Hope - the Double Edged Sword

I have neglected my blog here for the past few weeks, because I have become more involved in different projects, which I hope will lead to paid employment in time. It has been a struggle to balance what I 'think' I 'should be doing and what I can actually achieve while managing to maintain my sense of equilibrium. One of the 'jobs' I've taken on is a role as an Expert by Experience. Through engaging with local Mental Health services from a new perspective I have started to reflect on how I have changed over the past five years. One particular new development is that I am finding myself less fearful of hope than I used to be.

Throughout my life 'Hope' has been a concept/feeling/idea that was a double edged sword. Take the pre-Christmas time of year, for example. Every year I would look forward to the 25th December with absolute hope, faith and optimism that somehow my family would be transformed and that from that Christmas on, our lives would be transformed. It's not that I bought into any of the commercialism consciously, just that everyone tries harder over that period and so, a bit like when families are on show, we all tended to be on our best behaviour. Also the only expression of acceptance and love from our parents was in giving us material gifts. At Christmas there was an abundance, somehow I hoped this would continue into the new year, but every year that hope dissipated in the reality that our parents were effectively disinterested in our lives. Except when they were angry with us.

I learned to fear hope, and to avoid anyone or anything which gave me hope. If I could learn not to be 'deluded' by hope, then the pain and distress I experienced with my life, especially when my hopes were dashed, would be less sharply felt by me. It is easier to accept life in the gutter if I've never even noticed that I can see the stars from there, let alone reach for them.

The problem I have faced is that if I am to find a life worth living, then I need to have something to hope in. That there can be purpose and meaning to every experience in life, both good and bad. For me that has come from a faith in a God who is bigger than me and my life. For others, they find it in family and other relationships. This has helped me primarily to make peace with the worst experiences of my life. I can see the bits of my character that have been shaped not by the harm done to me, but by the resilience which has helped me to survive and build a life that I can enjoy. One of the most critical moments in my treatment was when my therapist told me there was help and therefore hope that my life didn't have to be determined by my emotions or my past experiences anymore.

It is easy to assume that the alternative to hope is despair. I have learned that, that doesn't have to be true. As I have learned more and more about the DBT Skill of Radical Acceptance I have begun to recognise that sometimes, it wasn't hope and its loss which hurt me most. Rather it is the fact that I would hope unrealistically, or give my hope to people who either weren't worthy of it, or capable of fulfilling it. No individual person can fill the emotional void left by childhood and adult trauma. Sometimes the skill lies in recognising when hope is not appropriate. There are circumstances, or relationships, which no matter how hard I hope it wasn't so, will never change. It took me a lifetime to realise that even Christmas couldn't change my parents and the results of their own upbringing. Accepting that and letting go of the hope that by wishing I could effect a change, has freed to me to build a relationship with my parents that no longer reopens wounds from the past - over and over.

Another area I have struggled with is the sense of injustice I feel about how vulnerable people are treated. However much I hope that the injustice of government policies related to welfare and mental health funding will change, I must accept that, however flawed the election process, a majority of MPs are not supportive of such compassionate and corporate policies to help the most vulnerable in our society. Sadly, the majority of those who voted, voted for that kind of government. There is no point in me hoping that will magically change before 2020 when the next Election is due. However, I can look forward to that year and hope that if I can share my ideas and beliefs about a just society across, join with others who share those beliefs, then there may be hope that a change can happen. For now, acceptance is the right alternative to hope.

As I have moved away from being completely overwhelmed by my emotions, I have noticed that my view of hope has become an active practice of wise mind. Hope is an emotion, I feel it in my gut. However, I need to make sure that the facts of any given situation need to confirm that gut feeling for it to be a force which drives me forward. Unfettered hope, hope that is built on a denial of the realities of the situation is a false hope and it is that which hurts. Hope grounded in substantial, realistic understanding of what is going on around me, an awareness of what I and others are capable of, has a better chance of being fulfilled. Naturally, there are still times, because no one can predict the future, when hope is disappointed, but if we can consider the prospect of disappointment ahead of time, then rather than wreaking wholesale emotional devastation as in the past, it is something that we can both survive and build on.

Cocoons

I've been thinking a lot about cocoons lately. In the past I believed that wellness for me would mean that I would no longer have need of safe places, bolt holes, places to retreat when the world became too much. Recently, however, I've realised that it is not the need for cocoons which has changed in me, but the type of retreat and how long I need to remain there so that I can rebuild, or rest, or restore myself ready for the day to day battles which make up every day life.

In the past I would cocoon myself away for weeks, months on end. In many ways I was entombed within emotional cocoons for so many years. That's the effect of refuges which are not designed to release me to live a meaningful life, but those which enclosed around my internal pain, so that all my effort and strength was used up trying to live with the prickles on the inside of my 'safe places'. In some ways I was like a porcupine or hedgehog which had curled in on its own prickles, stabbing myself repeatedly as waves of emotional pain assailed me.

In nature, when caterpillars are wrapped up in their cocoons they are enclosed around nourishment, stored up fuel which sustains them until they are ready for release and new life. I have had to learn to experience nurturing refuge, time and space which rebuild positive emotions. At first leaving my pain outside the cocoon felt strange and awkward. I had to fight against the hardened belief that I did not 'deserve' to feel better, that I was not worth protecting from whatever was draining me at any given time. Instead I have had to work hard to focus on ways to be kind to myself. I have written about my 'self soothe' and 'Validation' treasures boxes, here: http://bpdlifeinthemoment.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/my-self-soothe-kit-whats-in-yours.html and http://bpdlifeinthemoment.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/my-dbt-validation-treasure-box.html

Some who misunderstand emotional and mental pain assume that there is a laziness, or desire to be miserable, which stops us from 'getting better'. Think about that for a moment. Is it credible to believe that someone who has suffered so much really 'enjoys' feeling that way? That someone who feels so much distress that they believe the only way out is to either cause more physical pain to themselves or to die, actually doesn't want to find another way?

I have learned to use cocoons to heal. It is tiring to carry both internal, historic pain and the day to day weariness of every day life. If I cannot accept and leave the past pain behind, then it will continue to turn up the volume on my current pain. So, I don't just carry the disappointments, sadnesses and pain of today, I also carry every moment someone or something has hurt me all my life. It is the focus of experiencing the present moment as it is, unfettered to the past which has helped me to let go of the store of pain so that I don't feed the present with the past.

Instead of wrapping myself in a cocoon around intense pain, so that I emerge exhausted and unable to function, I build into my cocoons activities and actions which soothe me until the pain has gone and I feel able to tolerate the company of others.

The other most important thing about cocoons which is helpful is that I set time limits, so that I am not tempted to stay there. Whether it is a matter of hours or a day, this means that I focus on making the most of my time, rather than letting hours drift into days, as I have in the past.

Here are some ideas to help you make the most of your cocoons:

1) Plan the time ahead. This is a Bank Holiday, I have made sure I have built in time with some good friends. However, after a week or two with intensive meetings and lots of thinking, I need to be alone. I have planned one whole day.

2) Make sure there are things which can keep my focus - I have stored up whole series on Sky+, am colouring in using 'The Secret Garden', I have enough food to make some delicious recipes.

3) As I move through my activities I do so mindfully, being aware of what unwanted emotions may arise and dealing with them using my DBT skills. I do not want the focus of my emotions to end up draining me - that would defeat the purpose of the cocoon.

4) Allow myself to enjoy it - even if I begin to feel guilty I must use 'non-judgement' skills to let it go. The aim is to rest and relax - that is okay I am practising self care and it will help me to be able to engage with and care for others.

5) Plan how I will re-engage with the world outside my cocoon - I cut myself off from Facebook and other social media. It is also important when I need cocoons that I don't engage with UK and World news - particularly at the moment I can become emotionally sensitive to injustices.

Above all, cocoons are as much a part of my toolkit as other DBT skills, I can emerge from my cocoon either drained or restored. I am learning to do the latter, the more I practice these moments of calm in a turbulent life.

I Can't Cope with 'Disney' Films

There I am, a sodden heap on the sofa, sobbing uncontrollably. To any casual observer I must have received some devastating news about a loved one or something that devastates my life, but no, the trigger to my outburst of uncontrollable grief was a small sequence in the 30th anniversary programme made for Neighbours. The subject of the sequence was not even any of the human characters, but Bouncer, the Ramsay Street dog.



I tend to enjoy highly taut thrillers, crime drama with proper adult themes. I am unaffected by the most psychological of thrillers, particularly if there is intrigue to be worked through. However, present me with the highs and lows of family drama and I am reduced to incapability by virtue of the extreme emotional reactions evoked. I am sure there will be some professionals who might recognise the 'whys' of this situation, I am aware of the cathartic nature of some tv programmes and films.

The problem for me and those around me when watching anything is that I am fully immersed in the programme in front of me. As someone who is emotionally sensitive this means that if the main focus of a film is to evoke emotion, then my emotional response will be evoked - in buckets. One of the biggest challenges facing me due to my BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is that I go to the heights or depths of emotion exceptionally quickly, but then it can take me hours or even days to come down.

Two weeks after watching the 30th anniversary Neighbours programme I am still experiencing echoes of the depths of grief I felt when contemplating the death of a pet I never knew personally who died well over 15 years ago. That is how powerfully my emotions can affect me.

I cannot watch 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' because of the panic evoked by the child catcher. I may laugh about it with friends, but I can experience the fear as if I were still a child watching it or as if the threat is real and immediate - yet I have managed to follow and be unaffected by series such as The Fall, and Hannibal. Perhaps, it is because I have survived real trauma and threat throughout my formative years, so constructed fear is nothing compared to what I have actually experienced. Or perhaps I naturally dissociate myself from these kind of threats as this is what protected me in the past?

Perhaps, my struggles with family focused stories is the identification with the pain and danger of animals or innocent children and an unacknowledged recognition of myself as a victim or as someone for whom sympathy or empathy is warranted. It is easier for me to feel pity or sympathy for the children or animals in 'Marley and Me', or 'Hachi', or 'My Girl', or 'The Bridge to Terrabitha' than it is for me to recognise the unshed tears for my own life.

I've studied the art of story arcs and such in film - I can divorce myself from most genres of film and focus on either the themes or intellectual properties of them. Even Beaches doesn't affect me in the same way that 'Homeward Bound' affected me. I can recognise the tricks which are designed to evoke the required amount of grief over the death of a friend. Today, however, I was unable to manage my emotional response to the story of a dog who waited outside a train station for over ten years for his deceased owner to return to him.

At Christmas I baffled my friends' children by becoming excessively distressed about the death of the lead character's father in 'How to Train your Dragon 2' and an injustice done to the 'lead' dragon. Actually, it was the fact that the little dragon was blamed unfairly which upset me more than the death of the father. An eleven year old assured me it would be okay.

Whatever the reasons behind my emotional responses, I need to either stop watching things which trigger uncontrollable emotions or practice the DBT Self Soothe skills I need to short circuit them. I guess the trick becomes being able to recognise when I need to be careful with my emotions and when I am able to emote along to a family film or programme without it interfering with the rest of my day or, even week.

Sometimes my Feelings Change my Perceptions

'Sometimes you hear things that aren't being said. When you are right it makes you astute, when you are wrong it makes you....' I finished it for her 'paranoid!'. I have some excellent friendships. A vital element for my friends is that they are able to 'tell truth to Alma'. It helps me to see through the smokescreen created by the turmoil my emotions throw up for me at times.

I don't have issues with reading into people's words or actions when things are stable. However, if anything destabilises me or causes me to become emotionally sensitive, then the cycles and waves of difficult emotions are sustained by this tendency of mind to see things to prove my sense that I am under threat.

This is related to the fact that I tend to 'mind read' people as well. Usually, the feelings that most cause these difficulties are anger and anxiety. It is as if my thinking becomes bathed in the red warning light of hyper vigilance. Because people in the past have hurt me, that means that I can never trust the words and intentions of people in the here and now.

This is where I need to use a number of strategies.

1. First of all I need to be able to recognise that I might be maintaining my distress by constantly reigniting my anxiety or anger, because I keep circling round key events and conversations related to the triggered emotions.

2. To be able to control the thoughts, I need to stop the speed and power of the emotional waves. So, I use self soothing to bring my emotional temperature down to a manageable level. This is my self soothing kit: http://bpdlifeinthemoment.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/my-self-soothe-kit-whats-in-yours.html

3. When I am able to manage the emotions through mindful breathing, I need to stop my thinking from returning again and again to minute details in the triggering events. I use my mindful visualisation of floating leaves or clouds to let go of distressing thoughts.

4. I try to use Wise Mind to question my perceptions. Is that really what happened? Am I reading into things that were said? If someone else had been there would their perception of what went on be different? Ultimately, it is useful to have trusted friends with whom I can test my reactions. Sometimes they confirm that I have not over reacted. Other times, they seek to reassure me that my feelings have distorted my perceptions of what went on. If possible, I have one or two friends who can check out with other people involved, sensitively what went on.

This is a learning process. When I become distressed in a situation or relationship, I am learning to withdraw and not react to what I perceive to be going on, until I have been able to manage my immediate emotional reaction. This is very important particularly when the emotion triggered is anger.

In the past, my reactions in some situations have appeared to others out of proportion. I have found their consequent attempts to appease me intensely patronising, as I could not see past my clouded perception of threat. I wonder if this goes some way to explaining some of the reactions from medical staff when I have become distressed and apparently uncontrollable?

It is as if a light has gone on in relation to some difficult experiences with medical professionals in the past. I have always felt that they were minimising my distress, when, in fact they could not possibly realise that my perception of the world around me was so threatening as to make my extreme fear understandable. Because I don't have a diagnosis which has as one of its main symptoms, psychosis, the idea of distorted perception of reality does not enter many people's reckoning. Including my own.

I am learning through recovery that I need to keep managing my condition. I am still absorbing the truth that I will never be totally 'cured' and so, I need to keep making use of the skills that have helped me in the past year or so. I am also continuing to explain, as I am able the impact of my condition on my day to day life. This process is helping me to become familiar with the things that bring me down, as well as practising the skills that help me bring stability back to my emotions.

Keeping my "Life Train" on Track

I have recently been building new routines. Due to the turbulence of my life with BPD I have always sought out certainty and routine as a way of feeling more in control when my emotions are anything but. This may seem to contradict other aspects of my life which seem chaotic to the casual observer. My problem in the past has been that I have not been able to sustain life structures that help me live the life I want - or even to be the person that I wanted to be. This is symptomatic of the lack of emotional and personal stability that is the hallmark of BPD.

One of the benefits of having gone through lengthy periods of turbulence when I left behind previous jobs, relationships and areas is that I have had the opportunity to rebuild my life many times. I used to think I was good at it. But the lives I rebuilt before obviously were sustainable. Somehow this time is different. For the first time in my life I have stayed in one area of the country for over a decade. For the first time I have stayed put even when friendships and relationships have become difficult. This pattern continued until diagnosis and treatment, due to the fact that I had reached an age when mortgages and progress in my chosen profession made it difficult for me to uproot my life and move on. Effectively, my circumstances meant that I was forced to face my emotional instability and to take time to explore the reasons behind my turbulent, emotional and mental life.

So, I have found myself in unfamiliar territory. For once, I am not rebuilding my life from the foundations up. The basics of life, a home, relationships, the means of putting food on the table are already in place and have been allowed to mature over the past twelve years or so. There is another difference, in that I now know what I have been fighting against all my life. I have learned that some aspects of my condition and responses to the world will not change. My attitude to my condition and to myself have changed. I now have skills that are not self defeating to manage my emotions and my relationships.

As I've been thinking about what kind of life I want, I have found myself thinking in terms of trains. The engine is what provides the power to move the rest of the locomotive. The engine requires fuel and both engines and carriages require maintenance. No metaphor is perfect and there will be inevitable flaws in this one. However, I have found it helpful to think of my current track to recovery in these terms. Here is how I see my life train (once you've finished laughing at the poor artistry feel free to read on about how I think the parts of my life fit together):

1. The Engine - What I believe about myself and the world around me is essential to giving meaning and hope to my life. When my emotions drive me, my beliefs about life are vaguely in the background. Due to the twisted impression given to me about myself by an invalidating upbringing I am having to relearn self acceptance, care and compassion. In effect this builds on my beliefs about how I relate to others - the challenge is can I show the same compassion to myself as I can show to others? Do I really accept what my faith teaches me about my place in God's world? Can I absorb what I am taught about how much I am loved? In rebuilding my life it is essential before I put anything else in place that I develop and practice my beliefs about who I am and how my life fits into the world around me.

2. The Fuel Truck - My beliefs help to determine the nature of my spiritual practice. I need to maintain those beliefs and this means that I need to maintain myself spiritually. I need to pray, I need to maintain my relationship with my God, this helps me to relate to others and to my day to day life according to how I believe I fit with those. So my daily activities include: prayer, maintaining my understanding of my beliefs by being part of a Church family, meditation on positive beliefs about who I am in my God's eyes and how that impacts on how I live my life.

3. The Emotions - With BPD I need to keep my emotions regulated. This means a combination of skills, including making sure I get enough sleep, food and water. It also means that I show myself compassion when I am emotionally sensitive. Within friendships and relationships I need to maintain my DBT interpersonal skills - ensuring that I do not allow my over sensitivity at times to prevent me being wise in my reactions to things that happen. Above all, I need to be kind to myself and keep learning about what it means for me to live with the symptoms of BPD.

4. My Physical Well Being - I have begun looking after myself - this is one sign that self compassion and self care are beginning to become a habit for me. As I have lost weight and am enjoying being part of a gym and a group of others trying to feel better, physically, I have found that the other parts of my life are improving.

These are the basic components of my life. They need to be linked together and need to work as one for my life to be more effective. All of which means that in every day of my life there is a basic framework which means that I attend to the spiritual, emotional and physical needs and that my life consists of holding these parts of my life in balance.

My 'Me Against the World' DBT Playlist

Some days, regardless of paranoia, it seems the whole world is out to get me. The depth of sensitivity of the BPD person cannot be overstated. Hence, when some sleight or unintended (or intended) insult comes our way, the impact on us is devastating and longer lasting than for the average person. Marsha Linehan has expressed the extent of emotional pain for the person with BPD in this way: "People with BPD are like people with 3rd degree burns ...Lacking emotional skin,they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

My problem is with 'apparent competence' and a theatrical confidence, developed through the professional experiences of teaching and probation work over a twenty year period. Because of this 'shell' a lot of people consider that it is not possible to hurt me. Unfortunately, none of us are mind readers and therefore we have no idea of the weight or force with which our words and actions are carried to the heart of another person. Most people have some kind of emotional armour, but as Marsha Linehan's words point out, the heart of the person with BPD is raw and it is as if those hurtful things are hitting an exposed and beating heart lying on a table. It is as if the wounds opened long ago are fresh and, further hurt (however minimal to the average person) feels like salt rubbed into those wounds.

One of the good things about being an 'emotionally sensitive' person is that my own vulnerability has taught me to weigh my words and actions very carefully. I have no idea what devastation I may unleash unwittingly on those around me, because I can never understand fully the life experience of any other person. No matter how similar our experiences may seem.

When I feel the pain of these kinds of moments I know that they are connecting with numberless moments from my life when I have felt abandoned and rejected. These moments have become so much a part of my life, that in expecting, fearing or anticipating it I often create the rejection I fear. I know I act in ways which produce the opposite result to that which I intended. Such is one paradox of being emotionally sensitive - I have written about the toll this 'push-me, pull-you' yo-yo of emotions has taken on past relationships in previous posts.

Although I have completed a period of DBT treatment and am better equipped to manage my emotions than before, I continue to be an emotional 'burns victim', in the process of growing new skin over the exposed wounds. So, more often than not I find myself feeling like the world is out to get me and I feel I am alone in my battles.

Anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time will know that all types of music are my refuge when I am struggling with emotional issues. So it is in this case - I have a range of songs which allow me to express my grief and sadness, while at the same time reminding me that I am a strong person to have managed to survive to this point in my life. Sometimes we all need reminders that even if it is not just our paranoia, when we feel alone and embattled, we have more fight in us than we thought.

1) Something inside so Strong - Labi Siffre (No need for explanation)
2) The Impossible Dream - Camelot (listen to the lyrics - to fight the impossible fight)
3) Towerblock - Julia Fordham (1980s chanteuse - deep deep lyrics, worth looking up just to listen to this one song, if you've ever felt cursed by the strength that has helped you to survive)
4) I am What I am - Gloria Gaynor (?)
5) Somewhere - from West Side Story (any decent version will do - somewhere there's a place for us...)
6) Anthem for a Lost Cause - Manic Street Preachers
7) Shadows Fall - The Proclaimers (an album track which beautifully captures the pain of just getting through life)
8) High Flying Adored - From Evita (great version by Madonna and Antonio Banderas) lyrics about the public persona versus the private - never assume anything about other peoples' inner lives - we don't know unless they share that part of themselves with us.
9) Pavane for a Dead Princess - Maurice Ravel (I know the title isn't very appealing, but the expressive music allows so much letting go of sadness - I find I am able to sit with difficult emotions like grief and sadness when I either play this or listen to it....just let the music affect your emotions)
10)Town Without Pity - Eddi Reader (Or Gene Pitney if you fancy the original) Great when you feel people have been getting at you - a kind of musical finger to the small minds that have been picking on you for whatever reason - personally I love the brass arrangement on Eddi Reader's Version.

(Nearly Made it: Beautiful, Christina Aguilera, Beneath Your Beautiful, Labrinth, Over and Done with - Soundtrack Sunshine on Leith (The Proclaimers), I'll Find my Way Home, Jon & Vangelis, Never Had a Dream Come True, Stevie Wonder...)

When I am licking my emotional wounds I need this soundtrack, along with a healthy dose of solitude, crammed with positive things which reinforce the good things about my life - which I need to keep acknowledging are many and many-faceted. My dog accepts me unconditionally and loves me. I have learned through owning her, that I am capable of loving other creatures and have managed to begin to transfer that knowledge to humans! And when people have hurt me I no longer give up on people all together. I am now able to look at the friends who have stood by me, who understand that friendship is a two way street (that I am capable of giving back) and who assure me that I am indeed, lovable.