We were walking uphill. I had known that the walk involved going up. I can see the woods at the top of the walk from my house. However, a sudden emotional storm engulfed me and I started sobbing and becoming angry towards my dog, who was running UP. With me attached to her lead. Looking back I'm laughing, in fact, my snapped responses to my friend who was with me, you know, 'I'm fine.', 'what's wrong with me', 'stupid dog', just as suddenly as my anger had arrived prompted sudden laughter. 'No wonder you're struggling, you swam half a mile this morning!' Common sense. Check the facts. Don't rely on how I'm feeling. Fluctuating moods is how it is described. Hardly surprising then that when I am physically tired and continue to push myself, my emotional control goes out the window. Fluctuating moods is basically 'what's wrong with me'!
About five years ago, such a process of understanding the waves washing over me would not have been possible. Understanding my condition does not stop my emotional reactions. What it allows me to do is to take a step back, pause long enough to stop the feelings overwhelming my ability to see the world around me with some degree of balance.
My recent travails with the system of 'reformed' benefits and the consequent relapse has given me reason to reflect on the state of 'recovery' and the nature of resilience.
By reaching the age of fifty despite the emotional and other storms of my life, I have shown resilience. I have bounced back from setbacks, again and again. That's resilience, right? I think it is, but I am also learning that rather than just waiting for my 'bounce back' to kick in when I am in crisis, there are everyday routines and activities which feed by resilience. This, I think is the main occupation of the person in recovery, to feed and nurture the parts of me which keep me involved in living.
Part of this task is recognising the restrictions, boundaries and limits that my condition places on me. For example, if I want to do a full time job odds are it needs to be emotionally neutral, have limited contact with people and probably be very non challenging. However, I also need to recognise that as someone with skills and experience in certain areas I still need to be challenged in my day to day occupations. So the compromise I make, in order to make my commitments sustainable, is to limit the hours I work/volunteer so that I have recovery and nurture time. As someone who worked full time in challenging careers since I left university, admitting that this was a need to maintain my recovery and prevent relapse has been a struggle.
I have had to accept that if I am to break the patterns of over-commitment, exhaustion and breakdown, I need to focus on what I can realistically sustain while managing the fluctuations in my moods.
Here are some ways I am trying to maintain my recovery and build up my resilience:
1) Set realistic limits and be honest with myself and others about what those limits are. I am mostly involved in running a community well being group and that has been my focus for the past couple of years. In addition for short periods of time I help deliver a six week course which links in with my involvement with the other group. I was asked if I wanted to help with a group aimed at helping older people. In terms of time that came to 6 hours a week. Surely manageable for someone who has worked full time most of their life? What I need to remember is that when I did work full time I had constant meltdowns, high levels of emotional instability resulting in emotional exhaustion and necessitating me leaving job after job, usually in five year cycles. I am more than capable, but my emotional and mental resilience needs constant monitoring and maintenance and I was never able to sustain that when 40 hours of my week were taken up with work alongside volunteering in the evenings and at weekends. This week I found out how my limits have changed. In addition to the four hours involved in the group and course I had two separate meetings on two consecutive days, meaning my routines were interrupted four days in the five day week. By Thursday, my busiest day, I had become tired and confused about meeting times, something I usually never am. As a consequence I recognise that I need spaces in my week to give me a breather from giving out. So my pattern will become, Monday morning small group meeting, Tuesday focus on my own health, Wednesday writing and work at home, Thursday morning, course, Thursday evening, group, and Friday time and space. The time and space needs to include time with friends and family who are nurturing. Against my instinct that I will be letting people down I have had to pull out from my involvement with the older group.
2) I am recognising that my needs are important too. We all know the feeling of pressure and obligation that comes when we have taken on too much. When there is so much need and there seems to be so few community resources, as a compassionate person it feels like a personal failure if I am unable to meet all those needs. Except, no one asked me to. I am reminded of the words of a co-worker in a charity when I was visiting the Sudan and witnessed firsthand the extreme suffering and need of refugees, 'You can't change the world, but you could change the world of one person, just by witnessing and reporting what you see.' It was easy to connect with the suffering and allow myself to be overwhelmed by it, but again, no one asked me to. Just because I see the need does not mean that I have to be the person to meet it, indeed I may not be the best person to meet that particular need. When I am focused in helping out and when I make space for my own needs, then I am better able and equipped to give out, without burning out and consequently resenting those I am trying to help. I have recognised this in others, particular mothers of young children who feel guilty because somehow their children have become burdensome....one question, when did you last have space to yourself, to just relax and enjoy a moment or two of pampering? We are very bad at prioritising time to recharge.
3) Physical fitness has a direct impact on my ability to manage my emotional health. This is different from saying, when you feel low, go out and have a walk, or just do something. This is about preparing much as an athlete prepares for competition. The years before the Olympic finals are vital long before the need to perform at the top of their ability. I now work as hard at maintaining my weight, balancing my food and maintaining my sleep patterns. When in the early stages of recovery from emotional exhaustion I needed all my energy to practice my emotional and distress management skills. As my emotional health recovered was the time to think ahead, admit that there will continue to challenges which will sap my emotional strength and admit that to give myself the best chance to manage these life events well, I also need my body to be functioning as well as possible. Sounds mechanical but we often forget that we are one fully integrated unit, so when I have a cold I feel lousy. In the same way I give myself the best chance of coping with mental and emotional illness if I am not also fighting my own body. As with everything balance is important - I need to watch that I don't over do the exercise or become obsessed with eating and food.
4) Above all I need to be aware and notice what is happening to my thinking and my physical wellness. The easiest route to fixing a problem is to notice it early. Most of my life the strategies and skills I was using to 'get through' did not help me towards a meaningful and fulfilling life. It is better for me to practice skills which help me monitor how things are emotionally and physically so that I can take the appropriate action and end up in a spiral downwards in my health. There are some early signs... routines with the dog and cleaning the house, losing track of appointments and time, becoming obsessed with online games. I can do something about what is happening at this point if I notice in time and do something about it, including talking to my GP or to trusted friends and getting help in working out what has triggered issues.
Resilience and maintaining recovery require daily and even moment by moment awareness of what is going on around me and within me. This is not about being self absorbed but is about recognising that one of the ways I maintain my wellness is to be aware of events and their emotional and physical impact on me and my condition.
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