Joy and the Emotionally Sensitive Person

'Sassy', I think this is one of my favourite words, and attitudes! There have been a large number of words used to describe me down the years: 'moody', 'drama queen', 'over sensitive', 'touchy', I could go on. However, the 'Sass' in me is fed up of the negative vocabulary attached to my diagnosis, that in itself seems confused. On my medical records the labels have changed from 'borderline', to 'emotionally unstable', to 'emotionally sensitive'. None really adequately conveys the reality of living in the emotionally sensitive skin.

As I progress in my recovery, I am beginning to find more positive words to describe my experience of life. When I see the worst in the world, the pain can almost certainly cause distress and unbearable pain. The flip side is that when I allow myself to focus on the good things in life, pleasant feelings are amplified into joy. I can really enjoy the small pleasures of life. Just as the pain and distress of life can be experienced by me to its depths, I am able to enjoy good feelings in wonderful technicolour. This is the freedom of owning my emotions and embracing the times of enjoyment, sometimes to the embarrassment of my companions. Dancing down the steps of the cinema, then taking a bow, following two hours of really enjoying a musical, is me allowing myself to express real joy, as much as I have let the reins go on my more destructive emotions. The difference is a little public expression of happy feelings is not destructive, in fact, perhaps my expression of strongly felt emotion was an echo of fellow cinema goers' enjoyment of the same film. The spontaneous applause from them as I skipped to the bottom step and turned round, was a moment of real shared joy, in a pretty unpleasant national and international setting.

I am good company, because I can take the smallest glimmer of enjoyment and amplify it (when I allow myself not to fear the strength of my positive emotions). Balance is important so that light feelings don't spiral out of control - but for too long the negatives of emotional sensitivity have led to me keeping my strengths in check.

I love the poem 'When I am Old I shall wear purple', except, now I'm 50 I'm not willing to wait until I'm old to embrace the best of my life experiences. Part of that is because I have allowed others to define what responses to my life are 'acceptable' for too long. The words I apply to me need to become: colourful, fun, strong, empathetic, sensitive to others, creative, optimistic - yes, really! I've realised recently simply because of my ability to come back from knockdowns and how I see what is possible, that I am an optimist. I believe in enjoying small pleasures just like a toddler - not out of control - but absolutely one hundred per cent, totally involving myself, body, mind and soul in enjoying the moment. Not childish, but childlike. It's no accident that the feel good clips most enjoyed on YouTube tend to focus on young children, kittens and puppies.

I'm currently watching the Winter Olympics and once again Elise Christie (GB Short Track Skater) has experienced unbelievable setbacks. One thing that a friend of hers said about her emotional responses struck me; she is able to embrace the pain and the feelings of despair so strongly, but unlike others, who can't do that, having faced the worst she can feel, she very quickly comes right back up again, ready to fight. Sometimes the emotional impact of the worst in life floors us for longer than we want. The fact that so many emotionally sensitive people face the worst thoughts and feelings about themselves and life, yet keep going, shows me there is always a seed of hope within. Building up the experiences of our most joyful moments, so they become a buffer against the bleaker times of life, helps us to be even more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

Groundhogs and Finding the Words

Groundhog Day is a bizarre American public holiday based around the behaviour of a brown, furry rodent, upon which the nation apparently bases its expectation for how much longer winter will last. Until the release of the film 'Groundhog Day', so far, so obscure. Now, we use the phrase to mean recurring events or conversations. Over the past two weeks, I've had that sense of 'Groundhog Day' as I have had conversation after conversation on the same lines. 'My husband/partner/brother/sister/friend/carer keep asking me how they can help me, they keep asking, how they can 'fix' me.'

It's a familiar conundrum, we wish we felt loved, but need to know that with love comes a desire to do 'something' to take the pain and hurt from us. For us, the issue is to prevent pushing the love away with the offer rescue. So often, the conversations continue, 'I wish (he/she) knew that all I want is a hug and reassurance.' So often, it seems that even to find a way to say something this simple is so hard.

I'm no expert, but I have gleaned some wisdom from those who have managed to voice their thoughts to their loved ones and found a way forward together.

1. If You Can't Say it, Try Writing It. Write a letter to your loved one and pin it to the family memo board, or to the fridge, or on the loo door; somewhere they can't miss it.

2. Relieve Them of The Duty to Be Your Saviour. I've stated before that it is an impossibility for one person to provide all of our emotional needs. Those closest to us need to know that we don't expect them to rescue us. Just as I have to accept that I can't rid myself of all pain, so I need to absolve those closest to me from the pressure of believing they have to take the pain away from me. Together we need to work together - I have lived my life, survived my trauma. I do not need to share the fallout from those past experiences as a burden on my current relationships. What I would welcome is someone to walk alongside me, to build me up with present positives, particularly when carrying the burden of my condition or my past wears me down. In the healthiest ways possible I need my current relationships to be nurturing and equal.

3. Be honest. Express to them what other things, practical things would really help when you are feeling overwhelmed. For example, it's okay for children to spend one to one time with a parent if that allows time for the other parent to restore batteries. Support one another in becoming involved in social and other positive activities outside the home. Empty vessels have nothing to offer others.