My Christmas Self Soothe Habits

I once heard a famous musician state that he reckoned it took over 10,000 hours of practice to master a new skill. That means, not become a master of it, but to become proficient in it. That gives me pause to think when I expect perfection almost immediately when trying to learn new skills. Let me put it this way, 10,000 hours equates to 416 days - that's well over a full calendar year spent doing nothing but practice the new skill.

DBT Core Mindfulness is a simple skill to grasp hold of, but is hard to master. Most of the DBT skills are like that, some people find themselves doubting their effectiveness because of their simplicity. However the reality is that if I work at applying self soothing skills, for example, to my day to day life, then not only do I find them becoming a habit, I find that they begin to permeate my thinking.

If I apply the effort required to master any skill ie well over a year spent doing nothing but that skill, then I realise that the time spent in even the most intensive DBT therapy only gives me approximately 182 hours of practice. Of course those 182 hours assume that I have done nothing but practice mindfulness, say as a single skill. So what? Well it has brought home to me the fact that any hope of the DBT skills I have learned becoming effective in helping is dependent on how much effort and time I invest in developing and honing those skills in my day to day life. Seems obvious. Yet I continue to berate myself for feeling as if I don't deserve to enjoy life, or I feel as if I am a complete failure if my mind wanders when I am trying to be mindful, or if I find myself 'multi-tasking' and therefore not being as effective in a task. However, in real terms I have only been practising these skills for just over two years - in mastery terms I am well short of the 10,000 hours required to be merely competent and that's okay, because outside of being able to bend the laws of time and space I have no option but to live my life in a moment by moment stream.

Which brings me to Christmas - or rather my self soothe Christmas habits. Having used mindfulness and other DBT skills over the past year or so, for the first time in ages I feel as if I am awake to Christmas. Suddenly, I am more aware of how things are changing around me. In the past my experience of Christmas was masked by an emotional mesh over my senses which filtered out the more enjoyable aspects. Along with many others in society I have absorbed the lie that 'it's for the kids' or 'the most important thing is family'. Hardly any wonder that so many who don't have children in their families, or don't have perfect families (isn't that everyone?), or are isolated have a pervading sense of disappointment, from what is a two week, or if you take in advent, a four week season. More than any other time of year the pressure is on to either live in the future (THIS year we're going to....etc.) or the past ('remember when we used to do this, I always loved Christmas'). What a time to really focus on practising mindfulness.

I like to think about it as 'Mindfulness Max' - our senses have so much to be aware of and notice, that we can take our time and really focus on the here and now. Thoughts and memories bombard us from the future and past, derailing our mindful maintenance of moment by moment experience OR giving us the opportunity to build up our mindful skills.

1. SIGHTS - There is no way this aspect of Christmas can escape anyone. One of the real pleasures of the dark days of winter is the appearance of coloured lights in windows and in shops. Even the sight of a bright pink Christmas theme in a garden centre was a pure joy to behold, if only sharing the joke with some friends that it did indeed look as if Barbie had thrown up all over the place! The reason the lights hold such delight for me is because it is such a contrast to the drab winter world outside my window.

Even when I couldn't manage to do any real Christmas decorations in my home, I tried to have a couple of candles. If that is all you can manage to cope with I encourage you to light one, turn off the electronics, for as long as you can cope with it, and watch the flicker of the flame. As with all mindfulness exercises, if you notice thoughts or painful memories, just bring yourself back to simply describing WHAT you see in front of you - what colours are there in the candle? How does the flame move? Flames in candles or fireplaces are fascinating and soothing, especially when we sync our breathing to them.

2. SOUNDS - I don't mean the brash music that blares out incessantly, I mean the sounds of winter outside. I was amazed last week when walking down a ginnel (that's an 'alley' in northern lands) I heard what sounded like hundreds of birds really close to me. I realised when I stopped and looked closely at the hedge beside me that flocks of tiny bluetits and sparrows were chirping away in the middle of a stormy winter day. I have also discovered the soothing tones of Pentatonix - they are an a capella group who have brought some fresh sounds to some very familiar Christmas songs - they don't sound remotely dirge like. The lack of over produced brass and orchestration we have grown used to in our Christmas music is so restful to me. Equally, some Christmas cheesy classics have the familiarity of old friends or comfy slippers.

3. TASTES - at Christmas we can wage all out war on our taste buds - assaulting them with sugar and fat. This year I have rediscovered my love of cooking and baking. I am planning to reinstate my Mulled Wine party - the smells of mulled wine is matched by its soothing taste - a must have for Christmas. Along with the flavour of cloves I love the taste of cinnammon, I enjoy mince pies, short shortcrust pastry and...brussel sprouts! And why not? I have noticed that it is taking me so much longer to eat my meals - I used to be a 'bolter', now I have learned to savour most meals - not only has it helped me to regain my love of cooking, it has also improved my digestion.

4. SMELLS - these are closely allied to taste. Because of this, I think smell can be problematic in that it can evoke so many memories. Because Christmas is about tradition most of our food will have a history. For me making a menu change means that I can truly create a break with the past - this year I am doing a traditional roast beef dinner. I am learning that traditions are only valuable when they help me to enjoy the season. If I am diverted to the past then maybe the tradition needs to be replaced with a new one.

5. TOUCH - this can be a problem for those of us who live alone, or who are not in an intimate relationship. For me, touch has meant beginning with the safety of my dog and cat. Initially the cat was good for me, as he didn't overwhelm me with demands for affection. Dogs are different, dogs need you, they want to be close to and they constantly present themselves to you for strokes and cuddles - at least my dog does! Another thing I have learned to really enjoy is trips to my hairdresser. I have developed a friendship with my hairdresser - it is a positive relationship and one that I trust. I have learned to indulge myself when going for a hairdo. It takes between two and three hours, depending on how laissez faire I'm feeling about my 'do'. I am plied with coffee, trashy mags, gossip, laughs and most soothing of all: the head massage! I know and trust the staff well enough to be able to just close my eyes and focus on the experience of having the tension massaged out of my scalp - it feels safe and offers me human touch without any agenda, hidden or otherwise!

If I am tempted to wander into wishing, or hoping, or regretting about the future or the past, my task becomes to shift the focus of my senses so that they tell me about the here and now. It's okay, I still have 9,680 hours to go before I master that skill.

How on Earth do you 'Deal with the Past'?

This is a question that used to really vex me. For years, because of a lack of understanding about my underlying emotional sensitivity in many counsellors and practitioners dealing with me, I came across comments like 'you need to get over the past', 'you need to simply acknowledge what was done to you', 'you need to recognise the hurting child inside' - simples, huh? Except no one seemed to be able to recognise that there was something missing in my ability to even recognise my emotional responses to my abusive past.

One rape counsellor, who I think was compassionate and probably usually effective in her work, became frustrated with my lack of ability to acknowledge the trauma I experienced as a child. Firstly, I tended to either describe my remembered experiences without any outward evidence of any emotional attachment or response to the experiences being described. Secondly, because they were my experiences, I did not perceive them in the same way as my hearers, because it was me, I minimised the trauma.

It was around this time that my GP and a Graduate Mental Health worker who was offering me brief CBT for work stress, began to ask if I thought that there was more to my emotional issues than met the eye. So began my journey to discover what my diagnosis was and how that related to my childhood experiences.

I have referred before to the description by Marsha Linehan of people with a Borderline PD diagnosis as having 'emotional third degree burns'. I have always assumed this refers to the unbearable emotional distress experienced by those with BPD. I think to an extent this aspect of the picture is true, although it was when watching a documentary about a burns unit, that I learned more about 3rd degree physical burns, and thereby shed additional light on Linehan's statement. 1st or 2nd degree burns are extremely painful, however the damage done when someone suffers third degree burns is so extensive as to destroy all normal physical sensations, this means that there is a point at which the pain is so severe as to render the wound site numb to all sensation. When I applied this aspect of the original image to my own experience of the emotional impact of my past on my psyche, it made absolute sense.

I have previously described how I was not aware I was experiencing high levels of distress prior to the crisis which prompted me to seek help once and for all for my emotional 'issues'. I was incapable of feeling anything at all, either good or bad. There had been times when the pain of my life was excruciating, but I had passed through first and second degrees to the third degree, in order to survive. Many survivors of childhood abuse recognise this distancing from the experiences they have survived. Dissociating or depersonalising my own experiences helped me to survive the experience of abuse in the past. It causes problems in the here and now because I have been so successful in separating myself from my experiences, that I am unable to connect in any meaningful way with my experience of life as an adult. Either good or bad.

In a very real way for most of my life, emotionally and mentally, I remained trapped in a loop reel, whereby the most traumatic experiences of my life were on constant replay, regardless of how long ago they happened to me.

"In a sense Music, along with the sense of smell tends to be the most powerful of ‘time machines’, usually with a default to the past....Mindfulness training and DBT exercises were focused on bringing me to and keeping me in the moment. However, one of my true pleasures in life was in danger of inadvertently causing me to ‘time travel’ to the past. I didn’t want to lose out on one of my real pleasures in life, just because of my overwhelming emotional responses to it. Not every memory is painful and it’s important to acknowledge that, even before recovery, my life was actually made up of shadows AND light." (from Blog: Music My Own Special TARDIS )

With this never ending stream linking me to the past, even the most seemingly everyday problem or difficulty would connect to the torrent of emotional distress just below the surface, so that terms like 'overreaction', 'out of proportion' and 'drama queen' were applied to me. For those on an emotional 'even keel' it seems almost impossible to imagine the almost physical pain caused when I face disappointments, dilemmas, arguments and problems which are the stuff of everyday life. For the survivor of childhood abuse these experiences are reminders and directly connect to the emotional pain of the abuse perpetrated. Everything seems to rip the scabs from the wounds over and over, so that even the most benign of human relationships becomes a minefield of anticipated terrors to be avoided.

The wrong thing to tell me is 'to just get over it'. Recent exposure of the issues around victims of historical abuse has brought to light the reality that for survivors of abuse, you just don't or can't 'get over it'.

Having survived my abusive life, I continue to be in the process of leaving it behind. I always thought that once I had gained the skills I needed from DBT I would be in a position to finally, 'deal with the past'. I assumed this would mean some form of Trauma counselling. However, I have found that the very practise of mindfulness and the emphasis in DBT on Acceptance of life ('It is what it is'), in this moment seem to be enough for me to feel I have begun to leave my past behind.

This blog post reflects my own journey, it is not a blueprint for dealing with the impact of trauma - my symptoms of trauma are my own and my path through is my own. Hopefully, if you continue to deal with the stream of painful memories and feelings from the past, then this may offer you some hope that there is a way through.

1. I Finally Accepted That I didn't ask for or 'deserve' what happened to me. This means accepting that I am maybe worth better than happened to me - something that was an alien thought even six months ago.

Acceptance is an important group of skills in DBT treatment. The original version of DBT does not offer specific therapy for PTSD. (Recently, however, a specific DBT skills module for PTSD has been developed. I am not sure how widely this is currently available in the UK) The DBT skill of Radical Acceptance, allows me to accept what happened and to begin to leave my experience of trauma in the past. I have accepted that not only have I survived, but I have been strengthened by my survival. The abusers can only have power over me, if I allow myself to remain in the prison cell of the past. I carry the scars of the past and they may have shaped me, but I do not have to remain imprisoned by past experiences.

2. I have learned to trust my experience of the present as I have used mindfulness skills to focus on life as it is in this moment. I am no longer 'absent' - I've stopped 'time travelling' and am able to be 'present' - this means that I don't get bored as often as I used to. Also, it means I am able to give more effectively to those I am engaged with.

3. I have learned to name my feelings and to recognise when anxiety, fear, sadness, guilt etc from the past is distorting my perceptions of the present. I used to distrust pleasant feelings, like hope and happiness because they meant that the darker feelings and moments were more painful in contrast. Now I have learned to enjoy what I am able to enjoy for what it is. It has taken me a long time to say goodbye to the damaged child of yesterday and to reconnect with the adult I am today. That child remains a part of who I am, but her emotional paralysis no longer keeps me frozen in the past.

4. I have decided that the skills I have learned to manage my BPD are enough for me to accept the pain and grief about the past, without having to go back and relive it or do any sustained work on addressing what happened to me. Having denied and minimised it for so many years, the fact that I have been able to accept that I was a victim of abuse has been enough for me to be able to move forward.

It is important for me to emphasise that specific PTSD therapies are helpful for others as the symptoms of PTSD may continue become intrusive following other therapies for complex mental health conditions - each person knows their own needs better than anyone else.

'Dealing with the past' is not something that we can 'do' as a one-off-give me-the-silver-bullet solution. From the moment I first experienced the trauma I have been dealing with it. What I have learned is that at different points in my life I have developed strengths and skills that I have used to deal with the consequences of the past.

"When I finished my DBT therapy, my Therapist reminded me that I had begun the process of healing from the 3rd degree emotional burns, which are at the heart of the BPD experience of life. I have probably managed to develop a thin layer of emotional skin over deep, deep wounds..." (my blog 'Return to the Forbidding Planet:

I am pleased that I am no longer a hostage to a torrent of pain and distress streaming into my day to day life. Looking back I realise this is because of a process and time, along with the moment by moment determination to use my mindfulness skills to keep me focused on life in this moment. I have also permitted myself to enjoy the good things in life, gradually.

Caught between Two Minds - the problem of 'Apparent Competence'

'Treating someone with borderline personality disorder can be one of the toughest challenges a [social worker] encounters. Life for such a client is like trying to drive a car that is constantly careening out of control. Emotional vulnerability, fear of abandonment, and a seemingly invalid environment push the car from one side of the road to the other. The tiniest stressors can force the car into a ditch.'

Quote from: Dialectical Behavior Therapy — Treating Borderline Personality Disorder
By Christina Olenchek
Social Work Today
Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 22

I have found myself grappling with some old familiar 'friends' (or rather enemies) this week. If I may borrow from the quote above, anyone observing the ‘car’ of my life would have seen significant progress. Success in life, even. I had achieved academically, I was a champion swimmer, I had managed to hold down highly responsible and well paid jobs, for significant periods of time. However, look closer at the ‘driver’ and any casual observer could see the panic as I struggled to keep my ‘car’ from careering from one side of the road to the other. My life had developed into a pattern of emotional collapse, which resulted in my resigning jobs, selling houses and usually prompted the dissolution of all relationships.

As I learned more about BPD and particularly the research and therapy of Marsha Linehan, who developed Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, I came across a phenomenon known as ‘apparent competence’. This relates to the ‘Swan Effect’ where on the surface I was not obviously struggling with life, but underneath I was frantically trying to keep myself going, paddling wildly against the waves of emotional distress which threatened to drag me under.

Paradoxically, whilst constructing a mask of competence and coping with excessive levels of stress and responsibility, I would vilify those closest to me along with medical professionals for not seeing my real needs. Effectively, I would blame everyone around me for not being mind readers. This is one of the greatest challenges to professionals trying to help those with BPD who display apparent competence. I will not openly tell you about my emotional distress, but I will hold you accountable for not seeing 'through' my mask of competence and I will make you 'suffer' as a consequence. My outward co-operation as a service user was tempered by a harsh assessment of those seeking to help me, particularly if I felt they couldn't see through my outward competence. If anyone failed to ask the 'right' question, or misread my mood on any given day, then progress for that day would be painful if not halted. Of course this is another example of my own self defeating behaviour prior to DBT. A practitioner is not responsible for the management of my BPD, I am. If I frustrate the learning of those skills which will help me manage my emotions, then I am going to end up frustrating myself. I managed to reflect on this when I was hard on DBT facilitators a couple of times and was helped by my one to one therapist to recognise when I was in danger of preventing myself from moving forward. It was a hard learning curve, but absolutely necessary for me to learn to manage my BPD.

The other issue is that there are times when I really can cope, when I do possess the skills to manage - to undermine that competence by putting me in an environment which patronises me is to undermine my sense of self validation. So, for me, my treatment plans have all stated clearly that inpatient treatment is detrimental to my progress, no matter how desperate I may be at times, admission to hospital at this stage of my life would be retrograde, except in the most risky of circumstances.

The problem comes for me when I do need help. I have had to learn how to ask for it effectively. This has been one of the most challenging DBT skill sets for me to learn. Interpersonal Effectiveness includes the ability to break down my mask of apparent competence so that I can be honest with those around me about the times when I know I am BEGINNING to struggle. If I wait until the point where it becomes painful for me to keep going, then I am likely to swing to the other end of the dialectic and expect the rest of the world to sort me out.

In the past week I have found myself swinging back to this see saw, despite having real encouragements in my voluntary work. When I consider the past six months with my 'wise mind' I can see that I have achieved a lot and it is real competence, not just apparent competence, because I have found myself enjoying the moments of success, without short circuiting them, or trying to negate them by self-defeating statements or actions.

However in the past couple of weeks in my role as Mental Health Volunteer, I have had meetings with other service users who are also going through recovery and discharge processes. I have found myself asking 'Why don't I get that level of support?' 'Does my experience not rate in being acceptable to professionals looking for 'lived experience?' 'Why do I have to forge my own path?' 'Can't they see that I need support and help too?' Maybe these thoughts are familiar to you. A friend who was discharged before me reminded me that, 'aren't we lucky that we don't need ongoing support workers? And isn't it great that it's been over two years since you were last near an A&E or phoned the crisis team?' And, in the cold light of day, of course it is. My life is good, I have managed to devise and write a Mental Health well being, course that has been running for nearly a year. It has helped people with a range of mental health problems, as well as some who are family or friends caring for them. I have a strong network of friends and support that has no links with Mental Health services. My therapy group, however supportive, was not and is not my main social group.

For many who are coming to the end of their contact with services, due to much of the stigma around mental health and, perhaps, the intensive nature of the treatment offered, the skills and time needed to build up support and social networks outside of services has not been possible. A number of people who came through services with me, felt really bereft when contemplating discharge, because of this. I am grateful that from day one of DBT I was prepared for the day the therapy would end, that the main goal of my treatment was to prepare me for a life without professional help.

That is what I need to remind myself of, when the 'apparent competence martyr' rears her head. If I need support and emotional validation I need to either find it in reminding myself of how far I've come, or seek the reassurance of those who I am accepting care for me and love me as I am. I love the fact that many of my friends are straight talkers, they have earned the right with me to challenge my faulty thinking in much the same way that my group facilitators and therapist did when learning DBT skills.

Instead of feeling invalidated because I am meeting other BPD sufferers who have support workers and are being offered ongoing treatment and counselling, I should really reflect on the fact that I have come a long way. I do have competence in the skills that are keeping me on an even keel. I would be frustrated by having to refer to someone else, or go through a team for approval of my plans. I am trusted to manage myself in my role, with some management support. It is validating to be trusted to develop my own ideas and resources. The skills I have built up over many years in a number of arenas are now helping me to move from unemployment to voluntary work and hopefully on to paid employment. Essentially, I was ready for discharge, I have not looked back since I finished the skills acquisition of DBT and I am actively building 'mastery'. It is still an ongoing battle with the voices from the past who tell me I am unworthy, but slowly I am able to validate myself and know that my competence has moved from 'apparent' to real.