How do I know when that 'gut feeling' is just my body talking?

When I was sixteen one of my best friends had a boyfriend who could be euphemistically described as 'an interesting character'. He was an unfortunate soul, who seemed to attract disaster. On one occasion a riot spilled over from a neighbouring area where he lived in Belfast. The rioting hordes descended on his street and rioted along its length. One solitary car was severely vandalised - Geoff's.

One day he announced to my friend that he was emigrating to Russia, as he believed this was the right thing to do. The thing was that he had never shown the remotest interest in that part of the world, never even mentioned it to anyone, let alone his girlfriend. In fact, Geoff had never even been abroad for a holiday before. Nor did he have any idea of purpose or job when he got there. As she explored his desire to emigrate to - not just visit - Russia, she asked him what made him think it was a good idea. 'My stomach' he answered. I actually admire the stickability of my friend as they lasted nearly two years in a relationship!

In some ways I am more like Geoff than I would like to think. How many times have I said to myself, this or that 'feels' right. Or how many times do people tell me to go 'with your gut feeling'. Instinct is a useful tool for navigating the big and small decisions of life. However, when you are emotionally dysregulated, knowing what is your gut and what is an extreme reaction due to unrecognised feelings becomes a real problem.

I have learned very late in life, that I am not always as good at reading people and situations as I think. This is not because I am unable to empathise or understand facial expressions, or read and respond to circumstances in the normal course of life. It is because, when my emotions are involved, I do not always recognise that I am interacting with them through the filter of whatever emotion is predominant in a given situation. Over the past week, I have believed that someone I value highly has started to hate me. This may seem dramatic, in fact many of my reactions to everyday ups and downs in friendships and relationships are seen by others as dramatic, theatrical even, because those on the outside are not privy to the power of the emotions evoked. So, when I have a disagreement, sometimes even just an exchange of views on the current economic situation, with a friend I can feel as if I have destroyed the relationship simply based on how my gut is guiding me to interpret what is going on.

I think the feelings that 'present' most often in my gut are anxiety, fear and anger. It is hardly surprising because these are the most difficult emotions for me to manage. They invariably involve physical sensations as part of the body's normal defence responses. This is fine if I am being chased by a lion or bear and need to escape and stay alive. This is not okay, when I am in the middle of a political discussion with a friend. The feelings are natural, but in context, they are out of place. This means that my body and mind are reacting to an unreal situation, but with very real threat responses.

For those observing me, my reactions appear over dramatic and long lasting, for me bringing my threat level back to normal takes effort and skill. This process is invisible to those around me and has resulted in my being dismissed, misunderstood, patronised and belittled in the past, thereby increasing the gut feeling of threat and keeping the cycle going.

In response to these experiences, I have developed some checks and balances to make sure that when I am tempted to rely on my gut feeling, alone, I am able to slow the process down and take stock. When I realised I was reacting to my friend in a negative way, I was able to ask another trusted friend if they thought I had damaged my other friendship. I also considered the information I had on the friend I feared 'hated' me. I considered the level of reaction - hate is an extreme - was I misinterpreting a lesser emotion in him such as distraction, preoccupation with other things going on? The DBT skills are aimed at restoring balance when emotions take over and throw me off kilter.

Wise Mind helps me to walk the mid line between trusting entirely in my 'gut feeling' which in certain circumstances can be so wrong it's funny (with hindsight) and a tendency I have had to dissociate myself from all emotions and become entirely rational. The latter resulted in me being emotionally numb for over ten years, the former resulted in some of my most explosive and unflattering moments ever.

If anxiety or anger are distorting my decision making or affecting my relationships because they are misplaced or out of proportion to the situation I try the following:

1) Quickly ask a trusted friend if the situation warrants my emotional response.
2) If I have a decision to make I use Pro's and Con's to ensure that any action I take is based on something other than how I am feeling in the moment. Don't make promises when you're happy, don't make decisions when you're angry.
3) Using Wise Mind I consider my experience of a person or situation - is what I think is happening in accordance with my previous experience of that person or situation? Has anything significant changed in the relationship or situation that would make my extreme emotions understandable? Can the reaction of the person or the situation itself be understood in a less traumatic way than I am currently seeing it?

Useful worksheet for decision making from @DBTPath

Ultimately, my gut feeling is only trusted by me when I have gone through this process. Taking the time to ask myself to notice and describe what is happening around me often changes the gut feeling anyway.

And what of Geoff? Well a couple of weeks after his stomach 'told' him to up sticks and move to Russia, he was admitted to hospital with an inflamed peptic ulcer. His stomach had been out of sorts simply because he was physically unwell. He didn't get to Russia after all. My friend broke up with him not long after.

Who to Tell? What to Tell?

I believe firmly in the importance of the 'Time to Change', 'Time to Talk' campaigns run by Mind, Sane and other mental health charities. I know that the best challenge to Mental Health stigma is for people like me to be open about my diagnosis. But there is a caveat -

sometimes discretion and self preservation are needed

simply because even those closest to us, just don't get it.

I have found it easier to tell those who are distanced from me - the 'strangers' in my life, if you like, that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. a) Because I was not invested emotionally in their reactions to me and b) because they were not invested in keeping me in roles that didn't help me.

I have encountered a number of reactions:

1) The first person I told was my Line Manager immediately following the second or third assessment when Mental Health staff started to discuss my BPD symptoms. Despite her lack of knowledge (and, indeed my own!) she was consistently supportive and was keen to listen and learn with me about what my condition would mean for my remaining in post as a Probation Officer. In the end I took voluntary redundancy due to the realisation that my challenging caseload was not helpful to me in seeking manage my emotion dysregulation. She even supported me when a Senior Manager insisted on expensive assessments by privately funded Psychiatrists whose sole aim was to assess my risk of physical harm to my cases - the vast majority of whom were violent and dangerous male offenders! Three times the response came back 'no, the highest risk of BPD is of suicide and self harm'!! and still Senior Management sought to prove that I was suddenly a risk to others, having worked successfully in that office for seven years! However, my own instability meant that I knew it was best for me and my cases if I moved on. On leaving my career behind my Manager left me with a positive professional regard which I am slowly able to take on board and use to move into a future career - just don't know what it is yet.

2) Telling my family is problematic - I can never tell my parents. Growing up even physical illness was dismissed - certainly no room for compassion for mental illness. Ask my brother who suffers from chronic severe Asthma and who was told that his attacks were just due to him being 'highly strung'. Instead of opening myself up to reinforcing negative statements and parental rejection, I have been living a lie with my parents since I was diagnosed. They know I have a condition which requires me to have given up my job and to attend therapy twice a week for the past year (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - DBT), but beyond that I cannot share with them. Sometimes accepting that I will never change them or their views stops me from suffering further at their hands.

3) The rest of my family - I have received nothing but support and love from my brother and his wife. They have read up on the websites and books I have recommended and have recently supported me in speaking publicly about my experiences to small groups. Their children have now grown up with me as their auntie who gets very down at times but will always be the person they have known and loved since they were little.

4) Speaking in public about my experiences has shown me that there are so many people hungry to hear that they are not alone.

I hope that as I articulate my own experiences they will resonate with others - I know I really appreciate the Twitter community of those who have BPD and who have been helped by DBT - it reminds me every day that they have come through and are leading stable rewarding lives. (esp @HealingFromBPD and @DBTPath - thanks guys)