Letting Go....

At the risk of triggering an earworm from 2013 I've been focusing on 'letting it go' this week. I am currently taking my turn at caring for an elderly very ill parent. 2019 has been quite a year with my Mum dying in April and my father a couple of months later for radical surgery to remove large tumours by removing all his large intestine. Unfortunately, as is the case with elderly people he has not followed the 'plan' ie discharged after 7 days followed by steady rehab and recovery at home. In the past three weeks as a smaller family unit of three we have been watching our father fight numerous infections and have to undergo another significant operation to save his life. The words that are repeated to us are 'there is a lot going on in there' and 'we cannot say he is improving, nor can we say he is deteriorating'. So we wait, in no man's land.

My previous post was reflecting on grief after losing a parent, when there is a conclusion. There is a different range of challenging emotions when in the waiting space of someone who is critically ill. In the past because of my fears about toxic emotions and the overwhelming power of them to paralyse me, I have frozen my sadness, stopped myself crying, for fear that the floods would overwhelm me. It continues to be my default position, so it was that I found myself starting to cry over the dishes one day and, even though I was alone, found myself trying to deviate from the feelings and thoughts.

What's so wrong with tears? When I am in my rational/wise mind I know the answer is nothing. These tears are necessary, these tears are natural within them is so much more than grief and loss. Within them are more complex feelings, like frustration, impatience, the sense of powerlessness in the face of life's realities. I was struck by the need to allow myself the release of tears when a nurse came into the room and asked 'How are you?', I responded 'I'm ok', then checked myself, 'Or were asking about my Dad?', 'No, how are you doing today?' I was so focused on the ups and downs of my Dad's journey, I realised I wasn't able to answer, the answer is 'I don't know.' One thing I do know is that even if I couldn't explain to you the reasons for my tears, I am learning to let them go - as an important part of my own self-care at the moment.