Joy and the Emotionally Sensitive Person

'Sassy', I think this is one of my favourite words, and attitudes! There have been a large number of words used to describe me down the years: 'moody', 'drama queen', 'over sensitive', 'touchy', I could go on. However, the 'Sass' in me is fed up of the negative vocabulary attached to my diagnosis, that in itself seems confused. On my medical records the labels have changed from 'borderline', to 'emotionally unstable', to 'emotionally sensitive'. None really adequately conveys the reality of living in the emotionally sensitive skin.

As I progress in my recovery, I am beginning to find more positive words to describe my experience of life. When I see the worst in the world, the pain can almost certainly cause distress and unbearable pain. The flip side is that when I allow myself to focus on the good things in life, pleasant feelings are amplified into joy. I can really enjoy the small pleasures of life. Just as the pain and distress of life can be experienced by me to its depths, I am able to enjoy good feelings in wonderful technicolour. This is the freedom of owning my emotions and embracing the times of enjoyment, sometimes to the embarrassment of my companions. Dancing down the steps of the cinema, then taking a bow, following two hours of really enjoying a musical, is me allowing myself to express real joy, as much as I have let the reins go on my more destructive emotions. The difference is a little public expression of happy feelings is not destructive, in fact, perhaps my expression of strongly felt emotion was an echo of fellow cinema goers' enjoyment of the same film. The spontaneous applause from them as I skipped to the bottom step and turned round, was a moment of real shared joy, in a pretty unpleasant national and international setting.

I am good company, because I can take the smallest glimmer of enjoyment and amplify it (when I allow myself not to fear the strength of my positive emotions). Balance is important so that light feelings don't spiral out of control - but for too long the negatives of emotional sensitivity have led to me keeping my strengths in check.

I love the poem 'When I am Old I shall wear purple', except, now I'm 50 I'm not willing to wait until I'm old to embrace the best of my life experiences. Part of that is because I have allowed others to define what responses to my life are 'acceptable' for too long. The words I apply to me need to become: colourful, fun, strong, empathetic, sensitive to others, creative, optimistic - yes, really! I've realised recently simply because of my ability to come back from knockdowns and how I see what is possible, that I am an optimist. I believe in enjoying small pleasures just like a toddler - not out of control - but absolutely one hundred per cent, totally involving myself, body, mind and soul in enjoying the moment. Not childish, but childlike. It's no accident that the feel good clips most enjoyed on YouTube tend to focus on young children, kittens and puppies.

I'm currently watching the Winter Olympics and once again Elise Christie (GB Short Track Skater) has experienced unbelievable setbacks. One thing that a friend of hers said about her emotional responses struck me; she is able to embrace the pain and the feelings of despair so strongly, but unlike others, who can't do that, having faced the worst she can feel, she very quickly comes right back up again, ready to fight. Sometimes the emotional impact of the worst in life floors us for longer than we want. The fact that so many emotionally sensitive people face the worst thoughts and feelings about themselves and life, yet keep going, shows me there is always a seed of hope within. Building up the experiences of our most joyful moments, so they become a buffer against the bleaker times of life, helps us to be even more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

Reflecting on Relapse and Resilience

We were walking uphill. I had known that the walk involved going up. I can see the woods at the top of the walk from my house. However, a sudden emotional storm engulfed me and I started sobbing and becoming angry towards my dog, who was running UP. With me attached to her lead. Looking back I'm laughing, in fact, my snapped responses to my friend who was with me, you know, 'I'm fine.', 'what's wrong with me', 'stupid dog', just as suddenly as my anger had arrived prompted sudden laughter. 'No wonder you're struggling, you swam half a mile this morning!' Common sense. Check the facts. Don't rely on how I'm feeling. Fluctuating moods is how it is described. Hardly surprising then that when I am physically tired and continue to push myself, my emotional control goes out the window. Fluctuating moods is basically 'what's wrong with me'!

About five years ago, such a process of understanding the waves washing over me would not have been possible. Understanding my condition does not stop my emotional reactions. What it allows me to do is to take a step back, pause long enough to stop the feelings overwhelming my ability to see the world around me with some degree of balance.

My recent travails with the system of 'reformed' benefits and the consequent relapse has given me reason to reflect on the state of 'recovery' and the nature of resilience.

By reaching the age of fifty despite the emotional and other storms of my life, I have shown resilience. I have bounced back from setbacks, again and again. That's resilience, right? I think it is, but I am also learning that rather than just waiting for my 'bounce back' to kick in when I am in crisis, there are everyday routines and activities which feed by resilience. This, I think is the main occupation of the person in recovery, to feed and nurture the parts of me which keep me involved in living.

Part of this task is recognising the restrictions, boundaries and limits that my condition places on me. For example, if I want to do a full time job odds are it needs to be emotionally neutral, have limited contact with people and probably be very non challenging. However, I also need to recognise that as someone with skills and experience in certain areas I still need to be challenged in my day to day occupations. So the compromise I make, in order to make my commitments sustainable, is to limit the hours I work/volunteer so that I have recovery and nurture time. As someone who worked full time in challenging careers since I left university, admitting that this was a need to maintain my recovery and prevent relapse has been a struggle.

I have had to accept that if I am to break the patterns of over-commitment, exhaustion and breakdown, I need to focus on what I can realistically sustain while managing the fluctuations in my moods.

Here are some ways I am trying to maintain my recovery and build up my resilience:

1) Set realistic limits and be honest with myself and others about what those limits are. I am mostly involved in running a community well being group and that has been my focus for the past couple of years. In addition for short periods of time I help deliver a six week course which links in with my involvement with the other group. I was asked if I wanted to help with a group aimed at helping older people. In terms of time that came to 6 hours a week. Surely manageable for someone who has worked full time most of their life? What I need to remember is that when I did work full time I had constant meltdowns, high levels of emotional instability resulting in emotional exhaustion and necessitating me leaving job after job, usually in five year cycles. I am more than capable, but my emotional and mental resilience needs constant monitoring and maintenance and I was never able to sustain that when 40 hours of my week were taken up with work alongside volunteering in the evenings and at weekends. This week I found out how my limits have changed. In addition to the four hours involved in the group and course I had two separate meetings on two consecutive days, meaning my routines were interrupted four days in the five day week. By Thursday, my busiest day, I had become tired and confused about meeting times, something I usually never am. As a consequence I recognise that I need spaces in my week to give me a breather from giving out. So my pattern will become, Monday morning small group meeting, Tuesday focus on my own health, Wednesday writing and work at home, Thursday morning, course, Thursday evening, group, and Friday time and space. The time and space needs to include time with friends and family who are nurturing. Against my instinct that I will be letting people down I have had to pull out from my involvement with the older group.

2) I am recognising that my needs are important too. We all know the feeling of pressure and obligation that comes when we have taken on too much. When there is so much need and there seems to be so few community resources, as a compassionate person it feels like a personal failure if I am unable to meet all those needs. Except, no one asked me to. I am reminded of the words of a co-worker in a charity when I was visiting the Sudan and witnessed firsthand the extreme suffering and need of refugees, 'You can't change the world, but you could change the world of one person, just by witnessing and reporting what you see.' It was easy to connect with the suffering and allow myself to be overwhelmed by it, but again, no one asked me to. Just because I see the need does not mean that I have to be the person to meet it, indeed I may not be the best person to meet that particular need. When I am focused in helping out and when I make space for my own needs, then I am better able and equipped to give out, without burning out and consequently resenting those I am trying to help. I have recognised this in others, particular mothers of young children who feel guilty because somehow their children have become burdensome....one question, when did you last have space to yourself, to just relax and enjoy a moment or two of pampering? We are very bad at prioritising time to recharge.

3) Physical fitness has a direct impact on my ability to manage my emotional health. This is different from saying, when you feel low, go out and have a walk, or just do something. This is about preparing much as an athlete prepares for competition. The years before the Olympic finals are vital long before the need to perform at the top of their ability. I now work as hard at maintaining my weight, balancing my food and maintaining my sleep patterns. When in the early stages of recovery from emotional exhaustion I needed all my energy to practice my emotional and distress management skills. As my emotional health recovered was the time to think ahead, admit that there will continue to challenges which will sap my emotional strength and admit that to give myself the best chance to manage these life events well, I also need my body to be functioning as well as possible. Sounds mechanical but we often forget that we are one fully integrated unit, so when I have a cold I feel lousy. In the same way I give myself the best chance of coping with mental and emotional illness if I am not also fighting my own body. As with everything balance is important - I need to watch that I don't over do the exercise or become obsessed with eating and food.

4) Above all I need to be aware and notice what is happening to my thinking and my physical wellness. The easiest route to fixing a problem is to notice it early. Most of my life the strategies and skills I was using to 'get through' did not help me towards a meaningful and fulfilling life. It is better for me to practice skills which help me monitor how things are emotionally and physically so that I can take the appropriate action and end up in a spiral downwards in my health. There are some early signs... routines with the dog and cleaning the house, losing track of appointments and time, becoming obsessed with online games. I can do something about what is happening at this point if I notice in time and do something about it, including talking to my GP or to trusted friends and getting help in working out what has triggered issues.

Resilience and maintaining recovery require daily and even moment by moment awareness of what is going on around me and within me. This is not about being self absorbed but is about recognising that one of the ways I maintain my wellness is to be aware of events and their emotional and physical impact on me and my condition.

Hope - the Double Edged Sword

I have neglected my blog here for the past few weeks, because I have become more involved in different projects, which I hope will lead to paid employment in time. It has been a struggle to balance what I 'think' I 'should be doing and what I can actually achieve while managing to maintain my sense of equilibrium. One of the 'jobs' I've taken on is a role as an Expert by Experience. Through engaging with local Mental Health services from a new perspective I have started to reflect on how I have changed over the past five years. One particular new development is that I am finding myself less fearful of hope than I used to be.

Throughout my life 'Hope' has been a concept/feeling/idea that was a double edged sword. Take the pre-Christmas time of year, for example. Every year I would look forward to the 25th December with absolute hope, faith and optimism that somehow my family would be transformed and that from that Christmas on, our lives would be transformed. It's not that I bought into any of the commercialism consciously, just that everyone tries harder over that period and so, a bit like when families are on show, we all tended to be on our best behaviour. Also the only expression of acceptance and love from our parents was in giving us material gifts. At Christmas there was an abundance, somehow I hoped this would continue into the new year, but every year that hope dissipated in the reality that our parents were effectively disinterested in our lives. Except when they were angry with us.

I learned to fear hope, and to avoid anyone or anything which gave me hope. If I could learn not to be 'deluded' by hope, then the pain and distress I experienced with my life, especially when my hopes were dashed, would be less sharply felt by me. It is easier to accept life in the gutter if I've never even noticed that I can see the stars from there, let alone reach for them.

The problem I have faced is that if I am to find a life worth living, then I need to have something to hope in. That there can be purpose and meaning to every experience in life, both good and bad. For me that has come from a faith in a God who is bigger than me and my life. For others, they find it in family and other relationships. This has helped me primarily to make peace with the worst experiences of my life. I can see the bits of my character that have been shaped not by the harm done to me, but by the resilience which has helped me to survive and build a life that I can enjoy. One of the most critical moments in my treatment was when my therapist told me there was help and therefore hope that my life didn't have to be determined by my emotions or my past experiences anymore.

It is easy to assume that the alternative to hope is despair. I have learned that, that doesn't have to be true. As I have learned more and more about the DBT Skill of Radical Acceptance I have begun to recognise that sometimes, it wasn't hope and its loss which hurt me most. Rather it is the fact that I would hope unrealistically, or give my hope to people who either weren't worthy of it, or capable of fulfilling it. No individual person can fill the emotional void left by childhood and adult trauma. Sometimes the skill lies in recognising when hope is not appropriate. There are circumstances, or relationships, which no matter how hard I hope it wasn't so, will never change. It took me a lifetime to realise that even Christmas couldn't change my parents and the results of their own upbringing. Accepting that and letting go of the hope that by wishing I could effect a change, has freed to me to build a relationship with my parents that no longer reopens wounds from the past - over and over.

Another area I have struggled with is the sense of injustice I feel about how vulnerable people are treated. However much I hope that the injustice of government policies related to welfare and mental health funding will change, I must accept that, however flawed the election process, a majority of MPs are not supportive of such compassionate and corporate policies to help the most vulnerable in our society. Sadly, the majority of those who voted, voted for that kind of government. There is no point in me hoping that will magically change before 2020 when the next Election is due. However, I can look forward to that year and hope that if I can share my ideas and beliefs about a just society across, join with others who share those beliefs, then there may be hope that a change can happen. For now, acceptance is the right alternative to hope.

As I have moved away from being completely overwhelmed by my emotions, I have noticed that my view of hope has become an active practice of wise mind. Hope is an emotion, I feel it in my gut. However, I need to make sure that the facts of any given situation need to confirm that gut feeling for it to be a force which drives me forward. Unfettered hope, hope that is built on a denial of the realities of the situation is a false hope and it is that which hurts. Hope grounded in substantial, realistic understanding of what is going on around me, an awareness of what I and others are capable of, has a better chance of being fulfilled. Naturally, there are still times, because no one can predict the future, when hope is disappointed, but if we can consider the prospect of disappointment ahead of time, then rather than wreaking wholesale emotional devastation as in the past, it is something that we can both survive and build on.

How much Emotional Resilience do you have?

I used to think of myself as a rubber ball. Throw me down and up I'd pop. Problem is, after nearly 25 years of cycles of breakdown and rebuilding all my 'bounce back' was spent.

Among other things I have learned that one of my main ways of coping with past traumas had been to throw myself (heart and soul) into challenging work with extremely challenging people - satisfying but emotionally draining. I have learned too that I was not equipped to restore my emotional batteries to remain effective in this role in the long term. I survived 10 years.

At the point I stopped 'functioning' I raised my eyes from the emotional grindstone to find that not only had I run dry, but any chance of building myself up emotionally was impossible due to me becoming isolated socially and emotionally from every significant relationship.

I have observed a number of factors which are important in building emotional resilience:

1) Find your Hope and Meaning. Whatever your beliefs, it seems to be that people who have a firm faith in something tend to be able to find meaning for their own suffering and pain. For some, this may be in an external God who bestows meaning, for others, they find meaning in the human relationships around them and, ultimately in their own relationship with themselves. Wherever people tend to find it, meaning provides a framework in which to work towards wholeness. I personally believe there is a God and therefore there is meaning in all of life.For me there is a need for an ongoing dialogue which seeks to balance the pain of life with the value of life. There have been times when I did not want to continue living - at these times I have learned to adjust my perception of God. For me faith must be dynamic and responsive to all of life.

For some, it is easier to assume no God or superior being and to focus on finding meaning in human relationships or in the universe around.

Whatever our beliefs, it is important that our faith is in something that is robust enough to make sense of our own suffering and offers a way to create meaning for our life and experience, through engaging with the world around us. Finding this meaning is important as an anchor when our emotions and/or perceptions of the world around become unstable. They provide a foundation on which to build key life changes.

2) Have compassion for Yourself. How often are we prepared to give support, help and hope to others, that we wouldn't consider ourselves worthy of? Be kind to yourself: make time to restore yourself emotionally. When you are exhausted, it may feel good to listen to someone else's problems, but where can you find the emotional strength to keep you going and to help them? It isn't selfish to take a long bath, if that helps you relax and begin to remember how to enjoy things. No matter how compassionate other are towards you, if you are incapable of loving yourself, then you can't find a way to let that love and compassion in. Learning to love yourself, especially if your life has told you that you are not worth it, takes time and effort. It is worth because it not only feeds you from within, but enables you to absorb emotional energy from others.

3) Take Care of the bodywork... I have an old car and when it breaks down I call either the RAC or my mechanic. They are necessary in a crisis. I would be an idiot if I tried to run my car on a day to day basis, without providing the basics of petrol, water, oil, check tyre pressures and make sure the brakes are working. I have a responsibility to maintain it as well as I can it also reduces some of the regular bills from the mechanic. So, how do we care for our body? It is clear that there is a link between physical stamina and emotional or psychological well being. Physical well being is not just being a perfect figure or being able to run a marathon, it includes being regularly aware of the signals from our body that it needs rest, food or water, and doing something to meet those needs. When I am physically fit, I know I can cope better with my relationships and tend to be in a position to give as well as receive.

4) Avoid Emotional Blackholes I guess no one would like to called a 'hole' of any description, but we have all come across those people who we can never help no matter how much time or emotion we spend on them. As someone with BPD I have been an emotional 'Black Hole'(BH) - it took some very honest friends to help me to see that no 'one' person could provide the emotional healing that I have needed. It also helped to know that my emotional needs were understandable given what has happened in my life. I have learned from my own experience as a BH that boundaries which protect both people, also help to build healthier friendships and relationships. If you are open and honest about what your limits are, then it is possible to limit the emotional impact of draining people.

Above all try and care for every aspect of your life as you begin to feel better. Remember, no part of us exists in isolation from the other parts.