So, THAT happened

As I write I've reached the end of another year, 2020. I know that is has been 'challenging' in so many ways for so many people. You will have noticed that once again this is the first article in a very long time and to be honest with you the reason for that is because once again, I have been reminded of my frailty, physically and emotionally. In short, I don't remember much of September and October because on 11th September, I suffered a stroke and was rushed to hospital. I am told I was found in my bedroom with my dog lying beside me. Friends had been trying to contact for nearly 24 hours and the police had to break into my house so the ambulance crew could get in.

The fact is, I don't remember anything before I awoke in the Stroke Rehab Unit of my local hospital in mid October, but my friends and family unfortunately are only too aware of what they watched me go through as I survived first the ICU and then the move to Rehab, all the time wondering if I would ever a) wake up b) be able to speak c) walk again. In the end I have been unaware completely, except for some seemingly vivid dreams of having to be manhandled around the wards, or being woken and becoming agitated. I have remained oblivious of the seriousness of my condition at that time. I remember the week before the stroke feeling dizzy and unwell with a stubborn headache which refused to shift. On the day before I walked the dog for four miles and remember returning home and phoning a friend because I was worried by the headaches. I don't remember our final conversation which worried her. But I must have gone upstairs feeling ill and gone to my bed. I know I have written often about recovery in terms of mental health, but never did I expect to put my DBT skills to such direct use in addressing a life threatening condition and beginning the slow process of addressing aspects of my lifestyle which had led to a clot on the brain. However, first in coping with the trauma of a near death experience and then in beginning to acknowledge (accept) what behaviours and habits I needed to change I found that those skills I have been using since 2011 when I was first diagnosed have been so helpful in guiding me through all the competing thoughts and medical opinions. Above all, my experience has confirmed my personal faith in a God who never felt so real to me than when I was reflecting in my hospital bed on how miraculous my recoery has been. I know that I was surrounded by so much love and so many prayers for my life and recovery that I can only conclude that 'someone' answered. That is my personal conviction and I know that the character that has been built over the earlier decades of my life brings me hope for the future. Covid, naturally was a big part of the hospital experience as first on the ward, then in a Old People's Home where I went to finish my recuperation, people started to test positive and this, in reality was as close as I'd come this year to the pandemic. As a result of my experiences this year I find myself reassessing my prioritising of job hunting and the stress and pressure I've put on myself to comply with society's pressures to make my life 'worthwhile'. I now need to learn to value my worth in terms of the quality of my relationships and judging from the wonderful response of those I love the most, I am worth caring for = in the words of a mug a received this Christmas - I am loved outrageously!