Groundhogs and Finding the Words

Groundhog Day is a bizarre American public holiday based around the behaviour of a brown, furry rodent, upon which the nation apparently bases its expectation for how much longer winter will last. Until the release of the film 'Groundhog Day', so far, so obscure. Now, we use the phrase to mean recurring events or conversations. Over the past two weeks, I've had that sense of 'Groundhog Day' as I have had conversation after conversation on the same lines. 'My husband/partner/brother/sister/friend/carer keep asking me how they can help me, they keep asking, how they can 'fix' me.'

It's a familiar conundrum, we wish we felt loved, but need to know that with love comes a desire to do 'something' to take the pain and hurt from us. For us, the issue is to prevent pushing the love away with the offer rescue. So often, the conversations continue, 'I wish (he/she) knew that all I want is a hug and reassurance.' So often, it seems that even to find a way to say something this simple is so hard.

I'm no expert, but I have gleaned some wisdom from those who have managed to voice their thoughts to their loved ones and found a way forward together.

1. If You Can't Say it, Try Writing It. Write a letter to your loved one and pin it to the family memo board, or to the fridge, or on the loo door; somewhere they can't miss it.

2. Relieve Them of The Duty to Be Your Saviour. I've stated before that it is an impossibility for one person to provide all of our emotional needs. Those closest to us need to know that we don't expect them to rescue us. Just as I have to accept that I can't rid myself of all pain, so I need to absolve those closest to me from the pressure of believing they have to take the pain away from me. Together we need to work together - I have lived my life, survived my trauma. I do not need to share the fallout from those past experiences as a burden on my current relationships. What I would welcome is someone to walk alongside me, to build me up with present positives, particularly when carrying the burden of my condition or my past wears me down. In the healthiest ways possible I need my current relationships to be nurturing and equal.

3. Be honest. Express to them what other things, practical things would really help when you are feeling overwhelmed. For example, it's okay for children to spend one to one time with a parent if that allows time for the other parent to restore batteries. Support one another in becoming involved in social and other positive activities outside the home. Empty vessels have nothing to offer others.