Friendship & BPD

I have a strong network of friends. In fact I have a network of strong friendships. It is the first time in my life that I have felt secure in such a network. Many of my friendships have been allowed to develop because the turbulence in my life has slowly stopped over the past twelve years when I have stopped the crash and burn pattern of my relationships, jobs and life. Before I was aware of my diagnosis I was a nightmare friend. I confused people. I was intense in my expectations of time, feelings and shared experiences. I burned many friends out because they found it exhausting keeping up with my constant needs and demands for time.

It was frustrating to be my friend, because on the one hand I constantly presented as being in need, but would refuse to explain my upset. I frequently disrupted social events by storming out or quietly disappearing. I went missing for weeks on end, then would return with obvious injuries but refuse to explain where I had been or what had happened to me. You see, I felt that if they were 'really my friends' they would just accept me and they would actually know what was going on without me having to explain - after all that was what my 'real friends' would be able to do.

I had no boundaries, it took a long time for me to trust people on one hand, but on the other, you could find me disclosing distressing details about my abusive past within minutes of meeting. One of my friends used to describe this as an 'Alma Grenade'. It was not uncommon for me to launch these highly explosive grenades into conversations at parties, then move quickly on to crazy comedy riffs, as if I had not launched an emotionally explosive nuclear bomb. My behaviour would swing from extremely distressed and tearful to what can only be described as 'dancing on the ceiling'. When I was feeling 'hyper' I would insist on reckless behaviour. Walking in risky areas at night, ignoring any risks to myself or any others around me. Frequent reckless driving particularly at speed along twisting country roads, frequently driving at high speed on motorways. If you were my friend you may have to be a passenger on one of these 'trips'.

I expected my friends to be there 24 hours a day 7 days a week, while at the same time, fully expecting them to 'let me down' - usually when they imposed reasonable time limits and or gave me limits on when I could call. Imposing such boundaries would inevitably result in the friendships ending. My reaction to endings was extreme, I could not tolerate even being on the same side of the street as former friends, and often, forced myself to relocate entirely (usually to the other side of the country or even abroad) following the ending of a friendship.

So, at the age of 48 I find that I have one friend (and her husband) who have lasted the course since university. I have no childhood friends left, having burnt my school bridges long ago. My journey is littered with friendships and relationships. At the time of my diagnosis at the age of 42 I was in the process of repeating patterns of friendship 'implosion', having lived here nearly five years. Up until that point, apart from my childhood home, that had been the longest I had managed to live anywhere, ever.

Six years on, I have completed nearly two years of DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and five years of care under Mental Health services. During that time I have made and KEPT a number of friends and feel I've reached a point where I can be a good friend back. I no longer push friendships to breaking point, in some kind of perverse self fulfilling prophecy that 'I am unloved and unlovable', which is the best way to describe the emotional impulses behind my self destruct approach to friendship in the past.

I have found it helpful to use the DBT Inter Personal Skills particularly when I have been tempted to return to my old patterns of relating in friendship. This has meant that over the last three or four years, I have managed to weather typical friendship hurdles and misunderstandings, without entirely having to give up on my ability to make and keep friends:

The DEAR MAN skills aim to help me achieve objective goals - often feeling that I have a right to ask for fairness in service as a customer meant that I never questioned businesses, or was able to make clear, what were my preferences. After all, my needs have never mattered. Sometimes in friendships it is important to be honest about the practicalities which may mean that I can't do this or that. To tell my friends that I would prefer not to do something does not mean that the friendship has to end. If I'm honest this ability to express my needs as valid is something I continue to struggle with:

D Describe
E Express
A Assert
R Reinforce
M Mindful
A Appear Confident
N Negotiate

For the person with BPD the idea that I can negotiate disagreements and problems in friendships without being rejected is one of the most difficult to come to terms with. I have had occasions on which the following GIVE skills have helped me to explain any issues without feeling that I am risking the friendship. They have helped me to negotiate issues without them becoming 'do or die' moments for the friendships:

G Gentle
I Interested
V Validate
E Easy Manner

Feeling secure in myself and my value to friends has been vital in keeping balance in my friendships. It is hardly surprising that if I have no idea who I am, or that who I am has any value in any of my relationships, it is hardly surprising that I have experienced and persevered with damaging relationships and friendships, whilst rejecting those which valued me. This is a paradox for those who care for those of us with BPD. Sometimes we are so suspicious of genuine love and care, abusive relationships somehow feel more familiar. I regret the number of caring relationships and friendships that have foundered on the rocks of my lack of self esteem. The FAST skills are designed to help me to deal with issues and relationships which may be harmful to me, or continue to reinforce my lack of validation. One symptom of my lack of self esteem is a continual feeling that I must apologise for everything, just in case I am to blame for all that is wrong in the world!

F Fair
A Apologies (no Apologies)
S Stick to values
T Truthful

Learning what these skills are is only the beginning for me. Along with the basic DBT skills I have made some discoveries of my own, which are still working their way out in my day to day friendships.

1. Friendship is different from Intimate Relationship. One of the main problems I faced in friendships was the confusion between close friendship and sexual relationships. Given the experiences of confused sexuality born of the experience of childhood sexual abuse, it is hardly surprising that I have at times confused care and concern, for sexual interest. Inevitably this has led to mistrust and confusion in the boundaries within friendships and unfortunately opened me up to further sexual abuse in relationships as an adult. Boundaries are important for me as someone suffering the symptoms of BPD. I am not a hugger. It is important for me that physical intimacy is not a part of friendship. If you find me physically attractive and you want me to respond in kind, it is vital that you are clear about your expectations of me, this may seem a bit childish, but I am easily confused by 'signals' and need clarity. This is important because physical attraction adds problematic dimensions to relationships, that I may not be equipped to manage, particularly if I remain unaware of 'agendas'. For me, relationships cannot become games of flirting, my emotional responses are too erratic and my ability to read other people continues to be impaired. Clarity prevents unintended hurt feelings on both sides.

2.Ground Rules are Vital For the person with BPD all relationships and friendships are akin to trying to negotiate a minefield without any map or GPS. I have learned to be honest with people about the things I find difficult. I am a good actress and one of the coping mechanisms I have used in the past is to mimic more successful behaviour around me. The problem for me in relationships was that often I was only aware that my grasp of friendship dynamics was faulty after the fact. 'Learning from your mistakes' became a matter of 'that didn't work, let's see if this works'. The problem is that any models of 'acceptable behaviour' I followed were not necessarily right for me, because they took into account the personalities, values and beliefs of another person. In all my current friendships I have learned to listen to myself - it is easier as I have been using DBT skills which mean that I am no longer lost in a fog of indefinable feelings, which are swinging wildly out of control. So now, if I need some time to myself, I am able to say so. If I feel I need some company and have nothing planned I know who and when I can call as friends. I also have learned that unplanned calls or visits where friends are not available is not a rejection of me. I can therefore cope when friends tell me, No. This means that they in return don't feel they have to 'walk on egg shells'. They know I will not spiral out of control emotionally just because they have other plans. It has been important for me to be clear about this and to keep checking it out, instead of going into a corner and brooding until I believe I have been utterly rejected. It also means that I have a responsibility not just to disappear and blame friends for not knowing a) where I am or b) what I am feeling.

3. I take my Friends at Face Value. I no longer suspect motives or 'read minds'. If my friends say to me 'I missed you' or 'It's really good to see you', I do not assume either a judgement of my absence or that there is a suspicious motive in 'buttering me up'. I am learning to listen to them 'non-judgementally' and I am learning to accept that if they are spending time with me, it is just because they actually enjoy my company, or that I have to buy them things to 'reward' them for doing so. As a result I have found that my close friendships are no longer fraught, nor do I feel that I need to buy expensive (and embarrassing for the recipients) gifts to 'buy' their friendships. Learning to do this is validating in itself.

4. No Friend or Person can Undo the Pain of the Past. One of the impossible expectations I have put on all my relationships has been to

expect my friends to fill the emotional void within me. It has been a hard learned lesson that No One can every undo the traumas of the past. So many of my friendships foundered on the rocks of my need and expectation that their unconditional love for me could and would undo the distress I felt as a result of an invalidating childhood. No relationship however intense could withstand such an expectation. My friendships today have to be taken as they are in the here and now. In a strange way accepting them for what they are in the present, is managing to undo the damage of failed friendships in the past. They are gone, the pain from them failing is an echo of the past, it does not have to the reality of my present.

5. Friendships Aren't Bound by Vows. Unlike marriage, my friends and I are not bound together by legal or religious vows. It is not a contract as such. In the past I have tried to impose conditions that were unfair and binding on my friends. Conversations with friends which begin 'Promise me you'll never...' are deeply unfair. They are born of the desperation not to be abandoned and the fear of rejection. True friendship is given and received freely. Sometimes there is a natural ebb and flow to them, as people move in and out of our lives. Such flow of relationships is so difficult for me as a BPD sufferer, because, after all you're getting a job on the other side of the world is because I am such a hateful person - isn't it? If I were able to open up to my friends about the depth of my belief that I am so utterly unlovable that I must the cause of all separation and abandonment in my life and the lives of others, they would be shocked. But that is the reality behind my desperate pleas for you to promise, never to move away, never to change, never to get married etc... Accepting that I cannot do so has been freeing and has allowed me to grieve for the loss of friends who have had to move away or who have moved out of my life simply because we both have moved into different phases in our lives. Every now and then I need to be reminded that my life is a journey and not everyone I meet on the road will stay with me for the duration of the whole journey. In fact the only relationship in which I can expect a promise of a life together, is one which has been formalised in marriage, and even then, for many this relationship too can end.

As I have moved forward with my Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills and my basic friendship rules I have found that I am able to develop honest, stable friendships and I am willing to move outside a very narrow circle of one or two close and trusted friends. As a result my social life is developing faster than I expected.

Here are a series of Interpersonal Effectiveness Handouts which give excellent examples of when to use the different skills: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/interpersonal_effectiveness_ha.html

On Elections, Weather & Other things I can't Control

I started writing this post a few days after the Election Results. I broke off as I realised I was wholly in emotion mind and focusing on my emotional response to the whole campaign was not helpful in managing my emotions. Wise mind decision! Since then, I along with most of the country, have been trying to make sense of the re-election of a deeply unpopular government and waking up to the realisation that really so many felt they had no choice - despite being offered a choice of arguably the most varied range of political parties with a realistic prospect of gaining seats in parliament.

I will leave the politics to others who enjoy such things, but I need to make sense of some deeply troubling effects on my mental health from feeling helpless and hopeless about a process which is supposed to make me feel a part of society.

Don't get me wrong, I have encountered many people, including, presumably, those who voted for the current government, who have felt anything but optimistic and happy about the result. For me as someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), emotions are heightened and extended by the atmosphere around me, in addition to connecting with pre-existing feelings of despair and helplessness based on my life experiences. I am aware that Radical Acceptance is the right skill to use to move forward without becoming bogged down by my own self igniting feelings. Before I am able to do that I need to be able to identify the feelings that are affecting me most deeply.

1) Frustration - It has taken me three weeks, but I recognise that throughout the six weeks of campaigning I was in a near permanent state of frustration at the lack of real debate.

I was brought up in Northern Ireland, where political debate was highly emotive and strongly argued. No matter which political point of view was being represented it was always from the heart. Irish rugby teams are renowned for the 'fire in the belly' and relentless fight until the final whistle. I was weaned on such fight and passion in my politicians, whether I agreed with them or not.

Throughout this year's election campaign I was constantly dismayed by the lack of challenge from opponents of the government. More than that, there seemed to be a lack of real feeling for the impact of decisions on real people. I feel that important issues weren't aired in a truly Northern Irish level of debate - fiery and insulting, yes, but at least giving vent to strongly held opinions as well as based on facts. Another frustration was being well informed on important issues such as Health, Education and Justice and realising that, either by omission or design, the media allowed itself to be sidetracked into unimportant fripperies instead of pressing home on key points with all parties.

I felt no one was hearing my voice - and there in my frustration is where my past has met my present. As someone with BPD who for all my life has believed that I am to blame for every fault in life, either my own or others, the sense that I could not make my voice heard echoed back to the most painful moments of my life.

2) Injustice - because of the lack of real debate many who have suffered greatly in the past five years of austerity politics, again had no voice. All my life I have felt deeply inequality and injustice. As a survivor of CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) and in observing the scape-goating of some of our most committed public servants, I feel deeply any sense of injustice. I need to recognise when my own emotional sensitivity builds the sense of injustice to the point of being unbearable. Radical Acceptance seeks to take the sting out of that by acknowledging that actually, I cannot carry the sense of injustice for whole parts of society, on my own. Nor am I the only person who feels that injustice. Hard to hold on to when such a government has been returned to power. However, in seeking to manage the effects of these emotions there is a point where I must stop feeding the rising emotional stress and anxiety about the national situation and allow that I am powerless against it. Without wanting to fall into the cliche of 'Frozen' to 'let it go'.

Some years ago I had the privilege to work with displaced people in Northern Sudan. I don't think it is possible to find a better living example of injustice than the African tribes who were facing systemic genocide, and indeed, still do. As someone on the ground, it was impossible not to feel overwhelmed. Again, my emotional sensitivity meant that I automatically identified and joined my own suffering with the suffering around me. It resulted in me contending with culture shock alongside crippling emotional paralysis. Six weeks in, a colleague working for UNICEF spoke to me about how she coped. I now recognise the wisdom of Radical Acceptance. She said, 'Alma, you cannot change the world, but you can try to change the world for one person.' This along with the relationships built up with some war widows allowed me to see, that even the presence of outside observers able to point out the injustice was a boost to those we were working alongside. In essence the realisation that someone had just noticed there was an injustice, was a relief. I know a little of that from the moments when people have persisted with the message that it was okay to feel that what was done to me as a child was unacceptable. I also know how many times you have to hear it before you accept that it is true.

Back to the injustice apparent in the UK, I have a choice. Remain in my emotional paralysis. Or seek support from others of like mind and join together to make our voice heard. I have considered joining a political party, but I need to be free to vote according to my conscience rather than imposed party political ideas. So, I have decided to keep speaking as I am able about issues that matter to me. When I am stable and when it is unlikely to affect my emotional and mental health.

3) Fear - This week, I have suffered my most disruptive panic attack in months. In reality I have been living with a low level anxiety since the turn of the year. Most of my anxiety connects to my belief that I am worthless, something which has been reinforced by the divisive rhetoric which went on for over two months during the election campaign. At times I felt stabs of fear, as politicians divided human beings into groups of 'them' and 'us'. Having fought my mental illness over my lifetime and only been given a diagnosis which helped me access appropriate help at the age of 42, I have been dependent on state payments for three years now.

Having belonged to the 'hardworking' for most of my life - and paid into the state welfare system through tax and insurance for over 35 years, I now find myself vilified and disregarded by those in power. No major party spoke up for me effectively. At any point, because people in this country believe that the working poor, the disabled and those of us with mental health issues are 'undeserving' I could see the means to keep my head afloat pulled from under me. I am grateful for the provision that has been made for me, although would point out I have paid towards my own needs for many years. I am afraid to let people know that I am in receipt of benefits. I am afraid that I cannot keep up with my house repayments. I am afraid that the best option is for me to regress towards relapse than keep struggling to manage my condition. Having my basic needs provided for allows me space to do that.

The current 'new' government wants to increase the cuts to welfare, so that I don't become 'comfortable' on 'state handouts'. It believes, as do those who have voted for them, that all I need to be well is a job. I had a job for 35 years. I had excellent, well paid jobs for years. Finally, I was a shell of a person, because they did not address my underlying emotional and mental health needs. Because I have struggled to keep up with payments on all bills I have now fallen into fuel poverty. That means that 25% of my income is taken up with maintaining heat and light. Don't get me wrong, I have made major cut backs in an attempt to cut my costs. The fuel company has acknowledged that I have reduced my indebtedness and my annual energy costs are less than a third of those of an average household. Nonetheless the roll over deficit from winter to summer has not been cleared for the past three years, so here I am being told that I am in fuel poverty. That is hard for someone who has pride in self sufficiency to take. Such emotional struggles weary me. I am doing my best to find work that is sustainable and realistic. I cannot at present work five days a week. I am expensive for some employers due to my professional qualifications and work experience. However, the reality of managing my condition means that I need space in between periods of work - spaced out part time hours in order to prevent relapse. I have learned this over a long period of time (nearly 20 years) when I was most unstable.

What hope do I have of being allowed the time and space to fully manage my condition, when people who have terminal illnesses with a longer life expectancy of six months are being required to seek work? (one proposal from our caring government).

Behind these personal, practical fears is another more instinctive fear that as a nation we have moved beyond caring for one another, simply for being fellow human beings. Without being over dramatic I recognise in the dehumanising nature of some rhetoric and the blaming of specific groups for societal ills, historic echoes of the most heinous crimes against humanity from Germany, to Cambodia, to Rwanda. If you consider me as less than you, simply because I belong to a group 'other than' you, then that gives you permission to treat me as you will. It is hardly surprising that I have allowed this fear to grow as it has connected with the fears and realities I have already experienced as a survivor of CSA - a number of people in my life before have considered me as 'less than' and therefore given themselves permission to treat me in ways they would not wish to be treated themselves.

I have worked hard against these fears and against the labels that seek to push me down. In short, I have overcome more than anyone will ever know and I have the strength of recognising that I am more than, that I am precious because I am loved. I am not measured by how much in financial terms I can contribute, but in the person I am, the value I bring to my relationships, whether I have strength to help others less fortunate than me.

Despair - It is easy to despair and I fight against that. I need to relearn the art of hearing the positive in good relationships around me. I need to see the positives in the number of people dissatisfied with the election result. To know there are others close to me and unknown to me who recognise the injustices and the same fears for our nation.

My starting point has to be to accept the situation as it is. Just as I have to live each day in either rain or sunshine, without being able to determine or control either, so my task is to live my day to day as best I can in the society and circumstances I find myself.

Touch - finding my way back

TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of Childhood Sexual Abuse

I don't do hugs. It's one of 'those' things - touch. I have blogged about using all the senses in mindfulness, but for me touch is a major problem area. I'm not alone: it is for anyone who has suffered childhood sexual or physical abuse. From as far back as I can remember, my sense of appropriate touch has been disorientated by the stinging hand on bare flesh or the violating fingers of those who are my most intimate relations. Where do I begin to make sense of intimacy if those who 'love' me most, who are my flesh and blood, swing between physical or sexual assault?

I have no desire to relive every stinging blow, or every violating touch, but I do acknowledge that my history of relationships has been marked by repeated attempts to make sense of the disconnect between my physical and emotional responses to touch. I have belittled myself in attempts to feel close to people, whilst inspiring the rejection I have tried so hard to escape - I mean who wants to stay with a doormat? At the same time, with those who genuinely cared for me and attempted to show their love appropriately, I found myself distrusting and disconnecting myself from enjoying moments of true intimacy where my emotional instinct could have worked in sync with my partners' desires for intimacy: who wants to be with someone who beats you up emotionally for the crime of loving them? Instead of trying to work through the difficulties of these relationships I ran from them straight into the arms of those who would treat me as 'I deserved'. In the end after so many years and failed relationships I came to the end of myself and have lived in self imposed 'purdah' avoiding as much physical contact as possible.

It is probably the most difficult aspect of my life's experience to talk about. It goes so deeply to who we are as people, to how we connect with the world around us. There is a need for those of us who struggle with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) to connect emotionally with the world around us. Beyond that, though, to be able to connect with people and to be able to function within intimate relationships, we need to be able to construct an understanding of the importance and healing power of the 'right touch'. More than that, we need to rebuild the shattered sense of self which has resulted from our formative years. If I don't have a clear sense of who I am, of what makes me tick, what hope does anyone have who wants to love me? Anyone wanting to love me finds themselves on constantly shifting sand, because I am unable to pin down who I am or even whether I deserve my place in this world, let alone in their affections.

Those who fail to understand the importance of justice for the victims of historical abuse fail to understand the all pervasive and long lasting impact of such offences on those who have survived them. It goes to the very core of who I am. It takes time to rebuild my shattered self image. How do I find an accurate reflection of who I am, if my family, those to whom I am genetically and historically connected, were unable to validate who I am from day one?

In disconnecting myself from the world around me in an effort to survive the emotional fallout from my childhood, I have enclosed myself within a prison through which, even the most determined of people fail to penetrate. The isolation is both a friend and foe. If no one touches me (emotionally) - no one is able to touch me (physically). My need at the point where I can begin to feel again is to break these walls down so that I can connect at the deepest level with those around me.

Other aspects of my recovery and practice of skills which help me manage my BPD are in my control. This aspect of recovery, though takes the active participation and acceptance of another human being. One of my favourite sayings used to be 'I don't do human beings'. To me the whole human race was suspect because I effectively had been rejected from the moment I arrived on earth. The sense of alienation is not unique to me, many people with complex mental health conditions feel like outsiders.

For over a decade I was unable to connect with anyone or anything emotionally, let alone experience anything of significance through my senses. Now that I am able to identify and allow myself to experience a widening range of feelings and sensations, I feel that I need to be able to move on to connecting with those who I have allowed to be part of my world.

My steps towards intimacy have to be progressive - healing takes time and small steps I can cope with.

1. I started with a Hamster. I had been isolated for a number of weeks following a really bad bout of proper 'flu and one of my friends gave me my first pet since my childhood - I was 31. His name was Haffertee Hamster and I trained him to spend ages running through my hands, to greet me when I came home from work and to do other little tricks. Through caring for him I was able to feel less useless, as well as having the soothing sensation of a small furry running through my hands. In my childhood, dogs, cats and ponies were the only safe touches I experienced. That and the sensation of water on my skin - I trained for my swimming six days a week, twice a day - it was almost an alien cocoon, protecting me from the world around me. When I was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 42 I was badly in need of safe touch. I had rescued three cats, and that was enough for a while, then Smilla came along - I love her for her dependability and her patience when I make her stand and receive 'cuddles' - she is so big and fluffy I can stand and hold her for as long as I need.

2. I have allowed myself to feel sensual again. I love smellies, perfumes, silks, cotton. As a child I sucked my thumb while rubbing cotton and/or silk - it is soothing. Truth be told, there are still times when I suck my thumb - the sensation is still soothing. For a long time I tried to live my life as asexual - trying to block any attraction to either gender as I was abused by both. Anyone who has survived sexual abuse will recognise the belief that there must be something in 'me' that makes 'me' susceptible to being abused. I believed that if I stopped the things which encouraged my femininity it would stop any abuse - unfortunately, it didn't work because the desire to abuse another human being lies not in the abused but in the abuser, so sexual assaults from a range of people in different contexts continued up until I was 40. I want to reclaim my enjoyment of my body, the sense of freedom I felt as a teenager when skinny dipping, the ejoyment of the fact that I do have womanly curves - my hourglass figure is re-emerging from years of obesity because I no longer need to protect myself from enjoying my own body. I have learned to be confident enough in myself to respect my needs as much as I respect the needs of others. It is a steep learning curve, but I will keep trying.

3. I am willing to accept compliments. I am getting noticed again, or rather I am taking notice of the fact that I'm getting noticed! It is nice to feel that there is nothing wrong or sinister when a man compliments my figure or face.

This is another beginning. It is something that is central to my recovery, yet something that I could not begin to discuss with those in charge of my care. When discussing touch as an aspect of Mindfulness practice it is important to bear in mind that the long term impact of self soothe touch is incalculable when helping people without me having to reiterate the exact wounds I need to be healed from.