I still have them. Days when for no reason an overwhelming sense of grief sits on my heart. Now, I am aware of the deep source of the grief. Now, I can say 'this too will pass'. It doesn't make it any less painful to live with. Nor does it suddenly make it 'all right'.
On these days I need to remind myself that I need to be kind to me. I tell it to others and I believe it. My biggest problem remains an underlying belief that ultimately, I am not worth caring for. That somehow, somewhere in my history is a reason, a factor in me that means I deserve the suffering I have lived through. I carry the emotional hangover of the survivor of abuse, the belief, that somehow, somewhere in my past I must have done something bad.
Because this has been a lifelong belief which has resulted in self hatred and the behaviours which have made shipwreck of important moments and relationships in my life, I still have battles to fight. Today is one of those battles.
Unlike other days which I used to fear would stretch into the rest of my life, I am learning that this day is not all the days of my life. This day can be measured and will end. Today, the overwhelming sadness and grief comes in waves, in moments. I am becoming more aware of this as I recover.
So, here it is another day of painful emotions. Today, I will be mostly looking after me. That includes eating bacon butties, watching trashy TV, taking my time over my shower, and most of all not berating myself for grief and painful emotions which come from having lived through and survived some very difficult events. Most of all, this day and these emotions are not the whole of my story. This pain means that when I have a different day, a better day, it can shine even more brightly. Today, if I can be kind to myself I am replacing another more painful moment from my past and I am able to say, I am worth caring for.