Count on It

I work in words and pictures - it's the most familiar way for me to explain the world around me. There are times though, when the cacophony of thoughts running constantly through my head, as well as the exhaustion brought on by battling the storms of thoughts and feelings, means that I cannot find words or pictures to articulate anything. That's when I need to stop trying to make sense or find words, for my feelings. There are times when I need to stop the internal 'noise' and rest my mind and emotions.

One skill I often neglect is the use of the abstract: shapes, numbers don't need any explanation and they are so emotionally neutral that regardless of the feelings I am experiencing, they cannot make it worse. I used counting and numbers in the early days of my recovery, when my mind was too tired for words and emotions were maintaining the exhaustion because I was not in control of the thoughts fuelling them. I have mentioned mindful breathing as a skill before, when I am most in need of a break from my thoughts if I couple this with counting then I can control the flow of thoughts. Here are some ideas that I've used.

1) I Simply count my breaths. It is probably the easiest way to notice my breathing and how quick or slow it is. It also means that I can either keep going as long as I want up to any number or I can simply repeat '1', '2' instead of 'in', 'out'. By counting I don't have to fight the thoughts as much because I am focused on saying the number.

2) I Count while walking. Either, again the '1', '2' instead of 'left', 'right' or make groups of numbers eg count twenty paces, then start again. This has the benefit as well, when starting to move more, of taking the focus from how far I'm walking to focus on the rhythm of walking itself.

3) Starting at 100 deduct 7 until I reach zero. The mental arithmetic is a quick way to take me away from any battles with thoughts as I need to put my mental energy into visualising the sums in my head.

4) Sudoku. I was unable to concentrate long enough to read, but the simplicity of the Sudoku puzzles allowed me to focus my mind on a restful activity, which also meant that I could build up my ability to concentrate in short bursts.

Counting allows me to make progress in small measurable steps. It is another way to press 'pause' on the flow of emotions and thoughts. In a sense succeeding at the puzzle don't matter as much as the process of focusing on the numbers themselves. Give it a go, the next time you are caught in the feeling/thought cycle. There's a reason people say to count to ten when you're angry!

Unlike Burping, Thinking is NOT always 'better out than in'!

You know the moment, that one when the belcher states with satisfaction to the belchee 'oooh, that was better out than in!' Etiquette aside, I think we can all agree there are few things that are more irksome than trapped wind. Enough said. What about 'trapped thinking'? Impulse control has always been an issue for me, particularly when I have been emotionally overwhelmed.

In the past I had a reputation for lobbing conversational 'grenades' into social gatherings. It has been damaging to me and damaging to those on the receiving end. Much of this has centred on two things that I have always struggled with. 1) My inability to read social situations appropriately and 2) My need to find a way of managing the crescendos of difficult emotions. I've come to think of these moments as my BPD having a verbal 'burp'. As with other impulsive behaviour associated with BPD such behaviour was ultimately self defeating and actively prevented me from building sustainable relationships. I mean if your opening gambit is 'Hi my name's Alma, I was abused as a child, how are you?' it's hardly surprising that most friendships ended before they began, with potential good friends stuttering away from me as they headed to the hills.

Such impulses I see as the 'burps' that have arisen from my emotional turmoil inside. Along with my expectation that others should be able to read my mind and that I, in turn, could tell what other people were thinking about me, such outbursts were a way of de-cluttering the mess of thoughts that were running around in my head. I have had to learn to filter myself a lot more, I'm still tactless at times and often say what everyone else is thinking, because I don't always follow the rules of social restrictions, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

The skills that have helped me to do this start with mindfulness. If I take a moment to breathe before I speak, especially when meeting new people, then that allows me time to notice what I am thinking, before I 'burp' it to the outside world, unfiltered.

Other methods I use, especially when I notice difficult memories and thoughts is to use thought diffusion exercises - such as turning the thoughts into leaves or clouds and watching them pass me by without having to articulate or cling onto them. In times when I have needed clear space to do this, I have made my excuses and retreated, literally from the room. Ultimately, if I can remember to ask myself, 'would this thought help me or the others around me if it was on my lips instead of in my mind?' this can act as a useful net to catch any damaging thoughts before they cause any harm. In Northern Ireland there is a saying 'catch yerself on' which basically means, 'would you have some sense, please?' This needs to be a reminder to myself to keep thoughts that are best kept in - in, until I can deal with them appropriately.

A helpful way of bringing this process out of my mind is to draw or create a head with a large circle for the mind and a large mouth. If I can write down examples of thoughts on pieces of paper and place them in either the mind or the mouth, as appropriate, I can teach myself to recognise which thoughts are 'better in than out'. This picture is one example of how someone has used this method to practice filtering their thoughts.

Keeping it in the Here and Now

In this blog I've written about the 'time travel' problems caused by dwelling in the past or trying to guess the future.

Core Mindfulness skills are a set of skills designed to bring my thoughts and feelings into the here and now, in order to free me from the pain and distress of the past, and the anxieties and fears for the future. This challenge for the emotionally sensitive person is similar to that of 'mind reading'. I constantly make assumptions about what other people are thinking about me, mostly because I am mixing them up with people who hurt me in the past.

When I am feeling vulnerable I am at risk of slipping back into the past and reliving its hurts or of shifting myself into the future in anticipation of those hurts and injuries being repeated. Any thoughtful examination of our existence in terms of time and space tells me that the only time and space I am capable of occupying is the space around me right now and the present moment, as I am aware of it. When I dwell in the past or future in my thoughts, then I allow the present to slip past me unheeded and unlived. So, I need to use all of my senses to remind me of the good things in the here and now and, slowly, as I heal to begin to enjoy them for what they are.

This picture captures the essence of life in the moment. It was shared on Pinterest by Healing for BPD and I have found it helpful in reminding me to use my mindfulness exercises when memories from the past or fears about the future flood into my mind.