Why am I not Employable?

It creeps up on me. It's a radiating paralysis. The day to day routines I have developed as part of my recovery go on, reinforcing a sense of progression, making me feel part of something... and yet. There are days when I am seized by unassailable anxiety, by a sense of foreboding, by fear that my recovery will result in having the financial rug pulled from under me. I am unable to scan job ads without triggering intensely negative thoughts and feelings about the prospects of any employer wanting to give me even the most menial of jobs.

I have never before encountered this feeling of being disposible, of not being any earthly use to anyone. My working life consisted of thirty plus years of different roles; from my first Saturday job in the local Baker's to my final role as a Probation Officer. In total between 1990 and 2012 I applied for ten posts. I always progressed to interview and was only unsuccessful in securing a post on four occasions. That is a good record - I think. I have gained qualifications and significant experience in Education, Communications and the Criminal Justice system.

The trouble with me is that, throughout my life, I have struggled with mental illness. All but my final employer were unaware of the extent of my struggles. At no point have I ever been warned over the quality of my work. If anything, as way of coping with my emotional storms, I have been a chronic over achiever. Hence the brick wall I hit every time I try to move forward in finding meaningful employment which allows me to be fulfilled, provide for myself financially, as well as maintaining management of my mental health.

Most agencies who are in place to help those with mental health issues back into work are limited in what they are able to offer me. Not all of those who suffer from mental illness have never worked. In fact any casual scan of social media discussions among the mental health community indicates that many people not only remain in employment, but are also employed in highly skilled and highly challenging careers. Without wanting to be crass I reckon I would be better qualified than most employment advisers in these agencies, particularly in my knowledge of the careers which are suited to my qualifications and experience. I don't have a problem getting interviews or even getting a job. What I need is advice and support about roles which can take account of the ways I need to manage my condition.

Most of all, the biggest hurdle I need to overcome is the suspicion in the back of a prospective employer's mind, that by employing me they risk harm to colleagues and those they may work with. My biggest challenge is in finding and maintaining consistency and stability in my moods. Ironically, steady employment is a key factor in helping me to maintain that stability.

I cannot battle mental health stigma in all its forms and fight my own corner in a competitive jobs market. Certainly not on my own. One of the biggest learning curves for me has been to accept the reality of an environment which denigrates the vulnerable and those who are perceived as 'weak'. All I can do is try to plead the case for an employer to take me on and trusting that I am applying for work at a time when I feel I am in control of my condition. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that this will always be the case. I would point out though, that unpredictability applies to everyone. No employer can guarantee that their most healthy, go ahead, uncomplicated employee, will not succumb to a virus, an accident or some other physical or mental illness, rendering them unable to fulfil their role within the company. At least if I start to struggle with my condition, I am now skilled in recognising warning signs and taking action to prevent myself from slipping further into dysregulation. Am I really saying that I am the devil that it is better to know? Perhaps. At least the risks of employing me are knowable and therefore can be planned for.

The conclusion I have reached is that I am probably better to take on the risk of an employer by working for myself. It is sad that I don't feel there are any agencies who could help me beyond advice about CVs and interview techniques (been there done that, actually got the jobs!). It grieves me that employers find it easier to adapt buildings and other aspects of the physical environment for the physically disabled, than to engage in an intelligent discussion about the impact of the working environment and culture on those with mental health conditions.

We are caught between a rock and hard place. On the one hand I am constantly reminded by populist TV such as Benefits Street, that I am one of the drains on the nation's coffers. On the other hand, I am reminded of the fragility of my situation by employers who frankly would rather have a mediocre employee who is able to guarantee mediocrity 100% of the time, than the highly motivated and skilled 100% employee whose life could be disrupted 25% of the time. It takes investment of effort and resources to help me with the 25% of the time I may struggle - sadly few employers are prepared to do that for those with mental illness.

I think a lot of people perceive mental illness with suspicion because no one outside can see evidence of the illness, unless I am in absolute crisis. Do we need to wonder that self harm and suicidal ideation is so prevalent - dramatic it may be, but it gets more of a response than me describing my distress.

Here I sit, continuing with voluntary work in the hope that it will help me rebuild my confidence sufficiently to begin to apply for paid work again. I fear the consequences of having to work part-time, of needing to balance the reduction in benefits against work which pays the minimum wage. Above all, I am paralysed by the question, 'am I employable at all'?

Time to Talk

I sat in my car, dumbstruck, wondering whether to just continue on to work, or if there was suddenly some seismic shift in me since I set out for my assessment appointment that morning. I had been struggling with Mental Health issues which I thought were related to the stress of my job for the past year. My Manager was aware that I might be suffering from bouts of depression. This, though felt really different, somehow I didn't feel as free to talk about 'Complex Mental Health Issues' with my employer. Instinctively, I knew that a label was going to change everything. And this one had a lot of baggage attached - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Being a creature of habit, I continued on to work and debriefed my Manager, deciding that both she and I were the same people we were the day before. I also decided to trust in the good sense I respected in her as a colleague working with challenging people. I was right. Together we wondered about the label and what it actually meant in practical terms for my job and me as a person. It is hard to find a good Manager, but when you do, really appreciate them. So hurdle one was over, I had told my employer that not only did I have a Mental Health problem, but it was one that I really was only beginning to learn about.

Unfortunately, the procedures in place and the attitude of the Senior Managers in charge of my area were not as compassionate about my diagnosis as the person most responsible for my day to day work. Suddenly, from being supportive the shift in sickness procedures became a focus on whether or not I was a risk to my cases. This shows a shocking lack of understanding of mental illness in general and BPD in particular. Again and again, I was referred to Occupational Health with the same questions, was I safe to be left alone with violent offenders? What impact was I likely to have on my colleagues? Sounds ridiculous seeing it in black and white, given that I had worked happily and effectively for the same team for over five years. Amazing that suddenly, I was the risk to be assessed, rather be the assessor of risk which was one of my roles at the time. Finally, they decided that they needed to pay for a private Psychiatrist (somehow all the assessments and support being given to me by the NHS had become suspect as they were all emphasising that my risk to others was minimal!!) who fudged the issue by asking me my opinion!

In the end, a combination of this ongoing process every time I took a dip in mood and the worsening of my symptoms forced me to consider an offer of voluntary redundancy. I think this kind of treatment by employers goes on without challenge simply because the cost of standing up for yourself, along with dealing with your mental illness, is just too difficult to contemplate.

A diagnosis of mental illness is isolating. Suddenly, you're not sure who and what to tell. Every conversation becomes a risk. For me it has been painful at times to realise that some friendships which have lasted a long time, foundered when my problems had a definition and a way forward. Although there are problems with the diagnosis and the label, it opened up hope that I could overcome it with effective therapies. I've had various responses from 'Rubbish, you're just depressed'... (the fact that they can say, 'just' depressed alone, gives an idea of the misunderstanding out there of the impact of mental illness),to 'don't be ridiculous, you've got your own house, car, job'.... to 'but you're so normal!'. These responses show out and out ignorance of what mental illness is and who suffers from it.

More subtle were the responses which initially seemed supportive, but as time went on and they realised that not only was I seeing a CPN, monthly, seeing my GP monthly, but I was also expected to attend twice a week for treatment at my local Mental Health unit, they started to tell me that it was silly the amount of time being taken to 'help' me. After all I had managed for over thirty years without this level of intervention. I guess these reactions demonstrate how far I had managed to mask the worst of my symptoms from those around me. By the time I was diagnosed - no one in my life at the time was aware that I frequently self harmed and that on a daily basis, I thought about suicide. Frequently, I was so overwhelmed by negative emotion that I could not function outside a work situation. When that environment was removed from me, some of my symptoms were suddenly more evident to my friends.

There is a perception of Mental Health problems as being something to be afraid of. I have begun to speak in public recently about mental health stigma and have been shocked that prejudice is found in all sorts of people from all walks of life. One of the responses is, 'but you can't have a complex mental health problem, you are not a violent person', which shows the need for real education about real people with real mental health issues. The fact is that you are more likely to be the victim of violent crime when you have a mental illness, than you are to be a perpetrator. As with many taboo subjects, headlines and media mask the truth and facts are neglected in exchange for selling more advertising, papers and programmes. I have found that this 'them' and 'us' gulf is best closed by speaking openly to people - when I'm well enough. I have also developed an upfront attitude to explaining why and where I can't cope with certain situations - 'I'm sorry being around people today is just too painful for me.' I no longer do things out of deference to other people, I am learning that when I am struggling with my emotions I need to care for myself, in the same way that I would care for myself if I had 'flu. And instead of making something up I let them know that I am unwell, just as I would with 'flu. After all both my BPD and the times when I have 'flu just tell me that I am a human being.

It is amazing that Mental Health is a subject that seems to be shrouded in mystery, something that is only discussed in hushed tones in corners. We may laugh at the older generations like my parents who refer to mental health problems as 'having trouble with your nerves'. But I'm not sure that modern attitudes are actually any more enlightened. They may have terms like depression and anxiety, but understanding has not developed any further than, 'why don't you get out and about, some fresh air and try to feel better!' Unless people actually HEAR what those of us with Mental Health issues say about how we are affected, then their understanding cannot develop any further. And if we are not engaging them in the conversation, then certainly no one is going to feel comfortable bringing up the subject.

The main thing I've found as I've spoken to different groups locally is that there are so many people out there who think they are the only ones who are struggling with mental health problems. The more we can talk to one another about the facts and reality of our illnesses and conditions, the more people will feel less isolated. Also hopefully the more people get to know individuals behind the diagnosis, the more they can see, that actually it's not 'them' and 'us', but it's any one of us who can be affected by Mental Health issues.