Little Things Mean So Much

We all recognise the daily grind. The wear and tear of a million tiny burdens which work together to bring us to our knees. In much the same way as drops of water add together over time against land to wear away our literal foundations, the constant wearisome action of day to day problems tend to grind down our emotional resilience. As someone who is emotionally sensitive the impact of the feelings of weariness may at times seem out of proportion to the triggering event. If only I could give as much weight to the little positive things, as I do to those things which work against me and my emotional resilience.

It is a phenomenon that is not reserved solely for those of us who battle internal as well as external pressures. Large firms are quoted as giving additional weight to positive comments about their service or products as opposed to the more frequent negative comments. We find it easier to notice and dwell on the negative in our lives, than we do the positive.

The fact is that life is light and shade, ups and downs, positive and negative. In our DBT skills group we had a jar which was passed round the group into which we placed different coloured glass beads. We had to tell the group about positive and negative events from the past week and place coloured beads accordingly into the jar, but we had to put two in for every positive event and one for negative. It was a great way to help me to notice how many positives there were in my life over time.

As someone who feels things intensely I find it fascinating that I am comfortable in experiencing the negative in life, that I tend to dismiss the positives that flow my way from positive relationships and events. Noticing and keeping a record of good things has become a necessary discipline in helping me to maintain emotional balance.

Another thing I have noticed is that, at first, I kept waiting for the big events and encouragements, whilst I dismissed the small things that make life bearable at times. If only I would give myself more of a break and let go of the million small disappointments and knocks that are also a part of life.

I have started listing the little things that lift me up.

1) The extra boost that the lengthening days gives to my mood.

2) The joy of how satisfying it is to bake and cook for myself - also helps that the products can be consumed - saving me money and keeping me from junk food!

3) Allowing myself to get soaked through on a rainy day followed by enjoying a hot shower and some pampering before climbing into my onesie.

4) The physical and emotional sigh of getting undressed at the end of the day and curling up in my pjs afterward.

5) Enjoying the freedom of dancing madly to fun music - thankfully I've reached an age where I just don't care and I'm enjoying that!

6) I can choose to make myself sick on all my favourite childhood sweets - if I want to.

7) When I am happy I can indulge it as much as I used to indulge my negative feelings - without feeling guilty.

8) I love enjoying cotton sheets and clothes - cool

9) Coffee - just excellent, freshly brewed coffee, the smell, the taste, the sight.

10) (I'm wary of advertising, but here goes anyway...) Lindt chocolate - eating a Lindor - slowly...

At first I need to be deliberate about noticing and keeping a record of these little things, but, as with most things in life, as I keep going it will become as much a part of my world view as my tendency to think negatively about myself and my experience of the world used to be.

I'll Name that Feeling in One....

Trying to manage BPD symptoms is difficult for a number of reasons. The waves of emotions often come unbidden and are overwhelming so that most of my energy is invested in just surviving until the distress caused by them passes. One of the most confusing and distressing aspects of the condition is that often it is impossible to tell myself and others just what emotion is overwhelming me at any given time. The Emotion Regulation module of DBT begins with identifying emotions. There are a number of skills and tools that I've learned to use. First I try to slow the impact of the emotions down by just breathing. This seems to a) slow down the crashing waves of emotion b) gives me time to recognise thoughts attached to the emotions and then to begin to recognise what those emotions are.

In addition I have had to learn what feelings and emotions 'look' like. Learning about what feelings look like in others helps me to understand when my body reacts to the emotional storms inside. For me this has not been an automatic skill and I have had to work hard to do so. I have been pleased to come across some tools on t'internet which have helped me play around with recognising how emotions appear on my face. It also helps me to have a list of types of emotion to help me identify both happy and sad feelings. I thought I would share some of them with you. Some of the most fun and effective for me have come from counselling resources for children. But who said they have the monopoly on fun ways of looking at their problems?






I love these charts for showing facial expressions. Especially love the Muppets one - for some reason growing up I really identified with Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. This has helped me to stop and consider the impact of my own mood on others. I have a face which is like an open book - no emotion is hidden from others. Funny to think back on the number of times I was surprised that people could read me. Thankfully now through life experience and DBT skills training I have learned to read others the way they read me.



This is a 'big girls' feelings tool. Starting at the middle with the basic emotion, it allows me to identify the nuances and little niggles which can often grow when neglected or stoked by me.

When I am able to give the feeling a label then I am able to use skills to manage the emotion and feel more in control. I can use self soothe to lift my spirits when feeling sad, or I can use exercise to run off anger or frustration. I'm still learning and sometimes I end up breathless and panicky because of the strength of emotion sweeping over me. But more often now if I can name the feelings I can use my skills to stop them from driving my life.

I can see clearly now the Rain has Gone...

'Black and White Thinking' and 'a pervading sense of emptiness' are two symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I like to avoid thinking about these two symptoms, simply because they are the hardest for me to manage.

Black and White thinking reduces any person or situation to a basic choice between one extreme and another. So, when I am in a relationship, you may encounter me saying 'I love you',and 'I hate you' with the same level of conviction because at the moment in time I am saying each statement it is what I believe with every fibre of my being. It's hardly a surprise then that those who are closest to people with BPD tend to feel confused a lot of the time. Most people I have ended relationships with have felt as if they have been tossed around in a tornado and then, spat out. One minute they were my universe and were my everything, the next the most despicable creature on earth and capable of inflicting incredible pain simply by being there. It is equally problematic being the person who experiences this see-sawing from the inside, shifting endlessly from one extreme view to another. There is no opportunity to feel settled in life or in relationships. Constant fear and expectation of rejection and abandonment, inevitably become self fulfilling prophecies, reinforcing the belief that I am impossible to be loved or to love another human being.

Black and White thinking also pervades my assumptions and views of everyday life. So, I believe that there can be no neutral or middle ground between liking and hating me. My way of managing almost every situation was to 'learn' the rules. It is my assumption that everyone else in the world is living by a set of rules that I know nothing of, if something goes wrong, I assume it's because I've broken a rule. So, if someone removes something from me, for example, if a medical professional is late for an appointment or cancels at short notice, my default thought was always 'they hate me'. It would never occur to me that they may have been delayed due to everyday hurdles such as traffic, or they may cancel simply because as humans they may get sick or have training etc. Nothing to do with me. So, inevitably any situation regardless of the setting or people involved becomes a catastrophe to me and another indication that my whole life is a failure.

While the see-sawing thinking described joins with the emotional see-sawing of BPD to create frequent emotional 'storms', these are not the most damaging of the underlying symptoms of BPD.

When you have been told that you were an 'accident' of birth, a 'mistake'. When your parents tell you that your emotional response to pain is not the right way to react. When you are never praised by your parents no matter how successful you are at school or at sport. When your parents essentially focus all their emotion on their own relationship and only connect with you as a child through physical, emotional or sexual abuse, then your ability to identify your place in the world and universe becomes severely impaired.

This loss of identity and feeling of dislocation is one that pervades many explanations of distress from BPD sufferers. When I first came to the notice of Mental Health services, I repeated over and over again 'I am not made for this world', while the sense of isolation and disconnection resulted in an almost unbearable, physical sensation in my chest. I felt as if someone were reaching into my chest and was squeezing my heart to the point that my breathing was compromised, often prompting panic attacks. The trigger for these feelings, reactions and episodes?

Sometimes, something as small as a colleague or client, questioning something such as, 'when did you last make a brew for everyone?' This kind of office jokery could result in a rumination that might last three or four hours and limit my ability to associate with my colleagues for up to a week. I could be so dysregulated that I was often unable to focus on my work, after such comments. Such a level of sensitivity is highly debilitating not only in working life, but more importantly in my social life.

By the time I was diagnosed with BPD in 2010, I had misread so many situations and ruined so many relationships and friendships due to my black and white thinking that it was easier for me to isolate myself and try to survive entirely on my own. This fed the belief that I was unlovable and reinforced the sense of isolation and emptiness caused by my sense of personal invalidation. I had learned the hard way that no matter how intense the feelings in intimate relationships, no matter how close the friendships, no one person could cope with my need for validation. My intimate relationships quickly burnt out - the longest relationship I have ever had lasted three years. Eventually, rather than put myself through the pain of total engagement and almost obsessive love for one person, I learned to not even notice if anyone was interested in developing a relationship with me. I have lived in a self imposed 'purdah' for a long time now - it feels safer.

As I have worked my way through the DBT programme I have learned to accept friendships at face value. I am pleased that some new friends I have made since 2010 have not got fed up of my constant 'mind reading' and extreme mood swings and doubts about their motives. I have learned to question my assumptions about situations.

I try to help my friends understand that BPD is not just about being 'sensitive' but that some reactions to life which are second nature to them, such as the process above, have to be learned and practised by me. I am not able naturally, automatically to question my initial emotional response, but first I must manage the extreme rise in emotions such as embarrassment or panic, by self soothing, then I have to work through the rational responses to the situation one by one until I have assured myself that the thought which triggered the negative emotion is not'reasonable', using 'wise mind'.

In this way I am learning to manage those moments when emotions have clouded my thinking, but I also must learn to love myself and accept myself in order to stop the flow of negative thoughts and emotions. If I can feel fulfilled in my life, if I can find meaning and hope, a purpose, acceptance of myself as I am, then I can learn to manage and confront the invalidation which is at the heart of my lack of self. If I can treat myself with kindness and not hold to extreme views of the universe that remain entrenched. Then I can begin to see the nuances and grey areas in human relationships and in situations that I am involved in. I know that the clouds and the rain are clearing - some days, due to lack of emotion regulation, (usually my sleep patterns are disrupted) I may find myself slipping back - but more and more I am seeing clearly the positive in my life. I just need to see me as a positive too.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - Really?

It's one of those throw away comments that those wanting to instil 'backbone' in their audience utter from time to time - 'Remember, Chaps, What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... onwards and upwards.... play up, play up and play the game...' You get the general idea.

However, there is a ring of truth to it, which means that I am not able to just dismiss the philosophy behind it, perhaps it depends on who is the mouthpiece at any given time. If it is the glib response from someone wanting to stop you talking about your pain, then it becomes an empty cliche. However if it is the considered comment of someone who has truly survived the worst in life, then maybe it's worth another look.

One thing I have learned about living with BPD is that those who suffer the depths and heights of emotional sensitivity are exceptionally strong characters - and how! Try sitting in on a DBT group skills session and even the apparently quietest member of the group will have a core of steel. Why? Simply because most have survived what onlookers might consider the unsurvivable. My biggest problem before I started DBT was that most of the ways I had used to get through were not helpful and at times were positively self defeating. Sure, I did survive and heck I know I was stronger, ask anyone who encountered me in full temper at that time, but contentment? Happiness? Stability? They were alien to me.

Marsha Linehan (the creator of DBT) has described the level of emotional pain suffered by those with BPD as being equivalent to third degree burns. There is a resonance to that description as I know that the emotional distress I have felt at times has been like someone breaking open my chest and exposing my heart to the most searing, biting fire imaginable. The pain felt physical and so I tried to replace one physical pain with another, through self harming behaviour. The problem being, I had got to the age of 42 and, yes I had survived what hadn't killed me and, yes, in some ways I was much stronger, but I was emotionally numb, unable to sustain deep relationships, feeling isolated and trapped in a cycle of surviving pain through unhelpful behaviour, feeling guilty about it, then starting again the climb to the top of the emotional crescendo before repeating the pattern. It was, frankly exhausting, just living.

One of the most amazing things I heard when I started DBT was that my problem behaviours were 'understandable'. I had taken so much time hiding them, because I was so ashamed and felt, rightly, that very few people would be non-judgemental about my behaviour - primarily because on the surface I was 'successful', holding down a job, owning my own home, articulate and popular. I was also in my 40s - not how most people picture self harmers.

However, for me to make sense of this level of acceptance I had to first accept that I had suffered sustained trauma throughout my childhood, something that I had avoided doing for fear of being overwhelmed by that truth. Again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Slowly, it began to dawn on me, that I had walked out of the prison cell of my past but I hadn't let myself believe that I had been released. Slowly, with help and support from the DBT skills group I began to realise that not only did I have the strength of the survivor, but I could actually use the tools given to me by DBT, to finally cut the chains hanging off my mind and stop my thoughts and feelings from dragging me back to that cell. One turning point in my recovery was in realising that rather than freeing me, my previous coping skills had kept me trapped in the prison of my past.

I am now committed to making the most of the present, as it is. Some days I feel sad and that's ok - nobody can be 100% happy all the time. Now the inner strength which helped me survive is helping me to rebuild my life from the ground up. I am learning that my feelings do come and go on their own, that no matter how searing the heat of the emotions, they have not killed me... yet. Although I will admit that there are still times when my anxiety is that if I let the full force of the emotions come unchecked, they will overwhelm me. But with the support of others who are on the same journey and my DBT therapist, I am able to find the right DBT skill to help me get to the other side of the emotional wave and acknowledge that, yep it didn't kill me and, guess what? It has made me stronger!