Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #7

When looking at the depth of my 'laugh lines' I realise nothing's THAT funny!

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #6

Gravity is winning.... Everything has gone/is Going South...and there seems to be more of it to gravitate southwards....

My DBT Self Soothe Playlist

Here's my list of songs currently on my ipod for when my 'savage breast' (or should that be 'beast') needs soothing! Music helps me avoid food as a self soothe!

1. Moon River - Andy Williams

2. Sarah McLachlan - pretty much anything

3. No Frontiers - The Corrs

4. High Flying Adored - Evita

5. Adagio for Strings - Barber

6. Bach (Unaccompanied Cello Suite No 1 - Prelude) - Yo Yo Ma

7. For the Beauty of the Earth - John Rutter (The Cambridge Singers)

8. Nimrod - Elgar

9. Sunshine on Leith - The Proclaimers

10. Daydream in Blue - I Monster

Some of these tracks were anchored in the pain of the past, but when I choose to listen mindfully, I find I am able to hear the soothing aspect of the music itself, not what I have learned to attach to them. Sometimes I listen mindfully so that it is:

1) The one thing I am doing at that moment
2) I focus on just noticing and describing what I hear
3) I don't judge myself for any difficult feelings that may arise
4) I let go of any distracting thoughts or feelings about the past or future and Listen!

Can Success replace Parental Validation?

I was six when I won my first competitive swimming medals. Two golds and one silver. Although very young, this event had a profound impact on my life. What it did for me was let me know that here was a world in which I could be noticed - not only that but it dawned on me that I might be considered valuable, certainly by the coaches and club which 'head-hunted' me, along with my brother, after this auspicious start in schools swimming. So began a determination to work hard at being the best - always in the hopes of my parents noticing - however, unusually for parents of competitive swimmers, they rarely attended our appearances at galas and Championships. We were always the kids who were picked up from training etc by the waiting car.

By the time I had left home aged 18, leaving behind my parents and their casual indifference to any part of me as a person, the only validation I registered was from over-achieving. Ironically, I was so numb to encouragement and praise that I have always considered myself to be a failure - despite being a county level swimmer, despite completing three successful degree courses in my life, despite holding down very responsible jobs for over 25 years.

I didn't notice that my periods of 'instability' had a regular pattern to them, or that there was a link between the emptiness I felt inside and the childhood traumas I had survived. (It has taken three years of hard work and therapy to accept that much of my childhood was indeed traumatic). It was only at the age of 42, when an amazingly compassionate GP (now, alas retired) persevered with a sustained period of emotional instability and considerable time off work, that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. For the first time people started to make sense of what I thought of as my worst faults: 'och, she's highly strung', or 'she's just oversensitive'. Not to mention my white hot temper and inability to live with myself, let alone, anyone else!

I found giving up work almost impossible because that was where I was most comfortable, where I felt confident, where I had a professional persona which had defined boundaries and rules for dealing with people. I didn't have to divine people's motives about me personally. Although emotionally demanding, my caseload allowed me to ignore my own problems and focus on helping others manage theirs. Problem was that I had shut myself off from all relationships outside work - not that I had no friends, it was just that I had learned it was easier to skate along on the surface of relationships.

In the end, though, I had to acknowledge that I had run out of 'emotional steam' and stopped 'functioning' as my GP so nicely put it. Now, just over a year since I gave up paid employment to focus on attending DBT therapy and recovering, I've realised that feeling successful was the only means of validation I had built into my life. And that obviously didn't work.

Now I'm facing a major shift in my attitude regarding what it means to lead a successful life. Do I return to similar demanding roles as the past? Or do I acknowledge that even Christmas was too much for me to handle, let alone contemplate returning full time? For me it has been a struggle to accept that even without a defined, paid, role I am worth something. If the message from your parents was that you didn't matter, then no amount of achievement (as defined by external values) can help fill the emptiness inside.

What has helped me is to accept that there is a purpose to my life, as it is, regardless of certificates, salary scales or other measures. My belief in God is a starting point - I am taught that He loves me as I am. As with my basic practise of Mindfulness, focusing on truths about myself takes so much time and practice. I am only at the beginning, but I know that reversing the lack of validation in my childhood requires that I dedicate myself to focusing on and accepting myself. Not that I'm advocating self obsessed introspection - no I mean focus on what is enjoyable right now, including what I am able to contribute towards helping others. When I can feel that I have a purpose and root in this world, then I can accept my experience of each moment.

Success for me now is not about replacing something that can never be replaced or changed, because that is in the past, but it has become the ability to knit my experiences from the past into my life as it is now, accepting the strengths and gifts it has given me that have brought me to this moment. In this moment I can accept that success is still being here after everything I have been through, beginning to be able to love and be loved by others. In this context, I don't need to seek a successful career - I just need to be content with my life as it is - right now! That I think is the essence of Radical Acceptance.

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #5

My Perfect Friday Night used to start at 11 p.m. with the rest of the weekend from Saturday afternoons onward for 'recovery'. Sometimes I remember keeping going until my eventual collapse on a Sunday night - ready for the week then... bright eyed and bushy tailed (Not).

Now Fridays involve a 'nice bottle of red/white/rose' whilst watching 'worthy', subtitled, Scandinavian detective series. I don't like lie ins as my body clock can't cope with significant changes - so I 'try' to do 'interesting' things like gardening, cooking (Nigella, Hairy Bikers, Recipes - will discuss Heston's recipes but not really for trying at home) and regardless of weather, visiting 'interesting and historical' places. And of course Sat Evenings are for eating results of cooking and watching family 'favourites' such as Strictly..., Celebrity Pointless and anything like 'Merlin' or Dr Who.... Sunday evenings are for 'lovely' escapist dramas like 'Downton' and another 'nice bottle'...

Tell Tale Signs I'm Middle Aged #4

My car insurance premium is NOT equivalent to the cost of a moderately priced secondhand car!

Remember the scene from Fried Green Tomatoes.....???

[Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot]
Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!
[Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times]
Girl #1: What are you *doing*?
Girl #2: Are you *crazy*?
Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.

My DBT Opposite To Emotion Playlist - Happy Songs!

Time to practice suspending judgement and imagining the impact of the music itself on mood (Very Mindfully). Don't allow feelings from the past attach to the music - it is after all, essentially neutral outside of attachment to memories - I think...anyway it's amazing how much cheese can lift my spirits...what music lifts yours?

1. ABBA - anything really but especially Dancing Queen, When I kissed the Teacher and Ring Ring

2. My Happy Happy Heart - Andy Williams

3. Dance Yourself Dizzy - Liquid Gold

4. I Love to Love (but my Baby just loves to dance) - Tina Charles

5. Happiness - Ken Dodd.

6. You've Got a Friend - Carole King/James Taylor

7. In These Shoes? - Kirsty McColl

8. My Life - Billy Joel

9. Hotter Than July (Whole Album) - Stevie Wonder

10. L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N - Noah and the Whale

Instructions: turn up ipod/radio/dock to max, just listen, enjoy particular phrasings, instruments, lyrics that lift you up. Forget about what anyone thinks who may see you and...... DANCE....until you feel different to when you started. I particularly endorse, very bad, embarrassing mature woman dancing (aka Dad dancing if you're male)to help you really live in the moment! Good practice for participation and non-judgement skills...