Small Things

When your mind and body are wracked with emotional pain, it is so difficult to do the most simple routine things. Few people who have never experienced mental illness, understand the physical impact of such struggles. When you manage to do small things, don't belittle them or discount them, Celebrate them, it has cost you and is a real achievement. The Black Dog Tribe have shared this cartoon which sums it up nicely:

When it hurts to get up and about remember the following:

1) Be kind to yourself - you would give others a break if you saw them in the same situation.
2) Be realistic about what you can do safely
3) Celebrate the small things
4) Try to enjoy the sense of achievement

In the Lion's Den

There are many lions to face in life. The challenges and difficulties that, if left unchecked, could devour me. The most fearsome of these for me and many with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the one called 'rejection' or, more accurately, 'fear of rejection'. Given that as a child my parents could ignore my needs and, my very presence, it is logical that, as an adult, I will have an almost unshakeable belief that there is something in me which causes people to ignore or reject me - out of hand, automatically, simply because I am me.

So, for me the very process of job hunting and applying for jobs feels like launching myself, bowed and bloody, into the den of the biggest, fiercest of all my lions.

Along with Simba, in the Lion King I proudly shouted 'Hah, I laugh in the face of rejection' as I recently launched myself into the once familiar process of CV writing and application letter preparation. I seem to do this well as I manage to get myself to interview stage quite often, and this is where I meet another of my lions. Hope. If job hunting ends at the application stage, then this smaller, possibly more sinister lion remains sleeping peacefully in the background. However, the period leading up to interview always results in him awaking and growing in stature.

A little something about me. My stuggles with depression and BPD aside, I am an eternal optimist. Hence, year after year, I would put all my efforts into constructing the perfect Christmas, overspending wildly in an effort to reconstruct my dysfunctional family into my version of the 'The Waltons'. So when it comes to any little shred of encouragement ie an invitation to attend interview for a hoped for job, I will become my optimistic twin sister, who has absolute self belief. Sham. All this does is build me up for a fall. Then again, I need to be able to summon from somewhere the wherewithal to keep job hunting and moving forward somehow. I guess this may be one of my flawed coping mechanisms, although I suspect I am not altogether different from most people. I mean if you can't see yourself in the role you're applying for, then how can you possibly sell it to any prospective employer?

So far, so average. The problem for me lies not in this side of the application process, but in the emotional fall out from such investment when I am unsuccessful. Apart from natural disappointment, the million and one hurts from all the rejections of my life add up to make for one massive cold, wet, Trout in the kisser! Along with mental tiredness and disappointment following the delivery of the bad news, the rejection lion roars out his 'told you so's'. I am reduced to a quivering wreck before him. Of course he's right, every time I try to move forward, I am bound to fail simply because that's what has always happened. I mean who would want to employ me, I am after all 'unemployable'. Along with this crushing sense of self defeat, I am also assailed by the roars of derision from Rejection and his pal, Hope, 'ha, fooled you into believing that you could be valued.' Again, the overwhelming realisation that of course there's no point in my ever trying to get a job, because no one wants to have me around them, full stop, let alone working for them.

There I am on the floor of the lions' den, with Rejection and Hope (or as he has now become), his alter ego, Despair, circling me, licking their lips. I have a choice at this point, I can either allow all the missiles coming from the ghosts of my past looking on with glee to keep me down, or I can stand up and face the lions.

It's either this or give up on ever finding an occupation which can provide me with an adequate income. There are enough obstacles to my satisfying any prospective employer, given my history of mental health, without me having to overcome my own emotional and historical 'lions'as well.

This is where my reasonably newly acquired DBT Skills need to be used in earnest. I need to manage my emotional distress, because it is not nice, after all when someone doesn't choose me for a job I obviously had thought I wanted. I need to acknowledge the disappointment and hurt, that's natural and understandable. I need to make myself control the negative thoughts that are my natural default - thought diffusion exercises help with this (Mindfulness). This is where my determination and fight need to begin, otherwise I have no hope of ever re-entering the workplace. I need to learn to validate myself, unlike other rejections a work rejection is not personal - hard when I am in the thick of it to grasp hold of, but I need to remind myself that my skills were not what they wanted. It is not me as a human being who has been rejected. This, again is hard for me, as most of my sense of validation in the past came from being a high achiever in work environments. I could manage my emotions when my mind was allowed to focus on the task in hand. At the moment in my life, I don't need to be validated as a person - I have people who love me who do that. So far so very DBT, reality is that I have to repeat the use of my skills over and over as waves of self condemnation wash over me, followed closely by cycles of anxiety about my future and my ability to provide for myself.

Right now, in between the crash of the waves, I am aware that I'm no longer in the lion's den. I have begun to stumble from the grasp of my lions. The emotional waves that are crashing on me, resemble the sound waves from their roars of derision. I need to grab hold of my bottle of lemonade, and prepare myself for the next time. There is no point in me feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I've had a lot to overcome, yes it feels as if I am due some good fortune, but that's not life as it is. For me to constantly expect that life should be fair, is the real definition of insanity. After all, I just wasn't right for THIS job.

My 'Me Against the World' DBT Playlist

Some days, regardless of paranoia, it seems the whole world is out to get me. The depth of sensitivity of the BPD person cannot be overstated. Hence, when some sleight or unintended (or intended) insult comes our way, the impact on us is devastating and longer lasting than for the average person. Marsha Linehan has expressed the extent of emotional pain for the person with BPD in this way: "People with BPD are like people with 3rd degree burns ...Lacking emotional skin,they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

My problem is with 'apparent competence' and a theatrical confidence, developed through the professional experiences of teaching and probation work over a twenty year period. Because of this 'shell' a lot of people consider that it is not possible to hurt me. Unfortunately, none of us are mind readers and therefore we have no idea of the weight or force with which our words and actions are carried to the heart of another person. Most people have some kind of emotional armour, but as Marsha Linehan's words point out, the heart of the person with BPD is raw and it is as if those hurtful things are hitting an exposed and beating heart lying on a table. It is as if the wounds opened long ago are fresh and, further hurt (however minimal to the average person) feels like salt rubbed into those wounds.

One of the good things about being an 'emotionally sensitive' person is that my own vulnerability has taught me to weigh my words and actions very carefully. I have no idea what devastation I may unleash unwittingly on those around me, because I can never understand fully the life experience of any other person. No matter how similar our experiences may seem.

When I feel the pain of these kinds of moments I know that they are connecting with numberless moments from my life when I have felt abandoned and rejected. These moments have become so much a part of my life, that in expecting, fearing or anticipating it I often create the rejection I fear. I know I act in ways which produce the opposite result to that which I intended. Such is one paradox of being emotionally sensitive - I have written about the toll this 'push-me, pull-you' yo-yo of emotions has taken on past relationships in previous posts.

Although I have completed a period of DBT treatment and am better equipped to manage my emotions than before, I continue to be an emotional 'burns victim', in the process of growing new skin over the exposed wounds. So, more often than not I find myself feeling like the world is out to get me and I feel I am alone in my battles.

Anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time will know that all types of music are my refuge when I am struggling with emotional issues. So it is in this case - I have a range of songs which allow me to express my grief and sadness, while at the same time reminding me that I am a strong person to have managed to survive to this point in my life. Sometimes we all need reminders that even if it is not just our paranoia, when we feel alone and embattled, we have more fight in us than we thought.

1) Something inside so Strong - Labi Siffre (No need for explanation)
2) The Impossible Dream - Camelot (listen to the lyrics - to fight the impossible fight)
3) Towerblock - Julia Fordham (1980s chanteuse - deep deep lyrics, worth looking up just to listen to this one song, if you've ever felt cursed by the strength that has helped you to survive)
4) I am What I am - Gloria Gaynor (?)
5) Somewhere - from West Side Story (any decent version will do - somewhere there's a place for us...)
6) Anthem for a Lost Cause - Manic Street Preachers
7) Shadows Fall - The Proclaimers (an album track which beautifully captures the pain of just getting through life)
8) High Flying Adored - From Evita (great version by Madonna and Antonio Banderas) lyrics about the public persona versus the private - never assume anything about other peoples' inner lives - we don't know unless they share that part of themselves with us.
9) Pavane for a Dead Princess - Maurice Ravel (I know the title isn't very appealing, but the expressive music allows so much letting go of sadness - I find I am able to sit with difficult emotions like grief and sadness when I either play this or listen to it....just let the music affect your emotions)
10)Town Without Pity - Eddi Reader (Or Gene Pitney if you fancy the original) Great when you feel people have been getting at you - a kind of musical finger to the small minds that have been picking on you for whatever reason - personally I love the brass arrangement on Eddi Reader's Version.

(Nearly Made it: Beautiful, Christina Aguilera, Beneath Your Beautiful, Labrinth, Over and Done with - Soundtrack Sunshine on Leith (The Proclaimers), I'll Find my Way Home, Jon & Vangelis, Never Had a Dream Come True, Stevie Wonder...)

When I am licking my emotional wounds I need this soundtrack, along with a healthy dose of solitude, crammed with positive things which reinforce the good things about my life - which I need to keep acknowledging are many and many-faceted. My dog accepts me unconditionally and loves me. I have learned through owning her, that I am capable of loving other creatures and have managed to begin to transfer that knowledge to humans! And when people have hurt me I no longer give up on people all together. I am now able to look at the friends who have stood by me, who understand that friendship is a two way street (that I am capable of giving back) and who assure me that I am indeed, lovable.