Helpful Self Soothe Gifs

I first came across these Gifs on Healing Schemas. Originally shared via http://dead-rainbow.tumblr.com/post/108825682249/anxiety-gif-master-post

They have helped me to focus when practising mindful breathing and to refocus on the present. When I am out and about away from being able to watch restful everyday activities such as making tea or coffee they are great as gifs on mobiles. Try some out here or use the link where you will find so many more that are helpful. These worked for me:

Breathe in and out in time to the shapes.

Focus on the movement of the brush on the page.

Whether watching a moving image or focusing on the action of making comforting drinks, a great starter self soothe activity.

Let your eyes focus on the movement of the steam upwards.

When the Fight is too much - Stop Fighting

I'm a fighter. Some would say I'm stubborn, obstinate, belligerent. Others might use words like, determined, resourceful, persistent. Whatever, if I feel strongly about things I will fight.

It is this character trait which more than any other has kept me going - for those of you who are old enough to remember I am an emotional Weeble - for those of you too young - these were little toys which were essentially egg shaped. The most important thing about them was that 'Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.' No matter how many times they were dropped or fell over or 'wobbled' they would bounce back and right themselves.

It's okay to be a bouncer, backer - it means that I have been able to survive a lot of challenges and trauma I never thought possible. Like many who suffer from mental illness, there is a core of steel within me which means that I keep going, even when the situations I battle against are seemingly overwhelming. Recently, however, I have found myself feeling weary of the fight. I know that this is part of the fluctuations in my emotional, mental and physical strength as I seek to manage my mental health.

Suddenly, the other day whilst bemoaning the ongoing struggles I've had, including the day to day struggle to keep body and soul together, I found myself saying 'I am so sick of fighting'. Since Christmas, which is so often a period after which I need acknowledge the need to rebuild myself in nearly every way, I have been hit with one challenge after another. It is hardly surprising that I have found myself at a low ebb: Illness, family crisis, uncertainty about the future and ongoing daily financial pressure. Yet, I continue to drain my resources by constantly battling against intractable situations that are beyond my control.

In particular, I have found myself emotionally battered by the prospect of another Conservative government, by a fear of the impact on my well being from their continued assault on the most vulnerable on society. Usually, my interest in politics and current affairs is more intellectual than emotional - which is probably the best way to view our democracy. However, the survival instinct in me has meant that I have been using my precious emotional strength in railing against people who are oblivious of my very existence. So, I have had to stop fighting against situations and environments I have absolutely no hope of changing. As I sat helpless watching political debates and interviews on Television, the emotional impact in terms of my anxiety and anger levels was extreme compared to any likely impact I could have on the situation.

It is one example of the numerous times I have fought against situations that are beyond my control or abilities. Having, been overwhelmed by a feeling of weariness and its associated thought, 'I'm so weary of fighting', I focused on the dishes I was washing and came to the conclusion that I should just 'stop fighting'.

Once again, I have learned another aspect of Radical Acceptance and its importance in helping me to manage the emotional impact of the world around me. I cannot stop my elderly parents from declining in health, I cannot control the outcome of the coming election, I cannot even predict whether or not I am likely to be soaked by rain on my daily dog walks. The only things I can do, is care as much as I can for my parents, use my vote in May to make my choice and ensure that when I do go outside I am prepared with the right clothes for the weather in that moment.

Radical Acceptance means that I need to recognise when I should be Weeble-like, when I should and could fight against injustice. Through my involvement as a Mental Health volunteer I have been able in small ways to help in situations where the environment is not too powerful for me to have an effect. Long ago, during a period working alongside displaced people, in refugee camps in Africa I became overwhelmed by the suffering and need around me every day, as well as the relatively short time and few resources we had to make any impact. A very experienced NGO worker talked to me about how you get it in perspective without such suffering overwhelming us. It may sound trite, but in that context it helped me refocus my efforts into an individual, case by case way of seeing my way through an environment which was far and away the most powerful environment I had encountered at that time: 'You may not be able to change the world, but you can try to change the world for one person.'

If I keep seeing my life as a whole campaign of war, rather than separate battles, some of which are behind me, then it follows that I will always feel as if I am fighting. When I feel that I have to sort my whole life out, and, while I'm at it, to stop all the injustices in the world around me, then it is hardly surprising that I often feel overwhelmed.

Radical Acceptance tells me that I can keep banging my fists against the wall, or accept that it is there, is too big for me to batter, but maybe if I stop fighting and take a step back I may be able to see a door or gap in it, which will allow me through. Or, and this is the most radical thought of all, maybe if I stop fighting against its existence, I can find a way to live with it. I think my attitude to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) has been like that. For most of my life I applied the weeble principle to my emotional storms. Because storms come and go, this worked for a time. Until, I found myself faced with environments, people and situations that were too powerful for me to overcome.

Let's face it, I am not a superhero, I'm not even a true Weeble. Sometimes I do fall down. That's okay because who wants to have an egg shaped bottom.

Water - the neglected Element?

As I recall - and I could be mistaken because it has been some decades - at school I was taught that the human body is 70% water. Whatever the accurate proportion, water and how I use it has to be an essential part of how I care for myself physically. I cannot survive without it. What about the part water has to play in my mental health? For me it is one thing that is easy to overlook, but in terms of managing my moods it is one of the most basic, and the most important things to get right.

Am I thirsty, or losing control of my mood? We readily recognise the impact food, or lack of it, or too much of it, or the wrong quality has on our moods. We are quick to notice when hunger is bringing our mood down, or the impact sugar has on quickly giving us a 'high'. Too often in the past, I didn't notice that being thirsty has a major impact on my low moods. I have found that I need to drink a minimum of 3 litres of non caffeinated fluids a day so that I remain relatively stable in my moods. I don't know why, except to understand that the description of emotionally sensitive indicates that those things in my environment or physical being which affect my moods and emotions are likely to have a bigger impact on me than the average 'bear'. I start my day with a pint glass full of squash - I marry this with my medications prior to breakfast and is one of my essential routines. When out for a coffee or having lunch I will buy a bottle of water or ask for tap water along with my hot drinks. I am able to notice when I haven't had enough to drink during the day and make use of a wide range of sugar free squashes to keep my water intake steady.

So far, so internal. What about how we use water to soothe and manage difficult moods. I learned to swim when I was three. Was a competitive swimmer from the age of six, I am supremely confident and comfortable in and around water. Here are some ways that I've used water to manage difficult emotions.

1. Mindful Showering and Washing. Noticing the feel, temperature and effects of the water on my skin. This is a self soothing activity for me, particularly when coupled with aromatherapy shower gels and bath cremes/bubbles.

2. Changing Temperature to Manage Distress Tolerance. In a similar way in which some use ice cubes, I have used changes in my bath temperature to help me overcome self harm impulses. The process of running the bath mindfully allows me time to notice the intensity of the impulses and to give myself 'time out' to allow them to subside. I will run the bath as hot as I can stand it - the shock to the system, 'wakens' me away from the internal pain. When I am fully immersed I let a certain amount of the hot water out of the bath before running cold water in. This allows me to notice the waves of cold water mixing in with the hot. Again, doing so mindfully focuses me in the here and now and creates a distraction from the emotional pain. For those for whom baths can be triggering the basic principle of switching between hot and cold can be used in a shower, or by running tap water over the inside of your wrists. This is something I learned to do when working in Africa - it is a quick way to cool yourself down! If you have the time and access, as a luxurious self care treat visit a Turkish Baths (there is an excellent council owned one in Harrogate), you don't have to book in for expensive massages, but can enjoy the simple process of hot steam rooms followed by freezing cold showers, or plunge pools. It is amazingly relaxing. The fact that the steam is infused with eucaplyptus and other aromatherapy oils, means you leave with skin that feels around 10 years younger!

3. Swimming. As I have said I am supremely comfortable in water, I can happily plough up and down the pool, as much as runners can enjoy running for miles. I can also relax by simply floating - something I learned so early I don't remember never being able to just lie on top of the water. On sunny holidays I more likely to be found floating in the water than lying by the side of the pool or on the beach. I also enjoy immersing myself completely so that all sound is drowned out. It's peaceful at the bottom of the pool. The rhythms of swimming are excellent ways to practice mindful breathing. I find that swimming allows me to both exercise and release tension - so much so that it's hard to stay awake after. I am certainly more relaxed that after other forms of exercise.

4. Get used to it. Not everyone is at home in water as much as me. If this is you, try to enjoy the same sensations by observing drops of water on the back of your hand. Watch the different directions it may run each time and try to do so using the principles of mindfulness.

Knowing Who I am - the Crux of the Matter

One of the aspects of a diagnosis of Personality Disorder, particularly that of Emotionally Sensitive (ESPD) or Borderline PD, which causes controversy, is the idea that someone's personality can be fundamentally flawed or 'disordered'. There is also currently much discussion around the issues of diagnosis in general, not to mention the perenniel problems of labelling. Whatever it is called, or whatever diagnosis clinicians and practitioners seek to use in order to identify shared symptoms among those who suffer from PD, the diagnosis, for me, remains simply a signpost indicating areas in which my experience of the world may differ from that of others and help them to provide me with guidance as to the best possible therapies or approaches available to help me overcome my difficulties.

The fact that one cluster of BPD symptoms centres around issues of identity and, therefore human relationships, means that even the most basic understanding of myself and my place in the world, ie who I am, is problematic for me. My understanding has grown around this area as I have learned to observe my own functioning especially in the area of inter-personal relationships.

One of the key consequences of the invalidating childhood environment is to make me doubt entirely my expectations and understanding of the world as I experience it. In essence, the very fact that my emotional responses to pain, or neglect were, ignored, ridiculed or contradicted by my main care givers means that I cannot trust my emotional responses to the world. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that those of us with the symptoms associated with ESPD or BPD experience emotions at a much higher intensity than the average person. Fear, anger and anxiety are primary emotions in terms of helping us survive, particularly when we are at risk of physical harm. However, once again even these most primal of emotional responses have been distorted by the messages we received when growing up, particularly if we have survived childhood abuse, whether sexual, physical, or emotional. For many the intense emotions lead to hyper-vigilance, hypersensitivity and therefore, often result in what appears to the casual observer as inexplicably extreme reactions to everyday situations.

How I feel about the world informs how the world reflects messages about who I am, or who they think I am, back to me. If my emotional messages to the world come through a distorting prism, then the messages I receive back about who I am and how I relate to the world around me, comes back to me as a distortion - sometimes it jars with me, sometimes it confirms my deepest fears. So, I find it difficult to believe I am a likeable person, because even my parents had no time for me. If friends try to give me the message that I am likeable, this feels alien to me and I manage my discomfort with this by imagining reasons for them saying they like me - If I never check out my assumptions my ability to trust others will always be on shaky ground and I will not be able to learn new ways of seeing myself. In other words, I will constantly prevent myself from seeing me as others see me. Unless I am able to counteract the internal distortions by beginning to learn about myself as I am now, then I will continue to find myself in cycles of intense relationships where I try to mould myself to how I think I should be, followed by ongoing rejections which reinforce the distorted views of myself as unlikeable.

I have always struggled with statements which begin 'I am...', yet being able to complete these statements is an important first step in helping me to look at myself in a mirror which is not twisted by my internal emotional responses. I found this sheet from a website for teachers looking for ice breakers for the start of term. As I read through it and applied it to myself I found that I am able to fill in more of the statements about how I view myself, than a year ago. It is good for me to complete this exercise on my own and remind myself that the more clear I am about the 'I am' statements is a reflection of the progress I have been able to make in becoming more secure in my identity. This also reflects the stability in my current close relationships and friendships. It is so positive to be able to say I can measure some friendships in decades now, I've also never lived so long in one place since I left home at the age of 18. I am growing more secure in who I am and my place in the world.

Mindfulness and the Art of watching Foreign Film

It used to be considered slightly pretentious to enjoy foreign language films. I remember when I and my uni friends endured rather than enjoyed turgid epics of incomprehensible philosophy in the guise of entertainment, just because someone we admired had told us it was a 'must see'. Another three hours I'll never see again.

In the last couple of years though, we have been introduced to the best of world television and you know what? It's really quite enjoyable. I've also found that watching programmes in a foreign language actually forces me to focus in a more mindful way. I cannot multi task, I can't let my mind wander - at least not without having to rewind. I don't watch foreign language television close to bed time - it's too stimulating. If you really must know, a good dose of Dave's output is enough to push me over into the land of nod, or at least to release myself from the iron grip of 'TV drift' as I reach for the remote. Foreign language television forces me to stop using the TV as wallpaper and to think about what I am getting from my television experience.

Before I was introduced to mindfulness I thought that my television habits were a useful way to escape from difficult emotions. But when I considered how I was watching, I realised the sheer immersive joy I once experienced as a child had been lost. TV had become bubble gum for my mind, and gum which had long ago lost any flavour or pleasure. This reflected by general inability to engage with life at that time. As I began to notice the world I inhabited again, as my concentration returned with treatment, I rediscovered my enjoyment of film.

That was in time to take advantage of the rise in really good foreign drama appearing on our screens. In addition to having to focus on following the story, it widens my horizons. London, New York, Manchester, LA, they've become over familiar. I love being exposed to different landscapes - yes when nordic, they're bleak, but it's really fascinating to see that their doors open outwards - I'm guessing so the snow doesn't fall inside??
So here they are my top foreign picks:

The Bridge (Series 1 & 2) - Danish with brilliant interplay between the Swedish and Danish cops. Copied as the Tunnel in English - good but definitely lacking something.

Isabel - Spanish Epic and really engrossing historical drama based on the life of Katherine of Aragon's Mum.

The Legacy - Danish family drama - simple idea but really delivers - apparently there'll be a second series.

Crimes of Passion - Swedish about a crime writer (female) set in the early 60s - funny too - at times.

Arne Dahl - Swedish Police Drama - what they call 'gritty'.

Wallander - Swedish and British - Love both versions something just quality about both.

Mammon - Swedish political thriller

And currently I'm watching my way through 'Spiral' French - excellent gritty police drama - with female leads.

Of course there's the Killing but I found that my recovery started too late for me to jump on that particular wagon.

When I need to get really absorbed and lose myself for a while, I set the TV up, switch off the lights and prepare to pay attention to the subtitles!

From Riding the Roller-coaster to the Art of Gliding

Gliding is an activity I have long been fascinated by since I was child and we lived in the vicinity of a gliding club. In fact, I love all kinds of flying, I enjoy travelling by air, the smaller the aircraft, the more enjoyment I get out of the journey. I've parascended, zip wired and enjoyed flying in a helicopter through the Grand Canyon. Learning to fly is high on my Bucket List. Gliding, I think is a good way to learn the rudiments of flight, so I plan, in time, maybe to start there.

This past week I have hit some turbulence in my emotional equilibrium. It has come as a shock to my system especially as I have experienced a longish period of relative stability, particularly in what I refer to as my 'baseline'. Since early January my baseline has taken a dip towards depression, again. The symptoms are familiar to me. In the past it would have taken much longer to even notice this foundational dip, let alone take action to adjust myself to the change.

Initially the symptoms of depression and the consequent negative thought processes which have been part and parcel of my story for so long, have made me feel like I am 'failing' in my recovery. Before this becomes a cyclical thought/emotion dash to self destructive behaviour I know I need to take a step back and think more clearly about what is going on. This is when I started to think about gliding.

In the past, I experienced most days as roller-coaster rides. Massive shifts between negative and positive emotions happened in the space of one or two hours and back again, over and over again until I exhausted my emotional and physical reserves and ended up completely empty. Everything was out of my control, without me having access to any means to manage, direct or control my experience of life.

Today, I think, I am more like the glider pilot. I am still at the mercy of the 'thermals' of daily life. I cannot predict when the actions of others, or the simple process of being a human being are going to challenge me to negotiate a drop in emotional pressure. Unlike the experience of the funfair passenger, the glider pilot is capable of 'riding' the thermals, the forces which dictate the movement of the glider. In addition to having a vessel capable of negotiating the air pressure, there is a simple object - the joystick, which allows me, as the pilot, to determine the overall direction of the glider. Only if I let go of the joystick and give up on getting anywhere in the glider, am I in danger of crashing. Most of all, as that pilot, I need to acknowledge and use what nature throws at me.

I have never piloted a glider - yet, but I have enjoyed sailing in the past. In the same way, in sailing, I cannot change or determine where the wind is going to come from, how strong it is likely to be, or its effects on the waves around. I can, however, use the tiller and sails to negotiate my way through the water, making the most of the power the wind and waves supply. Again, I am able to determine the overall direction in which I want to go.

Right now, I would only be wasting my emotional and physical energy if I deny or resist the fact that I am depressed. In accepting that is where I am at the moment, I give myself permission to look after myself, to not try things I cannot achieve - for the moment. Nor do I need to give up on the hope of keeping moving forward with my life. This month, is not going to determine the progress of the rest of my life, any more than the glider pilot or yachtsman, are unable to steer their way through the thermals or waves - provided they use the tools and skills at their disposal.

For now the tools and skills I am using are Distress Tolerance, to cope with negative thoughts and emotions and Looking after myself physically (DBT PLEASE Skills) and using my DBT inter-personal skills to set aside some tasks that were causing me additional anxiety.

Above all, I am so pleased that the ups and downs are now less roller-coaster and more glider. The dips I am facing don't feel insurmountable. I have also learned that, as quickly as this storm has blown up, it can and will change - 'This Too Will Pass', as some of the worst moments in my life already have. I don't know how long it will last, but it will change to something else, something different, another part of the experience of life. I'm with Carole King - it is all part of the rich tapestry.

'Should' - My Own Personal Dictator

I have lived under a dictatorship most of my life. Sometimes, especially in the early days I considered it a benign dictatorship. Sometimes, still it continues to be.

The problem for me is when 'should' is the only voice I listen to - when 'should' dictates my emotional responses to events and incidents that have already happened and I have no control over. I 'should' have done this, or that. I 'should' have said something different. I 'shouldn't' have even attempted to do this or that.

Worst of all is when my dictator tells me who I 'should' be - if I were a different person, if I could have a different life then I wouldn't be suffering. I 'shouldn't' even expect things to get any better - at least that's what this little dictator tells me when I try to improve my life and end up facing disappointments - of course things have gone wrong I 'shouldn't' have even tried to make my life better.

For too many years I have lived under the tyranny of Should. Making me do things I feel uncomfortable doing, ignoring my own needs to an extreme as I seek to prevent Should's assaults on my mind and emotions after I have attempted to do things to meet my own needs. Living in the state of Should meant that I was constantly on edge, even after I had completed tasks or meetings he would be there running through my head berating me for failing. In the end I was never at peace, always on the look out for ways that I had failed myself and others around me. Always with the expectation that I 'should' have done better. Never once asking if ANYONE COULD have done any differently.

The 'How' of mindfulness is something I often overlook in favour of the easier to practice 'what'- but 'non-judgemental' is exactly the ally I need to help me defeat the dictatorship of Should.

It helps me combat the messages about how fit I 'should' be, what weight I 'should' be, how successful I 'should' be. Non-judgemental helps me to silence 'Should' especially in the middle of trying to achieve things like taking part in social events, or trying out new skills to help me change so that I can make my life better. So rather than a constant stream of Should telling me what I'm doing wrong I try to let go of judging myself constantly: 'You should be more confident, you shouldn't talk to people, they'll think you're weird.' becomes, 'I'm going to speak to this person and focus on what is being said - there is no should or shouldn't, it's just called talking to people - it is what it is.'

The thing about dictators is that they tend to shout loud. I need to ensure that the opposition voice is as strong as Should. Unfortunately, I've given this dictator too much time and space in my head over the years. That means me telling him where to go when he pops up shouting the odds and ruining my experience of life in the here and now.

Of course, there are times when I need to do 'the right thing' by others around me. It's part of the social contract. Otherwise I risk replacing 'Should' with his odious cousin 'Me-Me-Me'. Perhaps what I need is to develop the skill of discernment: 'The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgement'.

An essential part of good judgement is perspective. Being able to see things as they are. I have found that practising mindfulness has allowed me to take a step back from the constant ranting of Should. I can see that I need to ignore Should when he tells me that if I had acted differently the past would have changed. So what? I can't undo the past, it has happened, it is gone, it has no power to keep me away from living in the present. No amount of Should telling me off is going to change the past - so why give him headroom? Similarly, no amount of him telling me that I should be like another person is going to make me a different person, so why pretend that he has any power over that either? I am who I am, I have lived the life I've lived and I am where I am.

If I keep listening to Should and his insistence that I 'should' be this or that, or that I shouldn't have lived as I have lived, or that I should be somewhere else in life, then I am naturally going to make myself miserable. It is time for me to silence him and to focus on doing that which is natural to me, that which is effective in keeping me going in the here and now, and that which helps me to maintain a life worth living.