Knowing Who I am - the Crux of the Matter

One of the aspects of a diagnosis of Personality Disorder, particularly that of Emotionally Sensitive (ESPD) or Borderline PD, which causes controversy, is the idea that someone's personality can be fundamentally flawed or 'disordered'. There is also currently much discussion around the issues of diagnosis in general, not to mention the perenniel problems of labelling. Whatever it is called, or whatever diagnosis clinicians and practitioners seek to use in order to identify shared symptoms among those who suffer from PD, the diagnosis, for me, remains simply a signpost indicating areas in which my experience of the world may differ from that of others and help them to provide me with guidance as to the best possible therapies or approaches available to help me overcome my difficulties.

The fact that one cluster of BPD symptoms centres around issues of identity and, therefore human relationships, means that even the most basic understanding of myself and my place in the world, ie who I am, is problematic for me. My understanding has grown around this area as I have learned to observe my own functioning especially in the area of inter-personal relationships.

One of the key consequences of the invalidating childhood environment is to make me doubt entirely my expectations and understanding of the world as I experience it. In essence, the very fact that my emotional responses to pain, or neglect were, ignored, ridiculed or contradicted by my main care givers means that I cannot trust my emotional responses to the world. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that those of us with the symptoms associated with ESPD or BPD experience emotions at a much higher intensity than the average person. Fear, anger and anxiety are primary emotions in terms of helping us survive, particularly when we are at risk of physical harm. However, once again even these most primal of emotional responses have been distorted by the messages we received when growing up, particularly if we have survived childhood abuse, whether sexual, physical, or emotional. For many the intense emotions lead to hyper-vigilance, hypersensitivity and therefore, often result in what appears to the casual observer as inexplicably extreme reactions to everyday situations.

How I feel about the world informs how the world reflects messages about who I am, or who they think I am, back to me. If my emotional messages to the world come through a distorting prism, then the messages I receive back about who I am and how I relate to the world around me, comes back to me as a distortion - sometimes it jars with me, sometimes it confirms my deepest fears. So, I find it difficult to believe I am a likeable person, because even my parents had no time for me. If friends try to give me the message that I am likeable, this feels alien to me and I manage my discomfort with this by imagining reasons for them saying they like me - If I never check out my assumptions my ability to trust others will always be on shaky ground and I will not be able to learn new ways of seeing myself. In other words, I will constantly prevent myself from seeing me as others see me. Unless I am able to counteract the internal distortions by beginning to learn about myself as I am now, then I will continue to find myself in cycles of intense relationships where I try to mould myself to how I think I should be, followed by ongoing rejections which reinforce the distorted views of myself as unlikeable.

I have always struggled with statements which begin 'I am...', yet being able to complete these statements is an important first step in helping me to look at myself in a mirror which is not twisted by my internal emotional responses. I found this sheet from a website for teachers looking for ice breakers for the start of term. As I read through it and applied it to myself I found that I am able to fill in more of the statements about how I view myself, than a year ago. It is good for me to complete this exercise on my own and remind myself that the more clear I am about the 'I am' statements is a reflection of the progress I have been able to make in becoming more secure in my identity. This also reflects the stability in my current close relationships and friendships. It is so positive to be able to say I can measure some friendships in decades now, I've also never lived so long in one place since I left home at the age of 18. I am growing more secure in who I am and my place in the world.

Sometimes my Feelings Change my Perceptions

'Sometimes you hear things that aren't being said. When you are right it makes you astute, when you are wrong it makes you....' I finished it for her 'paranoid!'. I have some excellent friendships. A vital element for my friends is that they are able to 'tell truth to Alma'. It helps me to see through the smokescreen created by the turmoil my emotions throw up for me at times.

I don't have issues with reading into people's words or actions when things are stable. However, if anything destabilises me or causes me to become emotionally sensitive, then the cycles and waves of difficult emotions are sustained by this tendency of mind to see things to prove my sense that I am under threat.

This is related to the fact that I tend to 'mind read' people as well. Usually, the feelings that most cause these difficulties are anger and anxiety. It is as if my thinking becomes bathed in the red warning light of hyper vigilance. Because people in the past have hurt me, that means that I can never trust the words and intentions of people in the here and now.

This is where I need to use a number of strategies.

1. First of all I need to be able to recognise that I might be maintaining my distress by constantly reigniting my anxiety or anger, because I keep circling round key events and conversations related to the triggered emotions.

2. To be able to control the thoughts, I need to stop the speed and power of the emotional waves. So, I use self soothing to bring my emotional temperature down to a manageable level. This is my self soothing kit: http://bpdlifeinthemoment.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/my-self-soothe-kit-whats-in-yours.html

3. When I am able to manage the emotions through mindful breathing, I need to stop my thinking from returning again and again to minute details in the triggering events. I use my mindful visualisation of floating leaves or clouds to let go of distressing thoughts.

4. I try to use Wise Mind to question my perceptions. Is that really what happened? Am I reading into things that were said? If someone else had been there would their perception of what went on be different? Ultimately, it is useful to have trusted friends with whom I can test my reactions. Sometimes they confirm that I have not over reacted. Other times, they seek to reassure me that my feelings have distorted my perceptions of what went on. If possible, I have one or two friends who can check out with other people involved, sensitively what went on.

This is a learning process. When I become distressed in a situation or relationship, I am learning to withdraw and not react to what I perceive to be going on, until I have been able to manage my immediate emotional reaction. This is very important particularly when the emotion triggered is anger.

In the past, my reactions in some situations have appeared to others out of proportion. I have found their consequent attempts to appease me intensely patronising, as I could not see past my clouded perception of threat. I wonder if this goes some way to explaining some of the reactions from medical staff when I have become distressed and apparently uncontrollable?

It is as if a light has gone on in relation to some difficult experiences with medical professionals in the past. I have always felt that they were minimising my distress, when, in fact they could not possibly realise that my perception of the world around me was so threatening as to make my extreme fear understandable. Because I don't have a diagnosis which has as one of its main symptoms, psychosis, the idea of distorted perception of reality does not enter many people's reckoning. Including my own.

I am learning through recovery that I need to keep managing my condition. I am still absorbing the truth that I will never be totally 'cured' and so, I need to keep making use of the skills that have helped me in the past year or so. I am also continuing to explain, as I am able the impact of my condition on my day to day life. This process is helping me to become familiar with the things that bring me down, as well as practising the skills that help me bring stability back to my emotions.