Touch - finding my way back

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of Childhood Sexual Abuse

I don't do hugs. It's one of 'those' things - touch. I have blogged about using all the senses in mindfulness, but for me touch is a major problem area. I'm not alone: it is for anyone who has suffered childhood sexual or physical abuse. From as far back as I can remember, my sense of appropriate touch has been disorientated by the stinging hand on bare flesh or the violating fingers of those who are my most intimate relations. Where do I begin to make sense of intimacy if those who 'love' me most, who are my flesh and blood, swing between physical or sexual assault?

I have no desire to relive every stinging blow, or every violating touch, but I do acknowledge that my history of relationships has been marked by repeated attempts to make sense of the disconnect between my physical and emotional responses to touch. I have belittled myself in attempts to feel close to people, whilst inspiring the rejection I have tried so hard to escape - I mean who wants to stay with a doormat? At the same time, with those who genuinely cared for me and attempted to show their love appropriately, I found myself distrusting and disconnecting myself from enjoying moments of true intimacy where my emotional instinct could have worked in sync with my partners' desires for intimacy: who wants to be with someone who beats you up emotionally for the crime of loving them? Instead of trying to work through the difficulties of these relationships I ran from them straight into the arms of those who would treat me as 'I deserved'. In the end after so many years and failed relationships I came to the end of myself and have lived in self imposed 'purdah' avoiding as much physical contact as possible.

It is probably the most difficult aspect of my life's experience to talk about. It goes so deeply to who we are as people, to how we connect with the world around us. There is a need for those of us who struggle with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) to connect emotionally with the world around us. Beyond that, though, to be able to connect with people and to be able to function within intimate relationships, we need to be able to construct an understanding of the importance and healing power of the 'right touch'. More than that, we need to rebuild the shattered sense of self which has resulted from our formative years. If I don't have a clear sense of who I am, of what makes me tick, what hope does anyone have who wants to love me? Anyone wanting to love me finds themselves on constantly shifting sand, because I am unable to pin down who I am or even whether I deserve my place in this world, let alone in their affections.

Those who fail to understand the importance of justice for the victims of historical abuse fail to understand the all pervasive and long lasting impact of such offences on those who have survived them. It goes to the very core of who I am. It takes time to rebuild my shattered self image. How do I find an accurate reflection of who I am, if my family, those to whom I am genetically and historically connected, were unable to validate who I am from day one?

In disconnecting myself from the world around me in an effort to survive the emotional fallout from my childhood, I have enclosed myself within a prison through which, even the most determined of people fail to penetrate. The isolation is both a friend and foe. If no one touches me (emotionally) - no one is able to touch me (physically). My need at the point where I can begin to feel again is to break these walls down so that I can connect at the deepest level with those around me.

Other aspects of my recovery and practice of skills which help me manage my BPD are in my control. This aspect of recovery, though takes the active participation and acceptance of another human being. One of my favourite sayings used to be 'I don't do human beings'. To me the whole human race was suspect because I effectively had been rejected from the moment I arrived on earth. The sense of alienation is not unique to me, many people with complex mental health conditions feel like outsiders.

For over a decade I was unable to connect with anyone or anything emotionally, let alone experience anything of significance through my senses. Now that I am able to identify and allow myself to experience a widening range of feelings and sensations, I feel that I need to be able to move on to connecting with those who I have allowed to be part of my world.

My steps towards intimacy have to be progressive - healing takes time and small steps I can cope with.

1. I started with a Hamster. I had been isolated for a number of weeks following a really bad bout of proper 'flu and one of my friends gave me my first pet since my childhood - I was 31. His name was Haffertee Hamster and I trained him to spend ages running through my hands, to greet me when I came home from work and to do other little tricks. Through caring for him I was able to feel less useless, as well as having the soothing sensation of a small furry running through my hands. In my childhood, dogs, cats and ponies were the only safe touches I experienced. That and the sensation of water on my skin - I trained for my swimming six days a week, twice a day - it was almost an alien cocoon, protecting me from the world around me. When I was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 42 I was badly in need of safe touch. I had rescued three cats, and that was enough for a while, then Smilla came along - I love her for her dependability and her patience when I make her stand and receive 'cuddles' - she is so big and fluffy I can stand and hold her for as long as I need.

2. I have allowed myself to feel sensual again. I love smellies, perfumes, silks, cotton. As a child I sucked my thumb while rubbing cotton and/or silk - it is soothing. Truth be told, there are still times when I suck my thumb - the sensation is still soothing. For a long time I tried to live my life as asexual - trying to block any attraction to either gender as I was abused by both. Anyone who has survived sexual abuse will recognise the belief that there must be something in 'me' that makes 'me' susceptible to being abused. I believed that if I stopped the things which encouraged my femininity it would stop any abuse - unfortunately, it didn't work because the desire to abuse another human being lies not in the abused but in the abuser, so sexual assaults from a range of people in different contexts continued up until I was 40. I want to reclaim my enjoyment of my body, the sense of freedom I felt as a teenager when skinny dipping, the ejoyment of the fact that I do have womanly curves - my hourglass figure is re-emerging from years of obesity because I no longer need to protect myself from enjoying my own body. I have learned to be confident enough in myself to respect my needs as much as I respect the needs of others. It is a steep learning curve, but I will keep trying.

3. I am willing to accept compliments. I am getting noticed again, or rather I am taking notice of the fact that I'm getting noticed! It is nice to feel that there is nothing wrong or sinister when a man compliments my figure or face.

This is another beginning. It is something that is central to my recovery, yet something that I could not begin to discuss with those in charge of my care. When discussing touch as an aspect of Mindfulness practice it is important to bear in mind that the long term impact of self soothe touch is incalculable when helping people without me having to reiterate the exact wounds I need to be healed from.

It's one of those days... again

I still have them. Days when for no reason an overwhelming sense of grief sits on my heart. Now, I am aware of the deep source of the grief. Now, I can say 'this too will pass'. It doesn't make it any less painful to live with. Nor does it suddenly make it 'all right'.

On these days I need to remind myself that I need to be kind to me. I tell it to others and I believe it. My biggest problem remains an underlying belief that ultimately, I am not worth caring for. That somehow, somewhere in my history is a reason, a factor in me that means I deserve the suffering I have lived through. I carry the emotional hangover of the survivor of abuse, the belief, that somehow, somewhere in my past I must have done something bad.

Because this has been a lifelong belief which has resulted in self hatred and the behaviours which have made shipwreck of important moments and relationships in my life, I still have battles to fight. Today is one of those battles.

Unlike other days which I used to fear would stretch into the rest of my life, I am learning that this day is not all the days of my life. This day can be measured and will end. Today, the overwhelming sadness and grief comes in waves, in moments. I am becoming more aware of this as I recover.

So, here it is another day of painful emotions. Today, I will be mostly looking after me. That includes eating bacon butties, watching trashy TV, taking my time over my shower, and most of all not berating myself for grief and painful emotions which come from having lived through and survived some very difficult events. Most of all, this day and these emotions are not the whole of my story. This pain means that when I have a different day, a better day, it can shine even more brightly. Today, if I can be kind to myself I am replacing another more painful moment from my past and I am able to say, I am worth caring for.

How does Your Mindfulness Smell?

Smells - I'm sensitive to them. I used to be plagued by regular severe migraines and strong smells, either pleasant or not, could trigger them for me. Since I've been practising mindfulness and managing my life stresses more effectively through DBT skills, I have found that I am only suffering migraines about two or three times a year. As a result I am re-acquainting myself with the power of smell. I am learning not to fear this neglected sense.

When I started practising mindfulness I would focus on sound, sight, touch and taste. It's easy to focus on really enjoying the touch, sight and taste of chocolate, for example. I can really savour the moment, taking my time to taste and enjoy the melting, soothing flavours. But how often do I stop once I have unwrapped it to really absorb its smell? I've been slower to first notice and then learn to practice smell as a mindful practise. Yet, along with listening to music, this is probably the most evocative and vivid of my senses. Who can resist the smell of cooking bacon? There is a reason why supermarkets pipe the smell of freshly baked breads. Even more unpleasant smells can bring us quickly into the present. The 'country' smell of manure definitely grounds me in terms of where I am, geographically.

As I have developed my awareness of the world around me and my own experience of the present moment, I have found myself building up a bank of smells which have different emotional impacts for me:

1. The smell of freshly ground coffee beans. This smell has become part of my daily morning rituals. I find I am beginning to be

able to detect different 'nuances' in different blends and roasts of coffee beans. I am drinking less alcohol than I used to, so freshly brewed coffee from freshly ground beans has become one of my regular luxuries. It is an important part of my self soothe routines. It also helps when I am finding myself facing overwhelming feelings of grief. I get a bag of fresh coffee beans from the freezer (best for keeping that freshness) and I stand and inhale the gorgeous aroma. This also benefits me because it is another way for me to practise mindful breathing whilst combining it with self soothe skills. I also love the smell of the fresh brew when I return to my house - it is definitely better than some of the rancid smells that used to greet me when I was too overwhelmed to care about myself or my environment. As I have recovered smells in the house are an important indicator of how much I am caring for myself and my home.

2. The smell of grass in the summer. For a long time this was a problematic smell for me as my Dad was a landscaper and the smell of freshly cut grass mixed with oil, became an ambiguous scent for me, evoking some unpleasant feelings. Now, though, it is part of the freshness of spring and summer. As I am learning to leave my fear of these seasons behind (I think these times of year seemed to be times when I was more vulnerable for reasons I have never explored) I am learning to really savour the smells of summer plants and water, like rivers through woods etc.

3. Citrus smells. There is nothing better for making me feel fresh and clean, than the smell of lemons, oranges and limes - preferably fresh ones. I can just cut a lemon in half and stick my nose right in and really inhale - way to go in getting me awake!

4. The smell of my dog and cat when I snuggle my face into their (dry) coats - it is safe physical affection and the warmth of the touch along with the smell just reeks of comfort. My dog is just the right size for me to lie beside and envelope her in my arms, whilst burying my face in her wonderful furry coat. I need to feel safe with touch and my pets are helping me to enjoy the safe touch and smell of another creature.

5. The smell of my favourite 'smellies'. I love perfumes, soaps and bubble baths. My favourite shower creams and gels are usually from aromatherapy ranges and I love standing in the shower enjoying the smells of my soaps and shower gels. I have always worn perfumes and love that blast of aroma through the day as I move about. It is a pleasant reminder of self soothing baths and showers, again a good way to practice self care.

Other smells I love: fresh cotton sheets, shirts; fish and chips; curries; any Mediterranean cooking smells; nutmeg; all spice; Vimto; melons; fresh paint (yes, paint); the sea;

Of course the sense of smell is most powerful when it is combined with the other senses. Touch and taste in particular enhance my experience of smells and help me to be mindful in my experience of smell.

So go on, get your olfactory juices flowing and really stick your nose into some things that are just passing you by at the moment. You might find yourself rediscovering some old 'friends' along the way.

My DBT Classical Music Playlist

Despite my love of music, I grew up in a house where listening to any kind of music was not routine. My parents did not have an extensive selection of music from the fifties and sixties. As regards classical music - there was absolutely no reference. They had never been exposed to the beauty of music and its ability to express emotions, so as children we relied on school for our classical music education.

At Primary School, I was enthralled by Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf. It was a revelation to my creative mind that music, as well as words could tell stories and I loved the fact that I could follow the characters through their adventure as each instrument became identifiable.

At University I was finally exposed to the joys and intricacies of the classical canon. It helped that two of my closest friends were professional musicians, one had been trained at Wells, then the Royal Northern and continued to earn a living as a harpist both in orchestras and as a soloist. I often accompanied her to her concerts as a kind of 'roadie' helping her to unload her 'big harp' (technical term!). As I experienced live music, I was exposed to an emotional depth in music that popular music, which I equally love, can only dream about reaching. One of my musician friends tried to explain the technical reasons why particular phrases and cadences appealed to me. I really didn't care - what mattered to me in my late teens and early twenties was that there was a form of music which was capable to reflecting the waves and crashes of my internal life at the time.

I find it fascinating that during the period (some eight years) when I found myself feeling nothing but numbness, I could not tolerate listening to any classical music.

As I have moved through treatment into recovery, I have 'rediscovered' my love of classical music. I have used some pieces to help me manage waves of emotion through mindfulness exercises. Unlike pop music which may have one or two emotional notes in a three minute period, most classical music moves through nuances of tone, and uses dynamics, like waves to build to a crescendo before receding into quieter periods. One of my favourite pieces to use in mindfulness is by Rachmaninov and it lasts 17 minutes. That is a good period of time in which to manage many of my emotional waves. So here are some rediscovered gems which have helped me to use my DBT skills recently.

This is my current classical playlist:

1) Bach Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major - Prelude. This is a good starter because it will be familiar from ads etc and features, as stated one solo instrument and therefore one simple melody to focus on. For some people listening to classical music can seem daunting perhaps because of the number of instruments and the different, sometimes competing melodies and counter melodies.

2) Rachmaninov Symphony No 2 in E Minor - Adagio. This is my current favourite for practising mindfulness 'in the moment' and 'emotion' and 'thought' diffusion exercises. It has a very strong, emotive central theme which recurs right at the end - in the meantime the rise and fall of the melody can be used to track my emotions, as they build up and fade away. I was getting annoyed with my parents on a long car journey recently and successfully used this piece of music to focus on my breathing and let go of my angry feelings. Incredibly soothing.

3) G F Handel - Arrival of the Queen of Sheba. Just really enjoyable and uplifting.

4) Vivaldi - Concerto for Violin and Strings - The Four Seasons - Winter. This is a piece of music which allows you to imagine winter creeping up. I defy you not to be able to imagine ice creeping up on winter as you listen. The final movement reproduces stamping feet, ice skating and the impact of the creeping ice on both man and nature - love it!

5) Faure Requiem - In Paradisum. Amazingly soothing calming.

6) G F Handel - Zadok the Priest. I recently was delayed on a plane flight and was 'participating' so much on this piece of music that I forgot I was standing in a line waiting to be 'herded' onto my EasyJet flight - until I opened my eyes and found several people staring at me. It was the epitome of mindful 'participation'.

This is a relatively short list, but if I don't set a limit I could keep going for a very, very long time.... I am absolutely certain many others reading this will have their own favourite classical pieces that are helpful in managing emotions.

I'll Name that Feeling in One....

Trying to manage BPD symptoms is difficult for a number of reasons. The waves of emotions often come unbidden and are overwhelming so that most of my energy is invested in just surviving until the distress caused by them passes. One of the most confusing and distressing aspects of the condition is that often it is impossible to tell myself and others just what emotion is overwhelming me at any given time. The Emotion Regulation module of DBT begins with identifying emotions. There are a number of skills and tools that I've learned to use. First I try to slow the impact of the emotions down by just breathing. This seems to a) slow down the crashing waves of emotion b) gives me time to recognise thoughts attached to the emotions and then to begin to recognise what those emotions are.

In addition I have had to learn what feelings and emotions 'look' like. Learning about what feelings look like in others helps me to understand when my body reacts to the emotional storms inside. For me this has not been an automatic skill and I have had to work hard to do so. I have been pleased to come across some tools on t'internet which have helped me play around with recognising how emotions appear on my face. It also helps me to have a list of types of emotion to help me identify both happy and sad feelings. I thought I would share some of them with you. Some of the most fun and effective for me have come from counselling resources for children. But who said they have the monopoly on fun ways of looking at their problems?






I love these charts for showing facial expressions. Especially love the Muppets one - for some reason growing up I really identified with Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. This has helped me to stop and consider the impact of my own mood on others. I have a face which is like an open book - no emotion is hidden from others. Funny to think back on the number of times I was surprised that people could read me. Thankfully now through life experience and DBT skills training I have learned to read others the way they read me.



This is a 'big girls' feelings tool. Starting at the middle with the basic emotion, it allows me to identify the nuances and little niggles which can often grow when neglected or stoked by me.

When I am able to give the feeling a label then I am able to use skills to manage the emotion and feel more in control. I can use self soothe to lift my spirits when feeling sad, or I can use exercise to run off anger or frustration. I'm still learning and sometimes I end up breathless and panicky because of the strength of emotion sweeping over me. But more often now if I can name the feelings I can use my skills to stop them from driving my life.

Meet George - My Shaggy DBT Coach

During the past week I met some animals who helped me remember how to use 'opposite emotion', 'Distraction' and 'self soothe' skills. They also reminded me of the key principles of mindfulness: notice, describe, participate, non-judgemental, one mindful, in the present moment.

George, is the runt of his litter of ten pups, he is a true 'shaggy dog', but when I met him during a difficult week at home with the family he greeted me with unadulterated delight and affection. Somehow, he managed to help me feel accepted and validated. And yet he's considered to be a not very bright dog.

George doesn't care what anyone thinks of him. He launches himself with enthusiasm and overwhelming fondness, at all visitors to my uncle's farm and most people consider him a nuisance. I loved him at first sight. He was a bundle of unconditional acceptance and affection, just when I needed it most.

We became immediate friends and he followed me all over the farm yard, even pressing himself between me and the miniature horses as I petted them behind their gate. He helped me manage my emotions and reminded me of the importance of not missing out on the simple joys in the present moment, which I often miss when flooded by pain from the past or anxiety about the future. If I could have managed it, I would have smuggled him back home with me, so that he could join my own shaggy mindfulness coach, Smilla. I will remember the lessons he taught me and I will remember him with affection.






And his friends the miniature horses:

50 Ways to Give Your Emotions a break

This is from a Pinterest board run by the Black Dog Tribe - thought it was excellent for generating ideas for self soothe, getting active, opposite emotion to name just three DBT skills. I've noticed too it's got a good range of different senses involved in activities. Am going to try a few that I've not tried myself yet, biggest challenge - have a complete break from electronics!! A fun read and worth trying to use if you've got into a rut with self soothe and self care.

My 'Me Against the World' DBT Playlist

Some days, regardless of paranoia, it seems the whole world is out to get me. The depth of sensitivity of the BPD person cannot be overstated. Hence, when some sleight or unintended (or intended) insult comes our way, the impact on us is devastating and longer lasting than for the average person. Marsha Linehan has expressed the extent of emotional pain for the person with BPD in this way: "People with BPD are like people with 3rd degree burns ...Lacking emotional skin,they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

My problem is with 'apparent competence' and a theatrical confidence, developed through the professional experiences of teaching and probation work over a twenty year period. Because of this 'shell' a lot of people consider that it is not possible to hurt me. Unfortunately, none of us are mind readers and therefore we have no idea of the weight or force with which our words and actions are carried to the heart of another person. Most people have some kind of emotional armour, but as Marsha Linehan's words point out, the heart of the person with BPD is raw and it is as if those hurtful things are hitting an exposed and beating heart lying on a table. It is as if the wounds opened long ago are fresh and, further hurt (however minimal to the average person) feels like salt rubbed into those wounds.

One of the good things about being an 'emotionally sensitive' person is that my own vulnerability has taught me to weigh my words and actions very carefully. I have no idea what devastation I may unleash unwittingly on those around me, because I can never understand fully the life experience of any other person. No matter how similar our experiences may seem.

When I feel the pain of these kinds of moments I know that they are connecting with numberless moments from my life when I have felt abandoned and rejected. These moments have become so much a part of my life, that in expecting, fearing or anticipating it I often create the rejection I fear. I know I act in ways which produce the opposite result to that which I intended. Such is one paradox of being emotionally sensitive - I have written about the toll this 'push-me, pull-you' yo-yo of emotions has taken on past relationships in previous posts.

Although I have completed a period of DBT treatment and am better equipped to manage my emotions than before, I continue to be an emotional 'burns victim', in the process of growing new skin over the exposed wounds. So, more often than not I find myself feeling like the world is out to get me and I feel I am alone in my battles.

Anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time will know that all types of music are my refuge when I am struggling with emotional issues. So it is in this case - I have a range of songs which allow me to express my grief and sadness, while at the same time reminding me that I am a strong person to have managed to survive to this point in my life. Sometimes we all need reminders that even if it is not just our paranoia, when we feel alone and embattled, we have more fight in us than we thought.

1) Something inside so Strong - Labi Siffre (No need for explanation)
2) The Impossible Dream - Camelot (listen to the lyrics - to fight the impossible fight)
3) Towerblock - Julia Fordham (1980s chanteuse - deep deep lyrics, worth looking up just to listen to this one song, if you've ever felt cursed by the strength that has helped you to survive)
4) I am What I am - Gloria Gaynor (?)
5) Somewhere - from West Side Story (any decent version will do - somewhere there's a place for us...)
6) Anthem for a Lost Cause - Manic Street Preachers
7) Shadows Fall - The Proclaimers (an album track which beautifully captures the pain of just getting through life)
8) High Flying Adored - From Evita (great version by Madonna and Antonio Banderas) lyrics about the public persona versus the private - never assume anything about other peoples' inner lives - we don't know unless they share that part of themselves with us.
9) Pavane for a Dead Princess - Maurice Ravel (I know the title isn't very appealing, but the expressive music allows so much letting go of sadness - I find I am able to sit with difficult emotions like grief and sadness when I either play this or listen to it....just let the music affect your emotions)
10)Town Without Pity - Eddi Reader (Or Gene Pitney if you fancy the original) Great when you feel people have been getting at you - a kind of musical finger to the small minds that have been picking on you for whatever reason - personally I love the brass arrangement on Eddi Reader's Version.

(Nearly Made it: Beautiful, Christina Aguilera, Beneath Your Beautiful, Labrinth, Over and Done with - Soundtrack Sunshine on Leith (The Proclaimers), I'll Find my Way Home, Jon & Vangelis, Never Had a Dream Come True, Stevie Wonder...)

When I am licking my emotional wounds I need this soundtrack, along with a healthy dose of solitude, crammed with positive things which reinforce the good things about my life - which I need to keep acknowledging are many and many-faceted. My dog accepts me unconditionally and loves me. I have learned through owning her, that I am capable of loving other creatures and have managed to begin to transfer that knowledge to humans! And when people have hurt me I no longer give up on people all together. I am now able to look at the friends who have stood by me, who understand that friendship is a two way street (that I am capable of giving back) and who assure me that I am indeed, lovable.

Self Soothe Image...

I find it comforting to be among nature that feels so gigantic compared to me. I've always loved standing on the shore with wild, windswept waves lashing the sand. I enjoy the sense of dizziness from being surrounded by the sheer enormity of large mountains as I pass through and I have learned to love the solidity of trees - none more amazing than Redwoods - so reassuring to walk among living things that have been there thousands of years - and when I can't be there in person I love using great photos to imagine myself right in the middle of these wonderful forests....

Help I can't be Mindful, because my Mind is Full...

As I have moved through my recovery I am noticing that my mind is swinging from being full of 'cotton wool' to being full of ideas and thoughts to keep me 'occupied'. It is only in the last couple of days, and a few weeks of disrupted sleep patterns, that I have recognised that it is becoming an obstacle to me practising mindfulness. So I'm going back to the basics of Mindfulness to move from Mind Full to being Mindful...

1) The first thing is to notice that my mind is crammed. And to notice that these thoughts, a lot of them 'worry thoughts', are preventing me from seeing the positives around me at the moment. My Therapist did an exercise with me using my interlaced fingers to help me realise that the 'wall of thoughts' is preventing me from living in the moment, simply because I cannot see anything beyond these thoughts. So I need to let go of them and not stop with noticing the wall of thinking in front of my eyes.

2) Practice the exercises which allow me to diffuse thoughts and feelings - I use my safe place (a river bank in the Yorkshire Dales) and my thoughts attach to the leaves on a tree overhanging the river. I watch as they detach, float down onto the river and let the flow of the water take the thoughts away. At the moment, because I am in a 'hyper' mood I need to begin with focusing my mind by mindful breathing.

3) I need to be aware that activity is not validating on its own - where does my real validation come from? Can I accept myself as I am, that I am worth something without a paid role? This is an ongoing battle and is critical and foundational to my long term recovery. Self compassion and self acceptance, again, are something that I have to practice. So I am using self soothe, and some mindfulness exercises based on 'Loving Kindness' that I've downloaded from t'internet.

The human mind is an amazing gift, but it needs to 'tamed' and brought into line with life as it is, right now, so that it is not getting in the way of my enjoying the present.

Pictures of the Aurora Borealis - Just WOW!

All of these photos can be seen at this site:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ailbhemalone/breathtaking-aurora-borealis-pictures-from-scotland











When Living in Scotland I had the privilege to see the edge of the Northern Lights regularly. Just truly awesome!!

Sometimes Self Soothe Doesn't work...

This caught my eye on @HealingfromBPD Pinterest board. Can't help think that there are days when using my DBT skills seems harder than others.... or is that because the people/relationship I'm dealing with is being more difficult? Am realising that when I feel like smacking someone - self soothe won't cut it and maybe I need to learn more about 'surfing the urge' or 'opposite action'. Note to self: I can't control the bad behaviour of others, I can do something about my reaction to them...gosh, was that 'wise mind' in action??

My DBT Self Soothe Playlist

Here's my list of songs currently on my ipod for when my 'savage breast' (or should that be 'beast') needs soothing! Music helps me avoid food as a self soothe!

1. Moon River - Andy Williams

2. Sarah McLachlan - pretty much anything

3. No Frontiers - The Corrs

4. High Flying Adored - Evita

5. Adagio for Strings - Barber

6. Bach (Unaccompanied Cello Suite No 1 - Prelude) - Yo Yo Ma

7. For the Beauty of the Earth - John Rutter (The Cambridge Singers)

8. Nimrod - Elgar

9. Sunshine on Leith - The Proclaimers

10. Daydream in Blue - I Monster

Some of these tracks were anchored in the pain of the past, but when I choose to listen mindfully, I find I am able to hear the soothing aspect of the music itself, not what I have learned to attach to them. Sometimes I listen mindfully so that it is:

1) The one thing I am doing at that moment
2) I focus on just noticing and describing what I hear
3) I don't judge myself for any difficult feelings that may arise
4) I let go of any distracting thoughts or feelings about the past or future and Listen!