The Sound of Silence....is it golden for you?

'Click, Click, Click' these used to be the first sounds to enter my consciousness as first the radio, then the TV and finally the phone were switched on. There was no point in my day when I was able to hear 'background sounds', or even the sound of silence. From the radio in my car to my ipod constantly plugged into my ears when working 'quietly' to everyone else's music or endless chatter, I never considered that my quiet times were anything but.

Three years on from beginning to practise DBT skills, and mindfulness in my daily life, I have found that there are many times when I am enveloped in the 'sound of silence'. Everyday, after the initial alarm, I potter around my house doing my daily chores and even eat, drink and read in 'silence'.

If I'm honest, I have only recently become comfortable with silence. In the past there was an urgency in blocking it out. So much energy was invested in damming up the feared internal distress that both physical and mental 'busyness' became an ingrained habit. In the same way that I invested every last drop of physical energy in my paid work, I invested all of my time alone in noise to drown out my internal distress.

There is a reason that some of the torture techniques recently reported from Guantanamo involve noise. Either incessant blaring music or 'white noise', but then again the difference between music and noise is in the ear of the beholder! Walking in nature without my ipod is relaxing simply because I am no longer forcing into my mind noise for fear that I will be overwhelmed by the internal noise within.

What has changed is the realisation that I no longer fear the feelings that used to overwhelm and defeat me. I have learned to move on from my past and my present is no longer burdened with long remembered hurts. Some emotional pain is justified but it becomes suffering when I allow it to mar my experience of more positive experiences in the here and now. Scars exist and are a natural part of having survived trauma, but they fail to heal if I keep tearing the scabs from them. If I can learn to accept the feelings without trying to drown them out with constant noise, then the rawness of the scars will lessen and heal without the underlying distress keeping the emotional pain fresh.

Silence has an important role to play in healing. In silence I find space to feel, think, reflect - important that it does not become brooding. This is where the disciplines of mindfulness give me the skills I need to make the most of silence. Focus on the immediate, the here and now, ground myself in the present and when feelings which are unconnected with my current moment arise, let them go. The fear of being unable to cope with silence goes, the more I practise non-judgemental, one thing at a time.

Something else which making room for silence does, is that it allows me to enjoy even more the times when I listen to music or watch something. When I am able to enjoy the silence, then I am able to experience and therefore enjoy the non silence even more. Silence and space allow me to enjoy the times and experiences which fill the silence. I can appreciate the night sky most when I am in an environment which is far from artificial light - when I am far from light pollution.

The problem with my previous fear of silence is that in an effort to run from it I cluttered my mind and emotions with noise and mental pollution. If I can give myself space and time to experience silence, then it allows me a purer experience of life when it comes into that silence. The other thing about 'silence' is that outside of a vacuum, which none of us live in, it is never absolute. There is always something we can listen to, if only we could switch off the artificial sounds with which we swamp ourselves!

My #DBT Bubblegum Playlists

'Bubblegum' for the Brain is the undemanding pieces of entertainment whether in the visual, musical or written arts which provide distraction without having to concentrate, in the way demanded by more 'challenging' pieces. I have both televisual and musical DBT Bubblegum Playlists. For when I need a lift and a literal break from life. It is escapist and unashamedly 'unworthy' - except in DBT terms I know that when I enjoy my time watching or listening to my Bubblegum playlists I can do so and must do so without judgement.

One of the things which has been most liberating as I come to the end of my forties is the ability to ignore fashion and issues around 'street cred'. If I find something enjoyable, escapist and helpful, it doesn't matter whether or not it's in the flow of a current trend. All that matters is how helpful anything is in helping me to manage my feelings so that they don't dominate my life.

To give you a better idea here is my current Bubblegum Watch and Listen List. Depending on what is available or what I come across on a daily basis the list grows or shrinks.

1. Midsomer Murders: Predictable, caricature rather than character, not bleak, 'raw', or 'gritty' in any way.

2. Sing (Ed Sheeran) - for the beat & the falsetto.

3. Modern Family Box Sets - I have been laughing out loud a lot at this American comedy. As each ep is only thirty minutes long, it gives me a lift before winding down towards bedtime, especially if I have been 'feeling' a lot during the day.

4. Poirot - absorbing without being demanding, even though I know the outcome the joy is watching, without any sense of threat or uncertainty. Some of my favourite viewing can be gritty and emotionally demanding, so programmes like this help me to find a balance. In the past, particularly when grappling with grief and sadness I would use darker programmes to wallow and almost pick at the emotional scars. It's good to give myself a break.

5. Boom-A-Boomerang (Abba) - in fact any of Abba's output up to 1980, when things took an unexpectedly darker turn! I kid you not....

6. Build Me Up Buttercup (The Foundations) - Mostly for the opening few notes...

7. Britain's Favourite Shed (Channel 4) - Bubblegum Gem that is absolutely current... amazingly creative things that people have done with their garden sheds... George Clarke, the presenter has the best North East accent ever and his enthusiasm for the sheds just oozes out of the telly...one that I am really enjoying at the moment.

8. Lucky (Glee Cast) - Again, like Abba both the TV series and musical numbers are so uplifting - this one is a frequent flyer on my playlists.

9. Feels Like I'm in Love (Kelly Marie) - if only for the Disco Bongos (boo boo, boo boo)

10. Holby City & Casualty - I don't keep up with daily soaps, but these weekly staples are a fixture in my Bubblegum playlists.

In managing intense swinging emotions, what I watch and listen to, can either soothe or feed the monsters within. Sometimes I need catharsis, an emotional blood letting, so the visceral heightened emotions of Game of Thrones, The Fall, or Hannibal are useful, as long as I have identified the feelings I am connecting with in the programme. Where the emotions being experienced are exhausting, Bubblegum programmes and music are important in helping me to use my Opposite Emotion skills. The key idea in all things is 'balance' and taking care of myself. I am safer watching Modern Family, when grappling with intense feelings of self loathing than anything which demands a darker response. Bubblegum satisfies the need to chew on something for a while, so that I don't feed the monster inside.

Colour Me ____________ (write your desired feeling here)

In past blogs I have written about ways to self soothe, including activities which when practised mindfully, help me to bring my feelings into focus, stop the rising tides of unmanageable emotions and short circuit the cycles of increasing impulses to manage those emotions by turning in on myself. I am always really pleased when I encounter new ways that help me to build variety to suit my many moods.

Colouring has been one way that I introduced a while ago in a very simple exercise to colour in a heart in colours representing my mood. This has been a great simple tool when I have been unable to concentrate on anything more complex.

For my birthday this month I spent some of my birthday money on a copy of the 'Secret Garden' the best selling 'adult' colouring in book. Before I even get my pencils out of the box, there is a joy in the beautiful drawings. There is a treasure trove of variety and complexity, as well as a treasure hunt with things to look out for as I progress through the book.

Above all I am able use my time colouring in mindfully. One of my increasing struggles is to justify to myself spending time doing something which is not strictly 'productive'. Non judgement is essential to allow myself to enjoy choosing the colours and then the products of my time spent colouring.

The abstraction of colour allows me to become free from thinking in words or indeed numbers, which for me is a vital part of managing my emotions. In a sense my tendency as a wordy person is to veer towards 'rational mind' and use words to bring clarity to what is going on. Sometimes, though my emotions have exhausted me so much that words become confused and linear thought is impossible. Working my way through the floral complexities of 'The Secret Garden' (other pen and ink drawing colouring books are out there) there is no right and wrong way to begin. I can choose a page to match how much time I have, what I feel like doing. There is no colour key, I can randomly select colours and observe the outcome, without trying to impose colour discipline on the activity, or I can toy with colour combinations in a more organised way.

Here are some simple rules to help me relax into colouring make the most of the activity as mindful.

1) Whatever is going on around me or within me, anchor myself in the here and now. The act of holding the book and the pencil ensures that my feelings do not carrying me away through day dreaming or flashbacks.

2) Match my breathing to the action of colouring, so that physically I am addressing any tensions related to negative emotions such as anger or anxiety.

3) Don't allow the silence to tempt me to think about doing other things at the same time. It is tempting to follow other thoughts that may come related to my anxieties in particular. Here the mindful principles of observe, describe help to bring me back to noticing what is going on in the page as I colour.

4) Remember it doesn't have to be perfect. There is a freedom in colouring in without knowing the end result - or indeed caring what it will be. As a striver towards excellence all my life in the hope of acceptance this is incredibly soothing and helps me to give myself a 'break'.

Water - the neglected Element?

As I recall - and I could be mistaken because it has been some decades - at school I was taught that the human body is 70% water. Whatever the accurate proportion, water and how I use it has to be an essential part of how I care for myself physically. I cannot survive without it. What about the part water has to play in my mental health? For me it is one thing that is easy to overlook, but in terms of managing my moods it is one of the most basic, and the most important things to get right.

Am I thirsty, or losing control of my mood? We readily recognise the impact food, or lack of it, or too much of it, or the wrong quality has on our moods. We are quick to notice when hunger is bringing our mood down, or the impact sugar has on quickly giving us a 'high'. Too often in the past, I didn't notice that being thirsty has a major impact on my low moods. I have found that I need to drink a minimum of 3 litres of non caffeinated fluids a day so that I remain relatively stable in my moods. I don't know why, except to understand that the description of emotionally sensitive indicates that those things in my environment or physical being which affect my moods and emotions are likely to have a bigger impact on me than the average 'bear'. I start my day with a pint glass full of squash - I marry this with my medications prior to breakfast and is one of my essential routines. When out for a coffee or having lunch I will buy a bottle of water or ask for tap water along with my hot drinks. I am able to notice when I haven't had enough to drink during the day and make use of a wide range of sugar free squashes to keep my water intake steady.

So far, so internal. What about how we use water to soothe and manage difficult moods. I learned to swim when I was three. Was a competitive swimmer from the age of six, I am supremely confident and comfortable in and around water. Here are some ways that I've used water to manage difficult emotions.

1. Mindful Showering and Washing. Noticing the feel, temperature and effects of the water on my skin. This is a self soothing activity for me, particularly when coupled with aromatherapy shower gels and bath cremes/bubbles.

2. Changing Temperature to Manage Distress Tolerance. In a similar way in which some use ice cubes, I have used changes in my bath temperature to help me overcome self harm impulses. The process of running the bath mindfully allows me time to notice the intensity of the impulses and to give myself 'time out' to allow them to subside. I will run the bath as hot as I can stand it - the shock to the system, 'wakens' me away from the internal pain. When I am fully immersed I let a certain amount of the hot water out of the bath before running cold water in. This allows me to notice the waves of cold water mixing in with the hot. Again, doing so mindfully focuses me in the here and now and creates a distraction from the emotional pain. For those for whom baths can be triggering the basic principle of switching between hot and cold can be used in a shower, or by running tap water over the inside of your wrists. This is something I learned to do when working in Africa - it is a quick way to cool yourself down! If you have the time and access, as a luxurious self care treat visit a Turkish Baths (there is an excellent council owned one in Harrogate), you don't have to book in for expensive massages, but can enjoy the simple process of hot steam rooms followed by freezing cold showers, or plunge pools. It is amazingly relaxing. The fact that the steam is infused with eucaplyptus and other aromatherapy oils, means you leave with skin that feels around 10 years younger!

3. Swimming. As I have said I am supremely comfortable in water, I can happily plough up and down the pool, as much as runners can enjoy running for miles. I can also relax by simply floating - something I learned so early I don't remember never being able to just lie on top of the water. On sunny holidays I more likely to be found floating in the water than lying by the side of the pool or on the beach. I also enjoy immersing myself completely so that all sound is drowned out. It's peaceful at the bottom of the pool. The rhythms of swimming are excellent ways to practice mindful breathing. I find that swimming allows me to both exercise and release tension - so much so that it's hard to stay awake after. I am certainly more relaxed that after other forms of exercise.

4. Get used to it. Not everyone is at home in water as much as me. If this is you, try to enjoy the same sensations by observing drops of water on the back of your hand. Watch the different directions it may run each time and try to do so using the principles of mindfulness.

From Riding the Roller-coaster to the Art of Gliding

Gliding is an activity I have long been fascinated by since I was child and we lived in the vicinity of a gliding club. In fact, I love all kinds of flying, I enjoy travelling by air, the smaller the aircraft, the more enjoyment I get out of the journey. I've parascended, zip wired and enjoyed flying in a helicopter through the Grand Canyon. Learning to fly is high on my Bucket List. Gliding, I think is a good way to learn the rudiments of flight, so I plan, in time, maybe to start there.

This past week I have hit some turbulence in my emotional equilibrium. It has come as a shock to my system especially as I have experienced a longish period of relative stability, particularly in what I refer to as my 'baseline'. Since early January my baseline has taken a dip towards depression, again. The symptoms are familiar to me. In the past it would have taken much longer to even notice this foundational dip, let alone take action to adjust myself to the change.

Initially the symptoms of depression and the consequent negative thought processes which have been part and parcel of my story for so long, have made me feel like I am 'failing' in my recovery. Before this becomes a cyclical thought/emotion dash to self destructive behaviour I know I need to take a step back and think more clearly about what is going on. This is when I started to think about gliding.

In the past, I experienced most days as roller-coaster rides. Massive shifts between negative and positive emotions happened in the space of one or two hours and back again, over and over again until I exhausted my emotional and physical reserves and ended up completely empty. Everything was out of my control, without me having access to any means to manage, direct or control my experience of life.

Today, I think, I am more like the glider pilot. I am still at the mercy of the 'thermals' of daily life. I cannot predict when the actions of others, or the simple process of being a human being are going to challenge me to negotiate a drop in emotional pressure. Unlike the experience of the funfair passenger, the glider pilot is capable of 'riding' the thermals, the forces which dictate the movement of the glider. In addition to having a vessel capable of negotiating the air pressure, there is a simple object - the joystick, which allows me, as the pilot, to determine the overall direction of the glider. Only if I let go of the joystick and give up on getting anywhere in the glider, am I in danger of crashing. Most of all, as that pilot, I need to acknowledge and use what nature throws at me.

I have never piloted a glider - yet, but I have enjoyed sailing in the past. In the same way, in sailing, I cannot change or determine where the wind is going to come from, how strong it is likely to be, or its effects on the waves around. I can, however, use the tiller and sails to negotiate my way through the water, making the most of the power the wind and waves supply. Again, I am able to determine the overall direction in which I want to go.

Right now, I would only be wasting my emotional and physical energy if I deny or resist the fact that I am depressed. In accepting that is where I am at the moment, I give myself permission to look after myself, to not try things I cannot achieve - for the moment. Nor do I need to give up on the hope of keeping moving forward with my life. This month, is not going to determine the progress of the rest of my life, any more than the glider pilot or yachtsman, are unable to steer their way through the thermals or waves - provided they use the tools and skills at their disposal.

For now the tools and skills I am using are Distress Tolerance, to cope with negative thoughts and emotions and Looking after myself physically (DBT PLEASE Skills) and using my DBT inter-personal skills to set aside some tasks that were causing me additional anxiety.

Above all, I am so pleased that the ups and downs are now less roller-coaster and more glider. The dips I am facing don't feel insurmountable. I have also learned that, as quickly as this storm has blown up, it can and will change - 'This Too Will Pass', as some of the worst moments in my life already have. I don't know how long it will last, but it will change to something else, something different, another part of the experience of life. I'm with Carole King - it is all part of the rich tapestry.

An Image for DBT Thought Diffusion

If you've followed this blog for any length of time you will know that I love it when I find images, music, art or anything that helps me to keep using my mindfulness skills. This image is an excellent tool to use in trying to rid myself of unwanted thoughts or feelings.

When using pictures I always start by taking time to focus myself on being in the moment. Usually, I do this through just becoming aware of my breathing, until it is regular and even. In the past during periods of instability I found that I would be holding my breath for short periods of time which would increase the impact of damaging emotions. So, having noticed and adjusted my breathing, I then try to notice how my body is reacting - usually I feel tension in my shoulders and neck. The process of focusing on my breathing actually naturally helps to relieve this tension.

Once I have been able to calmly focus on my breathing I focus on the image in front of me imagining the sort of day it might have been when the photo was taken. This image starts with me lying on my back in the sun, looking up at a stunning blue sky. I notice birds singing, feel the sun on my skin, notice a slight breeze. Then I notice dandelion seeds floating by.

I then shift my focus back to my breathing before noticing any feelings or thoughts. Then I name them. Without analysing or trying to understand where they have come from, I form them into words or sentences. These sentences or words I then attach to the seeds as they float in the sky above me (a bit like the words on the screen when Sherlock is noticing people in the new TV series). I watch them as they and the seeds rise away from me into the blue and eventually float away.

I repeat this as many times as I need until I feel calm. Then I return to focusing on the here and now and my breathing until I am ready to get on with my life without the troubling thoughts or feelings, until I need to deal with them, again!

Opposite Action - the Suck it and See DBT Skill

I've gone against the grain today. I don't often feel the urge or need to spontaneously embark upon household chores. However, today I was feeling low - have been struggling a lot for the past couple of weeks.

Of course, when things are going well I don't pay attention to all of the DBT skills. I become complacent, lazy even, and revert to a few well worn skills which risk me not challenging or changing my difficult emotions at all. We are, after all, creatures of habit. When the foundational maintenance skills of the Mindfulness and Emotion Regulation modules, have not succeeded in preventing me from swinging down or up, I need to bring out the 'big guns' of Distress Tolerance and Emotion Change.

Often I don't really fancy the idea of Opposite Action, for two reasons. One is that the painful emotion is what I have become accustomed to and so I fail to recognise that I don't need, or deserve, to feel this way. The second reason is that it requires action and effort. When I am battling difficult emotions I am often weary. What I fail to remember every time I feel like this is that when I do 'give it a go', by moving and changing my posture and intention, I actually give myself a break from the draining emotions. I know that I have been told that opposite action to how I'm feeling will result in me no longer feeling as bad as when I embarked on doing the opposite action. That's why I now call it the 'suck it and see' skill.

If I'm not getting anywhere by allowing the emotion to dictate how I am behaving, then maybe doing the opposite to what I feel like doing, is worth trying.

This is how I have found myself discovering the delight of bright sparkling windows in my south facing kitchen just as the sun breaks through some threatening clouds. Having achieved this small triumph, I continued to produce sparkling dishes, enjoying the feeling of cleared worktops for the first time in a number of days. This is a reminder that when I was at my lowest my house resembled the aftermath of a house ransacking, not unlike how the ravages of my emotions had left me internally. It is this reality which means for me that Opposite Action is particularly effective. If my environment can reflect my inner turmoil, working to improve it can help me to overcome the same turmoil.

This leads me on to another aspect of Opposite Action which reveals a vital element of DBT Mindfulness; Willingness. In the past, I have struggled to understand this beyond feeling when I was challenged about it during treatment, that it meant I was being 'contrary' or 'difficult'. I have since learned that it is much deeper than that. When I decide to engage with people and life around me, then I willingly engage myself in life itself. If I shut myself away because of fear, anxiety, anger, mistrust or whatever feeling is driving me at the time, then I am saying that I am not willing to engage with the world around me. This means that I fail to enjoy the positives of life, because I fail to engage with them, for fear that in engaging with the positives, I will have to face the painful and difficult.

Today I was in danger of allowing my low mood to prevent me from engaging positively with my life as it is, rather than how I wish it could be. In deciding that I had nothing to lose in trying to do some small chores, I managed to overcome my low mood, for a time. I also have learned that my moods do not need to dictate the direction of my days. If I can overcome a mood for a minute, then I can learn to overcome it for an hour, a day, perhaps, a week and eventually I hope I will find that my moods no longer control me, but I control my moods.

An Image for Emotion Regulation and Mindful Breathing

Here is another picture that I use when dealing with difficult emotions like anger, or anxiety.

I use the picture to focus while bringing my breathing under control. I imagine myself in a small boat on the river. I allow it to carry me forward carried along on the river, as I lie in the bottom of the boat watching the sky above with its clouds and beautiful sunset. As I am carried forward on the water I change my focus from my breathing in and out to notice negative thoughts and feelings as they arise, I then change my focus to the clouds floating by above, returning to focus on my breath until it has slowed and become regular. As I notice the thoughts and feelings, I notice as they float up from the boat to the clouds above. I give them the form of words, often with characteristic size, shape and colour, so Anger cna be spiky, red, and large when I first notice it. I then watch the negative feelings grow smaller as they drift upwards away from me towards the clouds until they dissolve completely. As each thought or feeling arises and floats away I watch, then return my focus to my breathing, until I feel completely calm.

It works for me because it helps me to balance control of my breaths along with identifying and controlling the emotions as they arise. Managing to identify and manage the emotion until it grows less intense takes time and practice. Concentrating on slowing down your breathing is a good first step.