Little Things Mean So Much

We all recognise the daily grind. The wear and tear of a million tiny burdens which work together to bring us to our knees. In much the same way as drops of water add together over time against land to wear away our literal foundations, the constant wearisome action of day to day problems tend to grind down our emotional resilience. As someone who is emotionally sensitive the impact of the feelings of weariness may at times seem out of proportion to the triggering event. If only I could give as much weight to the little positive things, as I do to those things which work against me and my emotional resilience.

It is a phenomenon that is not reserved solely for those of us who battle internal as well as external pressures. Large firms are quoted as giving additional weight to positive comments about their service or products as opposed to the more frequent negative comments. We find it easier to notice and dwell on the negative in our lives, than we do the positive.

The fact is that life is light and shade, ups and downs, positive and negative. In our DBT skills group we had a jar which was passed round the group into which we placed different coloured glass beads. We had to tell the group about positive and negative events from the past week and place coloured beads accordingly into the jar, but we had to put two in for every positive event and one for negative. It was a great way to help me to notice how many positives there were in my life over time.

As someone who feels things intensely I find it fascinating that I am comfortable in experiencing the negative in life, that I tend to dismiss the positives that flow my way from positive relationships and events. Noticing and keeping a record of good things has become a necessary discipline in helping me to maintain emotional balance.

Another thing I have noticed is that, at first, I kept waiting for the big events and encouragements, whilst I dismissed the small things that make life bearable at times. If only I would give myself more of a break and let go of the million small disappointments and knocks that are also a part of life.

I have started listing the little things that lift me up.

1) The extra boost that the lengthening days gives to my mood.

2) The joy of how satisfying it is to bake and cook for myself - also helps that the products can be consumed - saving me money and keeping me from junk food!

3) Allowing myself to get soaked through on a rainy day followed by enjoying a hot shower and some pampering before climbing into my onesie.

4) The physical and emotional sigh of getting undressed at the end of the day and curling up in my pjs afterward.

5) Enjoying the freedom of dancing madly to fun music - thankfully I've reached an age where I just don't care and I'm enjoying that!

6) I can choose to make myself sick on all my favourite childhood sweets - if I want to.

7) When I am happy I can indulge it as much as I used to indulge my negative feelings - without feeling guilty.

8) I love enjoying cotton sheets and clothes - cool

9) Coffee - just excellent, freshly brewed coffee, the smell, the taste, the sight.

10) (I'm wary of advertising, but here goes anyway...) Lindt chocolate - eating a Lindor - slowly...

At first I need to be deliberate about noticing and keeping a record of these little things, but, as with most things in life, as I keep going it will become as much a part of my world view as my tendency to think negatively about myself and my experience of the world used to be.

Helpful Self Soothe Gifs

I first came across these Gifs on Healing Schemas. Originally shared via http://dead-rainbow.tumblr.com/post/108825682249/anxiety-gif-master-post

They have helped me to focus when practising mindful breathing and to refocus on the present. When I am out and about away from being able to watch restful everyday activities such as making tea or coffee they are great as gifs on mobiles. Try some out here or use the link where you will find so many more that are helpful. These worked for me:

Breathe in and out in time to the shapes.

Focus on the movement of the brush on the page.

Whether watching a moving image or focusing on the action of making comforting drinks, a great starter self soothe activity.

Let your eyes focus on the movement of the steam upwards.

When the Fight is too much - Stop Fighting

I'm a fighter. Some would say I'm stubborn, obstinate, belligerent. Others might use words like, determined, resourceful, persistent. Whatever, if I feel strongly about things I will fight.

It is this character trait which more than any other has kept me going - for those of you who are old enough to remember I am an emotional Weeble - for those of you too young - these were little toys which were essentially egg shaped. The most important thing about them was that 'Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.' No matter how many times they were dropped or fell over or 'wobbled' they would bounce back and right themselves.

It's okay to be a bouncer, backer - it means that I have been able to survive a lot of challenges and trauma I never thought possible. Like many who suffer from mental illness, there is a core of steel within me which means that I keep going, even when the situations I battle against are seemingly overwhelming. Recently, however, I have found myself feeling weary of the fight. I know that this is part of the fluctuations in my emotional, mental and physical strength as I seek to manage my mental health.

Suddenly, the other day whilst bemoaning the ongoing struggles I've had, including the day to day struggle to keep body and soul together, I found myself saying 'I am so sick of fighting'. Since Christmas, which is so often a period after which I need acknowledge the need to rebuild myself in nearly every way, I have been hit with one challenge after another. It is hardly surprising that I have found myself at a low ebb: Illness, family crisis, uncertainty about the future and ongoing daily financial pressure. Yet, I continue to drain my resources by constantly battling against intractable situations that are beyond my control.

In particular, I have found myself emotionally battered by the prospect of another Conservative government, by a fear of the impact on my well being from their continued assault on the most vulnerable on society. Usually, my interest in politics and current affairs is more intellectual than emotional - which is probably the best way to view our democracy. However, the survival instinct in me has meant that I have been using my precious emotional strength in railing against people who are oblivious of my very existence. So, I have had to stop fighting against situations and environments I have absolutely no hope of changing. As I sat helpless watching political debates and interviews on Television, the emotional impact in terms of my anxiety and anger levels was extreme compared to any likely impact I could have on the situation.

It is one example of the numerous times I have fought against situations that are beyond my control or abilities. Having, been overwhelmed by a feeling of weariness and its associated thought, 'I'm so weary of fighting', I focused on the dishes I was washing and came to the conclusion that I should just 'stop fighting'.

Once again, I have learned another aspect of Radical Acceptance and its importance in helping me to manage the emotional impact of the world around me. I cannot stop my elderly parents from declining in health, I cannot control the outcome of the coming election, I cannot even predict whether or not I am likely to be soaked by rain on my daily dog walks. The only things I can do, is care as much as I can for my parents, use my vote in May to make my choice and ensure that when I do go outside I am prepared with the right clothes for the weather in that moment.

Radical Acceptance means that I need to recognise when I should be Weeble-like, when I should and could fight against injustice. Through my involvement as a Mental Health volunteer I have been able in small ways to help in situations where the environment is not too powerful for me to have an effect. Long ago, during a period working alongside displaced people, in refugee camps in Africa I became overwhelmed by the suffering and need around me every day, as well as the relatively short time and few resources we had to make any impact. A very experienced NGO worker talked to me about how you get it in perspective without such suffering overwhelming us. It may sound trite, but in that context it helped me refocus my efforts into an individual, case by case way of seeing my way through an environment which was far and away the most powerful environment I had encountered at that time: 'You may not be able to change the world, but you can try to change the world for one person.'

If I keep seeing my life as a whole campaign of war, rather than separate battles, some of which are behind me, then it follows that I will always feel as if I am fighting. When I feel that I have to sort my whole life out, and, while I'm at it, to stop all the injustices in the world around me, then it is hardly surprising that I often feel overwhelmed.

Radical Acceptance tells me that I can keep banging my fists against the wall, or accept that it is there, is too big for me to batter, but maybe if I stop fighting and take a step back I may be able to see a door or gap in it, which will allow me through. Or, and this is the most radical thought of all, maybe if I stop fighting against its existence, I can find a way to live with it. I think my attitude to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) has been like that. For most of my life I applied the weeble principle to my emotional storms. Because storms come and go, this worked for a time. Until, I found myself faced with environments, people and situations that were too powerful for me to overcome.

Let's face it, I am not a superhero, I'm not even a true Weeble. Sometimes I do fall down. That's okay because who wants to have an egg shaped bottom.

Water - the neglected Element?

As I recall - and I could be mistaken because it has been some decades - at school I was taught that the human body is 70% water. Whatever the accurate proportion, water and how I use it has to be an essential part of how I care for myself physically. I cannot survive without it. What about the part water has to play in my mental health? For me it is one thing that is easy to overlook, but in terms of managing my moods it is one of the most basic, and the most important things to get right.

Am I thirsty, or losing control of my mood? We readily recognise the impact food, or lack of it, or too much of it, or the wrong quality has on our moods. We are quick to notice when hunger is bringing our mood down, or the impact sugar has on quickly giving us a 'high'. Too often in the past, I didn't notice that being thirsty has a major impact on my low moods. I have found that I need to drink a minimum of 3 litres of non caffeinated fluids a day so that I remain relatively stable in my moods. I don't know why, except to understand that the description of emotionally sensitive indicates that those things in my environment or physical being which affect my moods and emotions are likely to have a bigger impact on me than the average 'bear'. I start my day with a pint glass full of squash - I marry this with my medications prior to breakfast and is one of my essential routines. When out for a coffee or having lunch I will buy a bottle of water or ask for tap water along with my hot drinks. I am able to notice when I haven't had enough to drink during the day and make use of a wide range of sugar free squashes to keep my water intake steady.

So far, so internal. What about how we use water to soothe and manage difficult moods. I learned to swim when I was three. Was a competitive swimmer from the age of six, I am supremely confident and comfortable in and around water. Here are some ways that I've used water to manage difficult emotions.

1. Mindful Showering and Washing. Noticing the feel, temperature and effects of the water on my skin. This is a self soothing activity for me, particularly when coupled with aromatherapy shower gels and bath cremes/bubbles.

2. Changing Temperature to Manage Distress Tolerance. In a similar way in which some use ice cubes, I have used changes in my bath temperature to help me overcome self harm impulses. The process of running the bath mindfully allows me time to notice the intensity of the impulses and to give myself 'time out' to allow them to subside. I will run the bath as hot as I can stand it - the shock to the system, 'wakens' me away from the internal pain. When I am fully immersed I let a certain amount of the hot water out of the bath before running cold water in. This allows me to notice the waves of cold water mixing in with the hot. Again, doing so mindfully focuses me in the here and now and creates a distraction from the emotional pain. For those for whom baths can be triggering the basic principle of switching between hot and cold can be used in a shower, or by running tap water over the inside of your wrists. This is something I learned to do when working in Africa - it is a quick way to cool yourself down! If you have the time and access, as a luxurious self care treat visit a Turkish Baths (there is an excellent council owned one in Harrogate), you don't have to book in for expensive massages, but can enjoy the simple process of hot steam rooms followed by freezing cold showers, or plunge pools. It is amazingly relaxing. The fact that the steam is infused with eucaplyptus and other aromatherapy oils, means you leave with skin that feels around 10 years younger!

3. Swimming. As I have said I am supremely comfortable in water, I can happily plough up and down the pool, as much as runners can enjoy running for miles. I can also relax by simply floating - something I learned so early I don't remember never being able to just lie on top of the water. On sunny holidays I more likely to be found floating in the water than lying by the side of the pool or on the beach. I also enjoy immersing myself completely so that all sound is drowned out. It's peaceful at the bottom of the pool. The rhythms of swimming are excellent ways to practice mindful breathing. I find that swimming allows me to both exercise and release tension - so much so that it's hard to stay awake after. I am certainly more relaxed that after other forms of exercise.

4. Get used to it. Not everyone is at home in water as much as me. If this is you, try to enjoy the same sensations by observing drops of water on the back of your hand. Watch the different directions it may run each time and try to do so using the principles of mindfulness.