How on Earth do you 'Deal with the Past'?

This is a question that used to really vex me. For years, because of a lack of understanding about my underlying emotional sensitivity in many counsellors and practitioners dealing with me, I came across comments like 'you need to get over the past', 'you need to simply acknowledge what was done to you', 'you need to recognise the hurting child inside' - simples, huh? Except no one seemed to be able to recognise that there was something missing in my ability to even recognise my emotional responses to my abusive past.

One rape counsellor, who I think was compassionate and probably usually effective in her work, became frustrated with my lack of ability to acknowledge the trauma I experienced as a child. Firstly, I tended to either describe my remembered experiences without any outward evidence of any emotional attachment or response to the experiences being described. Secondly, because they were my experiences, I did not perceive them in the same way as my hearers, because it was me, I minimised the trauma.

It was around this time that my GP and a Graduate Mental Health worker who was offering me brief CBT for work stress, began to ask if I thought that there was more to my emotional issues than met the eye. So began my journey to discover what my diagnosis was and how that related to my childhood experiences.

I have referred before to the description by Marsha Linehan of people with a Borderline PD diagnosis as having 'emotional third degree burns'. I have always assumed this refers to the unbearable emotional distress experienced by those with BPD. I think to an extent this aspect of the picture is true, although it was when watching a documentary about a burns unit, that I learned more about 3rd degree physical burns, and thereby shed additional light on Linehan's statement. 1st or 2nd degree burns are extremely painful, however the damage done when someone suffers third degree burns is so extensive as to destroy all normal physical sensations, this means that there is a point at which the pain is so severe as to render the wound site numb to all sensation. When I applied this aspect of the original image to my own experience of the emotional impact of my past on my psyche, it made absolute sense.

I have previously described how I was not aware I was experiencing high levels of distress prior to the crisis which prompted me to seek help once and for all for my emotional 'issues'. I was incapable of feeling anything at all, either good or bad. There had been times when the pain of my life was excruciating, but I had passed through first and second degrees to the third degree, in order to survive. Many survivors of childhood abuse recognise this distancing from the experiences they have survived. Dissociating or depersonalising my own experiences helped me to survive the experience of abuse in the past. It causes problems in the here and now because I have been so successful in separating myself from my experiences, that I am unable to connect in any meaningful way with my experience of life as an adult. Either good or bad.

In a very real way for most of my life, emotionally and mentally, I remained trapped in a loop reel, whereby the most traumatic experiences of my life were on constant replay, regardless of how long ago they happened to me.

"In a sense Music, along with the sense of smell tends to be the most powerful of ‘time machines’, usually with a default to the past....Mindfulness training and DBT exercises were focused on bringing me to and keeping me in the moment. However, one of my true pleasures in life was in danger of inadvertently causing me to ‘time travel’ to the past. I didn’t want to lose out on one of my real pleasures in life, just because of my overwhelming emotional responses to it. Not every memory is painful and it’s important to acknowledge that, even before recovery, my life was actually made up of shadows AND light." (from Blog: Music My Own Special TARDIS )

With this never ending stream linking me to the past, even the most seemingly everyday problem or difficulty would connect to the torrent of emotional distress just below the surface, so that terms like 'overreaction', 'out of proportion' and 'drama queen' were applied to me. For those on an emotional 'even keel' it seems almost impossible to imagine the almost physical pain caused when I face disappointments, dilemmas, arguments and problems which are the stuff of everyday life. For the survivor of childhood abuse these experiences are reminders and directly connect to the emotional pain of the abuse perpetrated. Everything seems to rip the scabs from the wounds over and over, so that even the most benign of human relationships becomes a minefield of anticipated terrors to be avoided.

The wrong thing to tell me is 'to just get over it'. Recent exposure of the issues around victims of historical abuse has brought to light the reality that for survivors of abuse, you just don't or can't 'get over it'.

Having survived my abusive life, I continue to be in the process of leaving it behind. I always thought that once I had gained the skills I needed from DBT I would be in a position to finally, 'deal with the past'. I assumed this would mean some form of Trauma counselling. However, I have found that the very practise of mindfulness and the emphasis in DBT on Acceptance of life ('It is what it is'), in this moment seem to be enough for me to feel I have begun to leave my past behind.

This blog post reflects my own journey, it is not a blueprint for dealing with the impact of trauma - my symptoms of trauma are my own and my path through is my own. Hopefully, if you continue to deal with the stream of painful memories and feelings from the past, then this may offer you some hope that there is a way through.

1. I Finally Accepted That I didn't ask for or 'deserve' what happened to me. This means accepting that I am maybe worth better than happened to me - something that was an alien thought even six months ago.

Acceptance is an important group of skills in DBT treatment. The original version of DBT does not offer specific therapy for PTSD. (Recently, however, a specific DBT skills module for PTSD has been developed. I am not sure how widely this is currently available in the UK) The DBT skill of Radical Acceptance, allows me to accept what happened and to begin to leave my experience of trauma in the past. I have accepted that not only have I survived, but I have been strengthened by my survival. The abusers can only have power over me, if I allow myself to remain in the prison cell of the past. I carry the scars of the past and they may have shaped me, but I do not have to remain imprisoned by past experiences.

2. I have learned to trust my experience of the present as I have used mindfulness skills to focus on life as it is in this moment. I am no longer 'absent' - I've stopped 'time travelling' and am able to be 'present' - this means that I don't get bored as often as I used to. Also, it means I am able to give more effectively to those I am engaged with.

3. I have learned to name my feelings and to recognise when anxiety, fear, sadness, guilt etc from the past is distorting my perceptions of the present. I used to distrust pleasant feelings, like hope and happiness because they meant that the darker feelings and moments were more painful in contrast. Now I have learned to enjoy what I am able to enjoy for what it is. It has taken me a long time to say goodbye to the damaged child of yesterday and to reconnect with the adult I am today. That child remains a part of who I am, but her emotional paralysis no longer keeps me frozen in the past.

4. I have decided that the skills I have learned to manage my BPD are enough for me to accept the pain and grief about the past, without having to go back and relive it or do any sustained work on addressing what happened to me. Having denied and minimised it for so many years, the fact that I have been able to accept that I was a victim of abuse has been enough for me to be able to move forward.

It is important for me to emphasise that specific PTSD therapies are helpful for others as the symptoms of PTSD may continue become intrusive following other therapies for complex mental health conditions - each person knows their own needs better than anyone else.

'Dealing with the past' is not something that we can 'do' as a one-off-give me-the-silver-bullet solution. From the moment I first experienced the trauma I have been dealing with it. What I have learned is that at different points in my life I have developed strengths and skills that I have used to deal with the consequences of the past.

"When I finished my DBT therapy, my Therapist reminded me that I had begun the process of healing from the 3rd degree emotional burns, which are at the heart of the BPD experience of life. I have probably managed to develop a thin layer of emotional skin over deep, deep wounds..." (my blog 'Return to the Forbidding Planet:

I am pleased that I am no longer a hostage to a torrent of pain and distress streaming into my day to day life. Looking back I realise this is because of a process and time, along with the moment by moment determination to use my mindfulness skills to keep me focused on life in this moment. I have also permitted myself to enjoy the good things in life, gradually.

The Pain of the Unfrozen Heart

TRIGGER WARNING: IN THIS BLOG I DISCUSS VERY PERSONALLY THE IMPACT OF DISSOCIATION AND OTHER WAYS OF MANAGING SEXUAL ASSAULT - MAY TRIGGER SOME, BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR OWN HEARTS.

Franz Kafka once said 'Literature is the axe which shatters the ice around the heart.' Colourful, but I'm not sure he got it right. I think it would be more accurate to say 'Time and therapy are the axes that shatter the ice around the frozen heart.' This has become painfully clear to me as I make progress through the recovery process.

I can tell you almost to the moment, when my heart finally was broken, nearly fifteen years ago now. I was exhausted from all the pain and distress, from the constant battling of emotions I had no control over, from the pain of broken relationships, feared and realised rejection after rejection and the constant internal commentary which was boosted by those experiences and feelings, confirming to me that I was worthless and unloved and unlovable. I didn't think of myself as resilient up to that point, but looking back I realise that I had crashed and burned so many times, that it was almost an automatic response for me to move to a new area, and begin again - new home, new job and, most drainingly, new relationships and friendships. In the moment my heart froze I suddenly felt all the accumulated effort and pain as a burden I could no longer sustain. In that moment, my mind decided that I needed to stop feeling, rather than constantly keep feeling the pain of my life so keenly.

It has been easier in some ways. I was, once again, the victim of sexual assault, but instead of being capable of reacting in any way that any onlookers would deem 'appropriate', I walked out of the situation and continued as if nothing had happened. Why not? It was just another example of how worthless I was, a confirmation, from a stranger this time, that the abuse I had suffered at the hands of those close to me, was indeed down to me - after all I was the common factor in it all.

There are those, particularly in the media, who tell us how victims SHOULD behave. How would they know? If you have never had your spirit broken, been convinced that there is no one out there to hear your screams or cries for help, how could you know what it is like? Being a victim of sexual assault once, makes you more vulnerable to such abuse in the future, (although it is not always inevitable). That seems to be so hard for many people to understand, I mean isn't it a case of once bitten? Let me ask you, if you have constantly been told that what is happening to you is as a result of you and your behaviour. If you are told that something about you meant you 'deserved' it. If one of the voices telling you these things is your own thoughts. If you have become accustomed to abuse as an expression of 'love' and been told that you are 'special' because of it. Is it any wonder that as an adult when you encounter the same behaviour towards you, you don't fight back, you don't 'just walk away'. Survival means that often survivors divorce what is happening to them from their conscious experience. I was passive - a victim - because this was the way I had managed to survive numerous abuses from my childhood onwards.

Having, stopped, short, never to feel again, my heart was incapable of feeling anything, either good or bad. Now, having begun the process of healing I am learning to recognise the tingles and pangs of the ice cracking. Sometimes, it's ok, I realise I can survive feeling again, but at other times even the good feelings are problematic. The other day I mentioned that I was worried I was being 'hyper' to a friend who is familiar with my cycles of mood - 'No,' she said, 'That's happiness'. My immediate impulse was to panic, in case I couldn't handle it, but I sat with it for a moment and realised it didn't have to spiral till my behaviour was out of control, prior to the inevitable crash to the emotional floor. Instead, I allowed the feeling of contentment and enjoyment of the afternoon to run its course and it was ok, in the end I enjoyed the whole day.

I'm off on a break for a week soon. As I contemplate dropping my dog off at the kennels I have encountered a pain from separation anxiety of sorts. Last night, I shed tears. Initially, again my immediate response was panic, what if this is the start of a depressive episode? Then, I allowed myself to sit with the feeling. I tried to use wise mind. After all, we spend every day with one another and she is good company. It's ok to miss her.

The fact this relationship with my dog is having such an impact on me emtionally worries me. I realise that this is part of my natural fear of fondness or love. My dog has been a big part of helping me to heal. I can tell her 'I love you' and I feel that is natural. It is a huge step for me to transfer that ability to humans. As a survivor of abuse the emotion that I am most confused about is 'love'. It is a huge task to separate the sexual from this emotion and to be able to recognise the different nuances of love that are part of the full range of human relationships. For me there is a yearning just to be held, by someone safe, without it leading anywhere. So many times, people touched in ways that were damaging without asking permission, or without a bond of trust to enable me to feel that I had any say over what would happen next. It scares me that my unfrozen heart could respond to another human being and it not lead to an abusive relationship. I wouldn't know how to handle it.

The other reason I fear my love for my dog is that, along with the love emotion, I have always, before my heart froze, feared the ending of any relationship. I have always anticipated the loss long before it arrived. When I realised how fond I was becoming of my dog, I started to fear how I would cope when she dies. This is the benefit of not connecting with any other creature, death doesn't have to hurt so much. Except that's so not the way it works, is it? Even if I don't acknowledge it, I am connected to others around me and losing them even temporarily will be FELT by me, that's part of being human.

In the past, often, rather than wait and see, or trust the relationship I would behave in a way which would hasten the ending I feared so much. That way I believed the pain was somewhat controlled by me. I believed that it was just me fulfilling what I always 'knew' would happen.

In the here and now I am learning new ways to be in relationships. Rather than impulsively rushing in where angels fear to tread, I am learning to be 'careful' with my heart - it is after all heavily scarred and rather fragile. I have managed to focus on friendship at the moment - anything more intimate is beyond me right now. I noticed the other day that there is a lot of change in a number of friendships. This has meant changes in routines - a friend who may have been available to go for lunch is no longer available. Forgetting this the other day, I phoned her at work. We had a quick conversation and I put the phone down. My old familiar panic feelings, followed by shame and then embarrassment flooded over me. In the past that would have meant me backlashing by cutting myself off from her and self harming for being so stupid. Instead, I spoke to myself (out loud) and used wise mind to query if the interaction really meant an end to the friendship. I also used a mindfulness breathing exercise to calm myself and focus on the positives of the friendship, which include a face value honesty that I have always appreciated. When she phoned later in the day, I picked up the phone and we agreed to meet as normal later in the week. For those not familiar with BPD this may seem something very small, but not making this exchange an all or nothing matter, and thereby saving the friendship is a massive step forward for me.

I guess that the pain I am feeling now is not unlike when you are in the process of trying to warm your hands after a good game of snowballing. You know you need the blood to flow again for your hands to function, but you also know that as the blood does so you will feel a world of pain - for a time. As the emotional blood flows back into my heart - I know that it is painful at the moment and will continue to be so, as I risk my heart with others. That pain will remain for a time, but one day my heart will be able to function as it was designed to, maybe with one or two little twinges from the scars it bears, but it will be fully, finally, unfrozen.

Is there such a thing as the 'right victim'?

Trigger Warning: this blog deals with difficult issues raised in the media recently and talks about the impact of rape and sexual abuse on victims. Do not read if you would find this subject distressing.

In the past couple of weeks there have been a lot of stories about victims of sexual assault, rape and abuse. Most commentaries on these stories seem to have included a lot of what I think are 'excuses' for the perpetrators of what are, rightly considered devastating crimes.

I'm wondering when the public perception of rapists and abusers changed? I mean does it depend on whether a victim is successful in the court process, whether they come from a 'nice, good family' (direct quote from Australian police about a 14 year old victim of a gang rape by 5 men!). Whether they are perceived as being 'unstable', or 'one of those women'. Does it really matter if a woman was drunk, when her rapist took advantage? Does that mitigate the crime, as has been suggested in some court proceedings? Really, what kind of man is satisfied with a sexual act with a semi comatose woman?

Surely, these kind of crimes say more about the perpetrators' distorted views of human relationships, than the failings of the victims. I don't normally use this blog to speak about victim issues, sometimes its too close to home for me and I need to know my own boundaries, but recent portrayals of victims of crimes ranging from sexual harassment to child rape have prompted me to respond with one or two thoughts.

1) Look at the Emotional Impact. It has beggared belief that in some recent high profile court cases, victims who have sought to bear witness to their experiences have been castigated for 'gaps in memory' or 'being emotionally or mentally unstable'. Now anyone who has any knowledge of surviving traumatic experiences will tell you that emotional distress, especially when it is extreme, is indicative of highly damaging life experiences. Often, depersonalisation and detachment are essential tools for survival. Nowhere in the court process is there room to ask, what part do 'gaps in memory' serve in helping someone survive? No one in the process seems to have given the victim any opportunity to answer the question, 'what has happened to you to make you so distressed?' It seems that in an effort to present 'the facts' our court processes discount the emotional impact, when often that is the most powerful evidence of a crime having taken place.

2) Visible Scars are easier to accept. When someone has recovered from a serious physical assault and appears in court, there are often graphic images taken from all sorts of angles, of the wounds inflicted. For the victims of sexual crimes, often the wounds are so deep and so hidden, that it is hard to see the real impact on the victim. Especially, in the cases of historical abuse when adult survivors seek to give voice to child victims, the long term effects of abuse cause prosecutors to view their key witnesses with suspicion. I mean, who wants to take the risk of putting a witness in the dock who's going to 'go to pieces'. My question is, what training is there for police, prosecutors and others in talking to victims of abuse? In my ten year experience of working in the criminal justice system, victim issues and particularly the more problematic area of victims of sexual and domestic abuse, receives scant attention in training for those involved in bringing perpetrators to justice.

3) Scapegoating the Victim lets the Perpetrator off the hook. I have extensive experience of working on rehabilitation programmes for perpetrators of domestic abuse and sexual abuse. No one wants to consider themselves the 'monster' that the papers portray, so victim blaming or total denial of the offences is the default for most of those who have been convicted of offences of this nature. If they are encouraged by media images of victims as being even partially to blame for their crime, then this allows an 'escape' route for them to avoid facing up to the impact of their own behaviour on their victims.

One the first hurdles to overcome is a strong sense of self pity and if we, as the public, give perpetrators 'an out' such as there being such a thing as a 'deserving victim' then, the hope of challenging deviant and criminal behaviour becomes so much harder. I have had conversations with men convicted of extensive sexual abuse of minors state to me that 'She (aged 7) was so provocative... she led me on...' It is horrifying enough to encounter this as men seek to avoid the inevitable realisation of the life long damage they have inflicted on their victims. What horrifies me even more is that on no fewer than two occasions this week I have read of court decisions and statements by Judges which have included 'mitigation' such as 'the (11 year old) victim gave consent to her (20 year old)' rapist. Am I alone in feeling that there is something significantly wrong with our society if the very system designed to punish and rehabilitate offenders is repeating the same justifications as convicted sex offenders?

4) Sex without consent is Rape. I don't care if it is a stranger on a street, someone that you have just met, or within the context of a marriage, if a person tells you that they do not want to engage in sexual activity, then to proceed against their wishes (even if they are unconscious - especially if they are unconscious) is to commit a serious sexual assault, no matter the nature of the sexual activity engaged in. Rape is rape is rape is rape. It seems simple, if you meet resistance of any kind, STOP. Ask. Check it out with your partner. If your 'partner' is so drunk they can make no sense, then to proceed is to make you a rapist and to inflict real emotional and physical damage on your victim. Be honest with yourself, if you wouldn't treat your sister or mother, or aunt in the way you are treating (and often talking about) the woman in front of you, then why do you think it is ok to carry on? I also don't know when the concept of 'playing hard to get' stopped being about avoiding dates, or saying no to a relationship and became 'saying no to sex' but meaning 'yes'.

Why assume that women who are feeling out of control because of alcohol or drugs, must be bound to 'enjoy' the experience of sex in those circumstances? Is it me, or is this similar to the justifications of the prisoners I worked with who were convicted of raping children? 'oh she was playing games', 'she led me on', 'she wanted it'. What part of 'no' or even just the inability to speak don't you get? Again, I ask what kind of man gets satisfaction from completing the sexual act with a woman, who to all intents and purposes is not present at all? Worst of all when did the courts buy into this farago as mitigation for rape?

5) Not Guilty doesn't mean that the victims have lied When alleged abusers have been found 'not guilty' it does not mean that the victims who have acted as witnesses have lied. Rather, the constraints of the criminal justice system are such that there needs to be burden of proof that often is missing in historical abuse cases to allow juries to find, 'beyond reasonable doubt'. Unfortunately, for the victims of rape and abuse who have gone through this process recently there has not been enough support in place to help them survive the verdicts. In one tragic case, one victim was so distraught by the verdict that she took her own life.

Finally, when a victim of abuse or rape takes the steps to report the offence to police and then goes through the lengthy process of putting themselves in front of a court room, they do not do so lightly. There will be no balance in justice until victims of these offences are offered understanding and support through the trial and then in the aftermath, regardless of the verdict of the court. Certainly, the courts should not be forums where rapists and abusers can extend their abuse of individual victims, which unfortunately, due to the propensity of such offenders to plead not guilty often happens. Granted those who are innocent deserve their day in court, but it is rare and refreshing to find out that someone accused of such offences has 'pleaded guilty to prevent further injury to their victims'.