Reflections on life with BPD. Experience of using DBT to manage ESPD/BPD symptoms. Wanting to connect and encourage others struggling with Mental Illness. Stop the Stigma - the best way to learn about my Mental Health is to ask me about it...
Showing posts with label Balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Balance. Show all posts
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
What on Earth is DBT?
I have found myself being asked this question a few times by people who follow my twitter feed or this blog. It's funny how easy it is to obscure your message by the use of jargon. I actually enjoy explaining what DBT is and what I have got out of it as a treatment - it has been a massive positive in my life. Unlike the question 'what does the borderline in BPD mean?' Not easily answered as frankly most people now don't actually agree with it as a descriptor of this condition - anyway that's another topic altogether and if my DBT has taught me anything it is not to be distracted by thoughts that are not relevant to the here and now.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) was developed by a clinical psychologist in America called Marsha Linehan (do google the name she has produced numerous videos and articles about her therapy) in the 1990s. It is a combination of mindfulness techniques and Cognitive Behavioural approaches to help those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder learn to understand and control the extreme fluctuations in their emotions.
As a replacement for BPD as a label some have taken to referring to the condition as either Emotional Sensitivity Personality Disorder or Emotional Dysregulation. As a descriptor I find the latter preferable. Whatever term you choose to describe it, what it meant for me was a see sawing of moods which could cycle from being 'hyper', excitable, voluble and energetic to extreme feelings of depression with a high degree of suicidal feelings within the space of a few hours, several times a day.
As you can imagine such constant cycling of emotions can be extremely draining and distressing. A key hallmark of the condition is poor impulse control accompanied by strong urges towards self harm (or self destructive behaviours) and suicide. Throughout my life, until I really started to practice my DBT skills, the idea of killing myself or harming myself was an almost constant presence in my consciousness.
DBT is not offered as a cure for these issues, but seeks to offer the sufferer the means to interrupt and then control the emotional storms which are the moment by moment experience of BPD. One important point to make is that no treatment in Mental Health should be considered as one size fits all. This is why the individual sessions of DBT are so crucial for each person. I can only decide what skills I need to master in order to manage my emotional life. Because it is a skills based treatment it requires a major commitment, not only during the time in group and with your one to one therapist, but, more importantly, after discharge the treatment will only work long term if I commit myself on a regular basis to remind myself of the skills and to practice them.
I remember my GP expressing her frustration with patients who had been referred to the Physiotherapist to deal with one condition or another. She would make follow up appointments to see them after six weeks or so. 'How's it going?' She would ask on their return. 'No use whatsoever'. She would persevere 'Really?'. 'Oh yes, I went twice and to be honest the exercises were alright when I was there, but then the complaint returned in between visits.' Now, it seems to me that the GP shouldn't then have to explain that these exercises should be repeated daily in between 'visits'. If I think after discharge 'well that's that then' not practice or take seriously the skills I have worked so hard to develop, during my time in therapy, then I don't think I should be surprised if I start to lose control and become a prisoner of my emotions once more. I need to keep going with it.
So what are these skills?
The core 'treatment' is a weekly skills group along with a weekly one to one session. In the group we are introduced to the skills and encouraged to start to use them to manage day to day issues as they arise. In the individual sessions there is an opportunity to discuss in more detail the skills that are most useful to me as an individual and the key parts of my emotion dysregulation I should be working on.
There are four main modules:
1. The Core Skill of Mindfulness runs throughout the length of both the group and individual sessions. (typically one year, although some centres are trying to offer 6 months which only allows one cycle of the skills modules).
2. Distress Tolerance - skills to help me manage when I am in distress without reverting to self destructive and self harming strategies that I may have used all my life. (here the importance of developing familiarity over a longer period of time becomes clear).
3. Emotion Regulation - longer term skills to enable me to recognise what feelings I am dealing with and to develop strategies to maintain a stability in those emotions. (these have become more regularly used by me since my discharge in seeking to maintain my progress with managing my emotions)
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness - anyone who has BPD or has lived with someone with BPD will tell you that the emotional maelstroms inherent in the condition wreak havoc in all sorts of important relationships. Reading other people is not a natural skill that I possess because of my invalidating upbringing. This is an area I need to consciously be aware of and that I need to practice constantly in order to counteract the natural urge to respond to my instinctive (often mistaken) feelings about the relationships around me.
I completed a one year programme, during this time, each module is introduced and after six months, and a review of progress, they are repeated and reinforced both in the skills group and in the one to one sessions.
This is a very sketchy outline of DBT, there will no doubt be many other questions.
Such as, what do I mean by Dialectics? Essentially, my understanding (which will be limited to my own experience) is that it seeks to bring stability and balance to my emotional life so that I can enjoy the parts of my life that are to be enjoyed, without expecting everything to be 'sorted' or 'perfect' (I've covered this in my blog on recovery and what it now means to me here: http://bpdlifeinthemoment.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/putting-jigsaw-together-learning-to-fit.html
The following are links to helpful websites about BPD and DBT: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ has really useful exercises and videos for the practice of DBT skills and Mindfulness, www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com (Healing for BPD) is an online version of DBT but there are also really helpful articles and examples of using DBT skills in recovery. There are many other websites that offer useful mindfulness videos or self soothe ideas etc. Just be selective and be aware nothing will bring about any miracle cure and any skill needs a lot of time and hard work to develop.
I think the best way to find out about Marsha Linehan who has an amazing story about coping with BPD herself, is to just google her name.
Access to DBT groups in the NHS seems to be very limited. I have been so lucky to live in Lancashire and to be able to access the Central Lancashire DBT Team for nearly 18 months. I am so grateful for a local NHS Trust (Lancashire Care Foundation Trust) which has seen fit to offer not only this, but also other therapies for BPD. Having not meshed with one previous therapy, I only had a waiting time of one year to access DBT. I am aware that not every area has so much to offer to what is a cinderella condition, but hopefully, if I can encourage others to ask about it and whether it is available in their area then, maybe, some 'up high' might begin to see the light.
For me, having my discharge report set down in black in white that I have not self harmed for over 18 months has helped me to see just how far I have come. My time in the group was an important part of my journey but I haven't arrived, I'm just moving on. I continue to work on my Emotion Regulation skills, occasionally I use my Distress Tolerance skills when an echo of my past takes me by surprise. Rather than creating dependence one of the best things DBT has given me is a developing confidence that I am ready for life without Mental Health Services, that I am capable of maintaining and building on the progress I have made so far and that even, if I may never have a life without my turbulent emotions, they will never have to overwhelm in the same way again.
I will be forever grateful for the visionaries behind this great innovation for BPD sufferers.
Sunday, 26 January 2014
Taking off the Training Wheels
I've never liked endings. That's because I've always been very bad at them. In the past, due to the 'push-me, pull-you' emotions of BPD I'd never managed to maintain any relationship for longer than three years. So when my CPN and DBT Therapist are giving me actual dates for 'discharge' my natural suspicion of my ability to cope raises its ugly head. Especially as I started working with my CPN in 2010.
It's not that this is a shock. After all, from day one on DBT they prepare you for life after DBT and emphasise the fact that the therapy will end. The problem is that most of my endings in my life have been accompanied by some form of relationship, or other, trauma. To be honest, one of things I am getting used to is the lack of trauma in this ending. I mean, suddenly I am aware that I am coping better with all sorts of new experiences - stable friendships and lack of crisis in my family relationships. Or should I say, I am not allowing my emotions about these relationships to overwhelm me - one result of the DBT skills I have learned and practised over the past 18 months.
I still have anxiety about the future - will I ever be employable? When treatment ends, will I continue with my recovery? How do I cope with the realisation that some very key relationships with my CPN and Therapist are ending? I'm bound to have anxieties because I have never travelled this road before and certainly never been equipped with the tools to manage my overwhelming responses to the world before.
What I have learned is 'do not worry about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of its own' (Matthew Chap 6 v 34 The Sermon on the Mount). Rather than racing ahead in anticipation of everything coming crashing in round my ears, as it has so many times in the past, I have learned to accept each day as it is right now. It has included ups AND downs over the past 18 months. Treatment has not changed my life into an amazingly problem or crisis free road.
Rather, I have changed, I have learned not to trust the extremes of my thoughts and feelings - the Black and White thinking symptomatic of BPD. I now check out some of my knee jerk reactions to life and have moved from the rocking to and fro of a small boat tossed about in stormy seas, to being able to wait for the storm to pass, as I have learned that both thoughts and emotions come and go. The most important thing I have learned about my feelings is that they won't kill me, no matter how intensely I feel them. I have also learned that my thoughts and feelings, alone are not reliable enough to build my life responses and choices on. As the serenity prayer says: 'Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.' This is a summary of the DBT skills I have learned. Learning to manage BPD depends on a balance between acceptance and change. Acceptance of the things that are an essential part of my experience and character. Ability to change those things which are in my power to change in my response to my environment and relationships.
Given that it is over a year since I last self harmed, I have been managing my BPD with the skills I have learned. The training wheels came off a long time ago. My therapist has been coaching me from alongside, having pushed me off to balance on my own some time ago. The problem at the moment is that the impending end date has made me suddenly aware that I am moving forward with only myself and my new skills to keep me balanced. Wobble I may well do, but I am moving forward and, (to carry the bike riding analogy to breaking point), as long as I am moving forward I will keep my balance and I am unlikely to fall off. However, I have also learned that even if I do fall, it is not the end of the journey. I can pick myself up and continue on my way.
It's not that this is a shock. After all, from day one on DBT they prepare you for life after DBT and emphasise the fact that the therapy will end. The problem is that most of my endings in my life have been accompanied by some form of relationship, or other, trauma. To be honest, one of things I am getting used to is the lack of trauma in this ending. I mean, suddenly I am aware that I am coping better with all sorts of new experiences - stable friendships and lack of crisis in my family relationships. Or should I say, I am not allowing my emotions about these relationships to overwhelm me - one result of the DBT skills I have learned and practised over the past 18 months.
I still have anxiety about the future - will I ever be employable? When treatment ends, will I continue with my recovery? How do I cope with the realisation that some very key relationships with my CPN and Therapist are ending? I'm bound to have anxieties because I have never travelled this road before and certainly never been equipped with the tools to manage my overwhelming responses to the world before.
What I have learned is 'do not worry about tomorrow, because today has enough troubles of its own' (Matthew Chap 6 v 34 The Sermon on the Mount). Rather than racing ahead in anticipation of everything coming crashing in round my ears, as it has so many times in the past, I have learned to accept each day as it is right now. It has included ups AND downs over the past 18 months. Treatment has not changed my life into an amazingly problem or crisis free road.
Rather, I have changed, I have learned not to trust the extremes of my thoughts and feelings - the Black and White thinking symptomatic of BPD. I now check out some of my knee jerk reactions to life and have moved from the rocking to and fro of a small boat tossed about in stormy seas, to being able to wait for the storm to pass, as I have learned that both thoughts and emotions come and go. The most important thing I have learned about my feelings is that they won't kill me, no matter how intensely I feel them. I have also learned that my thoughts and feelings, alone are not reliable enough to build my life responses and choices on. As the serenity prayer says: 'Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.' This is a summary of the DBT skills I have learned. Learning to manage BPD depends on a balance between acceptance and change. Acceptance of the things that are an essential part of my experience and character. Ability to change those things which are in my power to change in my response to my environment and relationships.
Given that it is over a year since I last self harmed, I have been managing my BPD with the skills I have learned. The training wheels came off a long time ago. My therapist has been coaching me from alongside, having pushed me off to balance on my own some time ago. The problem at the moment is that the impending end date has made me suddenly aware that I am moving forward with only myself and my new skills to keep me balanced. Wobble I may well do, but I am moving forward and, (to carry the bike riding analogy to breaking point), as long as I am moving forward I will keep my balance and I am unlikely to fall off. However, I have also learned that even if I do fall, it is not the end of the journey. I can pick myself up and continue on my way.
Sunday, 19 January 2014
Housework - the forgotten symptom....
My house I've realised reveals a lot about my mental health. When I'm up and when I'm down.... it's like a barometer of my emotional life. I remember a cartoon from my childhood with a dog called 'What-a-mess'. I loved that dog: I think I am that dog!
Most of the time my public face is usually fairly presentable, which is why anyone who looked inside my mind or my home (at times) would probably be surprised to see the extent of my inner 'What-a-Mess'. Someone asked me today, 'do you think that you have a problem with people thinking that you're competent and confident?' Now, I know he doesn't mean, that people find me so overwhelmingly competent and confident that they can't relate to me. I think he meant that people have a hard time accepting that I could be suffering from complex mental health issues. Maybe if I were more like What-a-Mess, ie people able to see the extent of my 'disarray' then there would be less questioning of the fact of my struggles and perhaps more acceptance when I need 'space' from people and the world around me.
The thing is, when people have entered my home (which has happened on just four occasions in the past year) it is obvious that all is not well in the 'State of Denmark'. In fact, I am rather ashamed of my 'bolthole'. I realise that using all my energy to manage my 'public face' leaves me relatively little energy to take care of my most important environment.
I am realising more and more that this reflects the biggest struggle I have as I move forward towards full recovery - a lack of self validation. My home reflects the value I place on myself. All my energy seems to be directed at maintaining my competent image to the world outside. Would I be better served letting out my inner 'What-a-Mess' to the world outside, or is the answer about finding more balance in my life, between my public and private lives?
Balance is always preferable to living at extremes of different spectrums. I don't have to choose between being What-a-Mess and Aggie and Kim, I just have to be able to invest in my home so that it is somewhere that does not generate negative emotions like 'shame'. My aim is to improve the environment to which I retreat from the world to recharge my batteries. To do so means that I should be trying to have enough energy left in each week to allow me to take care of myself: cooking, personal hygiene, housework, relaxation etc. In practical terms, I need to see my physical environment as being part of the nurturing relationships that are helping my emotional life.
I need my home to be a retreat, a nest, a safe place, when my mind and emotions are very much 'What-a-Mess'!
Most of the time my public face is usually fairly presentable, which is why anyone who looked inside my mind or my home (at times) would probably be surprised to see the extent of my inner 'What-a-Mess'. Someone asked me today, 'do you think that you have a problem with people thinking that you're competent and confident?' Now, I know he doesn't mean, that people find me so overwhelmingly competent and confident that they can't relate to me. I think he meant that people have a hard time accepting that I could be suffering from complex mental health issues. Maybe if I were more like What-a-Mess, ie people able to see the extent of my 'disarray' then there would be less questioning of the fact of my struggles and perhaps more acceptance when I need 'space' from people and the world around me.
The thing is, when people have entered my home (which has happened on just four occasions in the past year) it is obvious that all is not well in the 'State of Denmark'. In fact, I am rather ashamed of my 'bolthole'. I realise that using all my energy to manage my 'public face' leaves me relatively little energy to take care of my most important environment.
I am realising more and more that this reflects the biggest struggle I have as I move forward towards full recovery - a lack of self validation. My home reflects the value I place on myself. All my energy seems to be directed at maintaining my competent image to the world outside. Would I be better served letting out my inner 'What-a-Mess' to the world outside, or is the answer about finding more balance in my life, between my public and private lives?
Balance is always preferable to living at extremes of different spectrums. I don't have to choose between being What-a-Mess and Aggie and Kim, I just have to be able to invest in my home so that it is somewhere that does not generate negative emotions like 'shame'. My aim is to improve the environment to which I retreat from the world to recharge my batteries. To do so means that I should be trying to have enough energy left in each week to allow me to take care of myself: cooking, personal hygiene, housework, relaxation etc. In practical terms, I need to see my physical environment as being part of the nurturing relationships that are helping my emotional life.
I need my home to be a retreat, a nest, a safe place, when my mind and emotions are very much 'What-a-Mess'!
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