Life in the 'Wheel of Fire'

I studied English Language and Literature at university. Shakespeare, of course was one of the most significant writers studied, due to his influence in both literature and language spheres - he invented 1700 words that are still in common usage! Of all of his plays I am most drawn to the tragedies of King Lear and Hamlet, along with the tragi-comedy, Twelfth Night. I kind of love misery...

Central to all of these plays is the idea of fate and fatal flaws in the main characters, which causes their ultimate downfalls. This sense of being trapped in endless suffering is sometimes called 'the wheel of fire'. The idea of characters trapped in the 'wheel of fire' comes from Greek tragedy. It is the story of Ixion who is tied to the wheel of fire for the crime of lusting after Zeus's wife. As with all Greek punishments the wheel turns unendingly.

I have had a number of conversations with fellow sufferers of mental illness around the idea of suffering and the feelings of despair felt by the sense that we seem to be tied to our own 'wheels of fire'. It is tempting to see myself trapped in my own 'wheel of fire' made up of my mental health condition and the cycles of uncontrollable emotional storms which have plagued my life.

The idea of a Fatal Flaw is the closest I can come to describe the feeling of being trapped by who I am and how I feel about my life experiences. Perhaps my understanding of this idea has meant that I have not struggled with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder as a description of the cycles I have gone through in life. However, there is a flaw in this symbol. It is two-fold: firstly, the character's flaw is usually something like pride, or blind trust. In contrast, for me, the problems I encounter in being emotionally sensitive are not embedded in who I am, but in how I am 'wired' - I'm sure a neuroscientist could explain it better than me - the part of my brain which controls the emotions is more 'trigger happy' than average. So the 'flaw'is not in my personality, but in my physiology - if it were 'faulty' cancer cells, it would be easier for other people, as well as myself to understand - somehow.

Secondly, within all Tragedies there is a fatalism which means the characters are unable, or unwilling to try and break the endless turning of the 'wheel of fire', so their ultimate destruction is inevitable. Even though there have been times when the pain of living with trauma and the inability to manage the emotional fallout from it, has meant that hope has been absent in my life. I have come to the other side. I am not living at the whim of an author for dramatic effect. I am living in the real world with the complexities of real life. That means, contrary to what my feelings and flawed thinking have told me, it is not a life of black and white, either, or. There are degrees of suffering and shades of light of varying degrees.

Pain is necessary, it is a reaction to that which harms us, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. Suffering on the other hand is optional and not unending. This would have made me laugh a few years ago. For me, every day was suffering. I carried with me the pain of not just that day's sadnesses, but also the pain of my childhood and other historic wounds. They were not healing scars but open wounds, which were so sensitive to additional pain, that it was as if I would reopen the wounds with each new, perceived or real, hurt, however minor. For so many who I allowed to get close enough, it was puzzling that my emotional reactions to every day trials and tribulations were so out of proportion that my relationships with those people broke. They could not see that felt I was tethered to the constantly turning wheel of fire. This was my belief at the time - my lot in life is to suffer, simply because I must have done something 'wrong', or because I was intrinsically flawed in some way.

However, having recognised that, as the Bible says, 'sufficient unto the day is the grace thereof' (King James Version), we only need the ability to live that day's pain, I have started to live without that grinding, eroding sense of despair which comes from life in the wheel of fire. I have already survived my childhood, my twenties, my thirties, the past five years, the past month, week, day. Whatever pain contained in my life at that time, was experienced, in the moment, and now passed into history. To keep the pain alive is not to allow it to heal and will prolong my sense of suffering. In the light of this grinding despair, the impulses to self harm and self destruction are more readily understood. What helps me is the ability to recognise that I am not tied to the wheel of fire, I can step off it. I can choose to see my episodes of pain as just that - not the endless stream of misery that I have felt my life to be in the past.

The emotional and mental exhaustion with which I presented to mental health services, is a consequence of my mistaken belief that I had to carry the burden of all of my life's suffering in the present. Finding a way to give myself rest and respite of the unremitting pain I have felt all my life, has allowed me to view pain in the context of what gives my life meaning. For me it is my faith that helps me make sense of the world and my experience of it. For others, there may be different things which bring meaning to life's experiences. Until I allow myself to end the punishment of prolonging my own suffering, I will always be trapped in the wheel of fire. In order to do that, I must see myself with some compassion, to allow my wounds to heal into scars. Reminders of past experiences, without the constant reopening of old wounds which prolongs my suffering.

Why Not Me?

Yesterday I was discharged from Mental Health Services after four years. Unlike many people I read about on here my discharge was well managed and took account of some moments a few months ago when it was not appropriate to end the relationship. So it was a positive ending of a relationship with my Care Co-ordinator. I was able to express my gratitude to her and she in turn reinforced the positives in my progress. My week began with a visit to a Breast Cancer Unit following a routine screening which revealed some suspect lumps. In one way I had to laugh - timing was perfect - one week bookended with physical and mental health issues - I'm nothing if not equal opportunities with regard to illness!

In the past the uncertainty caused would have resulted in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions centred on my (imagined) ability to mind read, predict and anticipate the future. At some points I found myself 'reading into' the kindness and professionalism of the clinic staff as confirmation of the worst news possible. I certainly felt the shock of the speed of appointments offered - not to mention the fact that within the space of two hours the clinic had: confirmed the presence of five tiny lumps, the fact that they couldn't tell from the range of tests whether they were benign, and then to have them removed, a dressing applied and instructions given about care for the small wound and details of the appointment to receive the results of the biopsy taken. However, I found myself using my mindfulness skills to keep me focused on what I knew, which was exactly what I had been told by the consultant, and what my senses could tell me was happening around me.

In the past I would have collapsed under the weight of the uncertainty, whilst being swamped with the pain of every trauma I had lived through in my life - quite an emotional burden, I'm sure you'll agree. I would also have been plagued by the constant thoughts centred around 'Why Me?'. Such an event would have confirmed my life role as 'victim'.

This week, though, something had changed - the pain of the past is where it belongs - in the past. I really don't need to be carrying all of that as I deal with life as it is in the here and now. After all as the Bible says 'Today has enough trouble of its own.' (Jesus on the Sermon on the Mount). The other thing that has changed is that I have learned that I am not some toxic person who attracts trauma. Unfortunately, the term Borderline Personality Disorder does seem to confirm this thought, but just because that's the label they've chosen doesn't mean that it has to be a prediction of who I am or who I can become. I may have been a victim of circumstances, or other people in the past, but right now I am not a victim anymore. I am a human being who is experiencing the sort of difficulties that any other human can face. My thought has changed to 'Why not me?' In a week when children and whole families have been indiscriminately murdered in the Middle East and Ukraine, why not me, why should I escape the pain (both emotional and physical) of life in this world?

Pain and suffering is not something I have sought out. The trauma I have experienced throughout my life, has been survivable. The burden of guilt from the abuse perpetrated by others is where it belongs - with them. If they have any conscience about their actions, then it is only right that they bear the emotional burden of their own guilt - not me. Again, I continue the journey away from feeling guilty for the actions of others towards me. The pain and the emotional scars that were left have FELT as if they would kill me, but they didn't and they haven't. I have grown stronger through the life experiences I have gone through and today, along with all survivors, I am one strong 'Mama'.

My current health concerns have a physical pain associated with them - I have managed to cope with needles going into a sensitive part of my body. I know there are many who suffer unending physical pain, so why would I complain about something that has hurt only for a time? And yet I need to acknowledge that this is my pain, I have a right to feel it. My ability to cope with it is different from everyone else. I do not know what the limits of my coping are until I reach them.

With my mental health issues, though my biggest battle will always be with my emotional impulses and the circular thinking that has fed them in the past. I am learning through this experience that the DBT skills that have helped me to manage my emotional issues are helping me cope with the physical discomforts of my current experiences.