Joy and the Emotionally Sensitive Person

'Sassy', I think this is one of my favourite words, and attitudes! There have been a large number of words used to describe me down the years: 'moody', 'drama queen', 'over sensitive', 'touchy', I could go on. However, the 'Sass' in me is fed up of the negative vocabulary attached to my diagnosis, that in itself seems confused. On my medical records the labels have changed from 'borderline', to 'emotionally unstable', to 'emotionally sensitive'. None really adequately conveys the reality of living in the emotionally sensitive skin.

As I progress in my recovery, I am beginning to find more positive words to describe my experience of life. When I see the worst in the world, the pain can almost certainly cause distress and unbearable pain. The flip side is that when I allow myself to focus on the good things in life, pleasant feelings are amplified into joy. I can really enjoy the small pleasures of life. Just as the pain and distress of life can be experienced by me to its depths, I am able to enjoy good feelings in wonderful technicolour. This is the freedom of owning my emotions and embracing the times of enjoyment, sometimes to the embarrassment of my companions. Dancing down the steps of the cinema, then taking a bow, following two hours of really enjoying a musical, is me allowing myself to express real joy, as much as I have let the reins go on my more destructive emotions. The difference is a little public expression of happy feelings is not destructive, in fact, perhaps my expression of strongly felt emotion was an echo of fellow cinema goers' enjoyment of the same film. The spontaneous applause from them as I skipped to the bottom step and turned round, was a moment of real shared joy, in a pretty unpleasant national and international setting.

I am good company, because I can take the smallest glimmer of enjoyment and amplify it (when I allow myself not to fear the strength of my positive emotions). Balance is important so that light feelings don't spiral out of control - but for too long the negatives of emotional sensitivity have led to me keeping my strengths in check.

I love the poem 'When I am Old I shall wear purple', except, now I'm 50 I'm not willing to wait until I'm old to embrace the best of my life experiences. Part of that is because I have allowed others to define what responses to my life are 'acceptable' for too long. The words I apply to me need to become: colourful, fun, strong, empathetic, sensitive to others, creative, optimistic - yes, really! I've realised recently simply because of my ability to come back from knockdowns and how I see what is possible, that I am an optimist. I believe in enjoying small pleasures just like a toddler - not out of control - but absolutely one hundred per cent, totally involving myself, body, mind and soul in enjoying the moment. Not childish, but childlike. It's no accident that the feel good clips most enjoyed on YouTube tend to focus on young children, kittens and puppies.

I'm currently watching the Winter Olympics and once again Elise Christie (GB Short Track Skater) has experienced unbelievable setbacks. One thing that a friend of hers said about her emotional responses struck me; she is able to embrace the pain and the feelings of despair so strongly, but unlike others, who can't do that, having faced the worst she can feel, she very quickly comes right back up again, ready to fight. Sometimes the emotional impact of the worst in life floors us for longer than we want. The fact that so many emotionally sensitive people face the worst thoughts and feelings about themselves and life, yet keep going, shows me there is always a seed of hope within. Building up the experiences of our most joyful moments, so they become a buffer against the bleaker times of life, helps us to be even more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

A Bad Case of the 'Yes, Buts'

'Yes' was described by James Joyce as being the most positive word in the English language. It is. Unfortunately, as with many elements in my life with BPD I often counteract the positive attitude inherent in the word by adding a massive and unnecessary 'But'. Recently, I've had a bad case of the 'yes buts'. I have been enjoying the stability of recovery, but have been in danger of trying to run ahead of my own progress by trying to short circuit the waiting and consolidation period. When I am reminded of the skills which have enabled me to continue to manage my condition on a day to day basis, or of my progress towards a more positive future, my automatic response is 'yes, but'...

'Yes, but... here I go again. I have done so well, BUT I keep struggling with depression...just proves I'm a failure

'Yes, but... I am weary of having to keep 'managing' my symptoms...just proves I'm too weak...

'Yes, but... I deserve to keep suffering...and getting on with life, feels wrong somehow...

Running a group has reminded me that I am not alone in the 'yes, buts...' When everything inside you tells you that you will fail, positive steps forward sound, difficult, foreign, too hard to achieve. It takes perseverance and determination to listen to the 'yes' without tempering it with the 'but'.

Two aspects of DBT are needed here and I have found it all too easy to forget them. The first is 'participation'. This is part of core mindfulness and says that I will participate fully in what is happening in this moment. If I am going to self soothe, then I will do so with gusto, if I am going to use opposite action and dance or sing, I will do so with gusto. There are times when I don't have the energy to even consider using any skills, that is when I need to say 'yes' to the effort of engaging and participating in one moment at a time. If I can say yes for a split second, then I can say yes for a whole second, if I can say yes for a second, I can string them together to make a minute. This brings me to the idea of willingness. Having decided to choose to live, then I am by my actions saying 'yes' to engaging with the people and the world around me.

It is all too easy to allow the 'But' to swallow the 'Yes' and prevent myself from overcoming my difficulties and suffering. 'Yes' is a springboard to a meaningful life - 'but' keeps me weighed down in the mud of the past.

When I first started DBT therapy I spent a lot of time learning to 'uncurl' physically. I was curled in on myself physically as well as emotionally. This was my way of saying 'No' to the whole of life and experience around me. 'No' kept me safe, but also cut me off from life. I was neither willing nor able to participate in anything let alone the positive in life. It was an important battle to fight - one memorable one to one session,my therapist spent the whole 50 minutes trying to get me to lift my head. I eventually managed it towards the end of that session for a short time. Eventually, after a lot more battles and many months of practising the acceptance and mindfulness skills, I was able to sit tall and look people in the eye. There are still moments when I curl in on myself - that's ok, there are still moments when I need to protect myself, as long as it doesn't become my default again.

In that moment when I lifted my head I started to say 'Yes'. 'Yes' is being open. 'Yes' says I have hope that I can recover. 'Yes' says I am ready to enjoy my life, without those things which rob me of recognising the positive in me and my relationships. 'Yes, but' is a step along the road from 'No', dropping the 'but' takes me even further along the road to recovery:

'Yes, I want to enjoy this moment'.

'Yes, I can...'

'Yes, I am worth working through the 'buts'

'Yes, I am worth putting the effort in to my recovery and building my life from this moment on...'

Self Soothe Image...

I find it comforting to be among nature that feels so gigantic compared to me. I've always loved standing on the shore with wild, windswept waves lashing the sand. I enjoy the sense of dizziness from being surrounded by the sheer enormity of large mountains as I pass through and I have learned to love the solidity of trees - none more amazing than Redwoods - so reassuring to walk among living things that have been there thousands of years - and when I can't be there in person I love using great photos to imagine myself right in the middle of these wonderful forests....

My DBT Opposite To Emotion Playlist - Happy Songs!

Time to practice suspending judgement and imagining the impact of the music itself on mood (Very Mindfully). Don't allow feelings from the past attach to the music - it is after all, essentially neutral outside of attachment to memories - I think...anyway it's amazing how much cheese can lift my spirits...what music lifts yours?

1. ABBA - anything really but especially Dancing Queen, When I kissed the Teacher and Ring Ring

2. My Happy Happy Heart - Andy Williams

3. Dance Yourself Dizzy - Liquid Gold

4. I Love to Love (but my Baby just loves to dance) - Tina Charles

5. Happiness - Ken Dodd.

6. You've Got a Friend - Carole King/James Taylor

7. In These Shoes? - Kirsty McColl

8. My Life - Billy Joel

9. Hotter Than July (Whole Album) - Stevie Wonder

10. L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N - Noah and the Whale

Instructions: turn up ipod/radio/dock to max, just listen, enjoy particular phrasings, instruments, lyrics that lift you up. Forget about what anyone thinks who may see you and...... DANCE....until you feel different to when you started. I particularly endorse, very bad, embarrassing mature woman dancing (aka Dad dancing if you're male)to help you really live in the moment! Good practice for participation and non-judgement skills...