The Power of 'Yes'

Of all the skills and habits learned during Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) there is a small but significant concept known as 'willingness'. When I first came across it in a group skills session, I immediately linked it to my willingness to engage in the DBT process. However, after some years of recovery and reflection I can see that it goes so much deeper.

As an English student I challenged myself to read James Joyce's Ulysses....bit of a pretentious phase, but the sense of achievement paid off the effort. One of the episodes that make up this epic novel is called 'Molly Bloom's Soliloquy'. It is 50 pages of unpunctuated, stream of consciousness as Molly lies in bed thinking about life. 'So what?' I hear you say. 'What do you want? A medal?' The point of mentioning this 50 page 'sentence' is that, for me, the most significant part of this piece of writing is that the 50 pages begin and end with one word 'Yes'. James Joyce believed that 'yes' is the most positive word in the English language. And that brings me to the heart of what willingness has come to mean to me.

It means saying yes to leaving the past behind. Saying yes to trying new ways of coping when my old self destructive ways have proved ineffective. It means saying yes to being part of something....accepting invitations to begin new friendships. It means saying, yes to giving human beings a chance when humans have proved to have caused me most suffering in the past. It means saying yes to the reality that I am made to be in relationships with people. It means saying yes to accepting that people can see good things in me and may want to get to know me. It means saying yes to something or someone who is bigger than me and my problems. It means saying yes to belonging and feeling that I belong after years of feeling like an alien. When I was able to leave behind the constant feeling that I wanted to escape this life and instead said 'yes' to keeping going, no matter how difficult I may find it, the power of 'yes' began.

Yes releases me to say No to those things in my life that are self destructive. Yes enables me to say No to people who prevent me from taking part in life as it can be. Yes releases me to say No when I feel pressure to do things I don't want to do, because I fear rejection.

The power of yes is not contained in any magic formula. The word 'willingness' gives the key. Saying 'yes' to changing life so that I can stop being managed by traumas from the past, or the fluctuations of moods and circumstances, means actively willing myself to choose the positive. Saying yes to life may cost at times, but it must always be weighed against the cost of choosing not to embrace 'yes'.