Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #13

I've grown into my bum. I've always had one, if you know what I mean - when I was seventeen, I had a perfect hour glass figure (38, 28,38) but kept telling myself that I was fat. Looking back I really couldn't have been, I mean, I was training for four hours a day six days a week. What I was, was curvaceous. But you can't tell a teenager anything can you?

Now I know I'm middle aged because all the sand has settled in the bottom of the hourglass! The difference is that I'm ok with that, it's my bum and I've had fun growing it. It's the sign of a good half life well lived. No longer do I care if my 'bum looks big in this'. If it does? Get a size bigger - oh and under no circumstances wear: leggings, jeggings, hotpants, cut-off shorts with tights, etc etc I am embracing my middle age with gusto and soon I will be moving into twin set and pearls, and sturdy, sensible shoes and plaid skirt - classic and timeless. Need to work on my old lady beard too...

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #11

I can remember, when crisps cost 3p (per packet).

When Starburst were called Opal Fruits, Snickers were called Marathon bars, Cif was called Jif (Why the change guys??).

I remember when a Creme Egg was as big as my head and Curly Wurlys' were a foot long....

and I tell the younger generation in my family about all of this and more 'from the olden days' no matter how glazed an expression they're wearing.

Tell Tale signs I'm Middle Aged #10

My 'top totty list' has aged with me. Suddenly, I find men in their fifties attractive.... yuck (says my sixteen year old self) oh yeah? Brad Pitt is nearly fifty, if he isn't there already... Jonny Depp... Mark Foster...(former Olympic Swimmer)...It's time for me to face it, I am ageing along with my favourite 'eye candy'. And suddenly, 'silver foxes' and 'lived in faces' pull on my heart strings.

Today's top totty, just doesn't do it for me... I mean, Beiber, Harry Styles, R-Pat - they are just children aren't they? No older than my nephews - nope I am embracing my attraction to the more mature man - I realise too that I am willing to accept 'cuddly' and home loving and settled in the men that appeal to me in real life. A bit like my current need for comfy slippers and pyjamas rather than silk and mules for my nightwear!

Yep, I know I'm middle aged, because my fantasy men have become like a pair of old slippers: a bit crumpled, familiar, yet still with a 'soupcon' of the original appeal.

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #8

My arms need to be fully extended to read menus when I've forgotten my glasses...anyone designing super extendable arms anytime soon?

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #7

When looking at the depth of my 'laugh lines' I realise nothing's THAT funny!

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #6

Gravity is winning.... Everything has gone/is Going South...and there seems to be more of it to gravitate southwards....

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #5

My Perfect Friday Night used to start at 11 p.m. with the rest of the weekend from Saturday afternoons onward for 'recovery'. Sometimes I remember keeping going until my eventual collapse on a Sunday night - ready for the week then... bright eyed and bushy tailed (Not).

Now Fridays involve a 'nice bottle of red/white/rose' whilst watching 'worthy', subtitled, Scandinavian detective series. I don't like lie ins as my body clock can't cope with significant changes - so I 'try' to do 'interesting' things like gardening, cooking (Nigella, Hairy Bikers, Recipes - will discuss Heston's recipes but not really for trying at home) and regardless of weather, visiting 'interesting and historical' places. And of course Sat Evenings are for eating results of cooking and watching family 'favourites' such as Strictly..., Celebrity Pointless and anything like 'Merlin' or Dr Who.... Sunday evenings are for 'lovely' escapist dramas like 'Downton' and another 'nice bottle'...

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #4

My car insurance premium is NOT equivalent to the cost of a moderately priced secondhand car!

Remember the scene from Fried Green Tomatoes.....???

[Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot]
Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!
[Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times]
Girl #1: What are you *doing*?
Girl #2: Are you *crazy*?
Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.

Tell Tale signs I'm Middle Aged #2

In my 'stocking' I have received creams, soaps and other 'smellies' which include 'Oil of Evening Primrose' and 'Lavender' in their contents!

Tell Tale Signs that I'm Middle Aged #1

I used to throw them to one side - the growing pile of junk mail used to irritate me until the morning when I could self righteously place my enormous mountain of unwanted paper into the recycling.

Then, somewhere between 35 and today I discovered the unknown joy of seeing my 'innovations', kleeneze and other brochures plop through the letterbox: promising a life of ease and warmth!

Now instead of a customary Tut they are greeted with a frisson of anticipation as I put them to one side to 'read later with a nice cup of coffee'!

Who wouldn't melt with desire over the electric foot warming boot (in brown) or the Blanket with arms to snuggle up and watch Downton in of a winter's night. Here I have a found a world of many, many things I never realised I can't live without..the famous 'must haves' of this season (or should that be middle age?)... And now for the next stage in life - old age, when I buy these for myself. At present my mother is a past master at sending these items randomly to each of her, (admittedly) middle aged children - and so I bow to the inevitable march of time and acknowledge I am, indeed middle aged and I do secretly enjoy snuggling in my enveloping tent with my TV Remote tidy securely fastened to the arm of my chair!