Misplaced and excessive expectations can cause increased distress and emotional pain at any time, but never more so than in our yearly build up to Christmas and New Year celebrations.
For the past few years I have abandoned the frankly masochistic practice of setting resolutions - why do we have to become abstemious and self denying, immediately assuming we can rid ourselves of all the behaviours which cause us untold misery over years at the stroke of midnight on the 31st of December each year? Was it Einstein who said that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, expecting a different result?
So, now I tend to adjust expectations - a bit like the Team GB Cycling Team - I now aim for 'marginal gains' making small adjustments to how I've been doing things over the past year. Looking back at my path on recovery I recognise that I have changed so many of my habits and behaviours and honestly I can say that I am in a better place this year than last. Doesn't mean that everything is hunky dory or that the past year hasn't had its battles or disappointments.
What expectations do I have for 2018?
1. For Myself. Setting unrealistic goals for myself has put unnecessary pressure on me over the years. Aspiration is all very well, but honestly, I believe that expecting myself to be perfect, to hold myself to a higher standard than I have for others has meant that a significant level of anxiety has been a constant in my life. So I need to adjust my expectations.
I am living with a condition (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) which means that my emotional stability is constantly adjusting to changes in my circumstances, my body, my nutrition, the presence of other people, the absence of other people, making plans, too much work, too little work etc. This means that I quickly become exhausted if I do not 'give myself a break'. I have had to adjust my expectation that I can keep on going without any regard for my own emotional and physical needs. In the past this has led me to experience repeating cycles of recovery, giving out too much, for too long and ending up exhausted and unable to function.
I now recognise that helping others requires me to look after myself as much as I care for others. Part of the healing process is accepting that I need to be cared for in order to care for others. I cannot expect to feel connected to others by either keeping myself locked away so I do not become exhausted or becoming unreliable as a friend because I wear myself out by giving out when I have run out of emotional resources. The goals I set for myself will be helpful if I keep an eye on my limits, my realistic strengths and my need to care for myself as well as others.
2. For Others When feeling intense emotional distress it is easy to expect way too much of others. In particular, I have demanded of professionals and my friends the impossible. No human being can remove my past from me, no human being can undo the harm done to me. I think sometimes within a service which is free at the point of delivery, we have expectations of staff which are not humanly possible.
If I have waited nearly a year for a treatment, there is a sense in which I expect that on day one the therapist will wave a magic wand and all the emotional turmoil and sense of emptiness will disappear. In black and white that is clearly unfair, and if you presented me with this as an objective observation I would be shocked and deny it as an expectation. However, the reality is that sometimes my anger and frustration has been directed at those who are seeking to help me, simply because deep down my expectation is that they SHOULD be able to stop me from feeling so much pain. I have often created barriers and 'tests' which have become self fulfilling prophesies as I maintained my expectation and belief that 'No one can cope with me' and 'I am incapable of being loved and giving love'. Of course people give up when they are pushed to their limits and beyond. Unrealistic expectations result in the very rejection I always fear and, ironically, expect.
Adjusting my expectations means that the limits of the therapeutic relationship and friendship which maintain effective connection can provide a stable framework in which they can survive my emotional storms. Friends and therapists alike have their limits. I have no right to expect a friend to carry the burden of my past hurts or my present struggles. A friend is someone who walks alongside - no one - not even in the most intimate of relationships can actually live my pain for me. The therapist is there as a sounding board, not a whipping boy, as a guide, or coach. They are not a fount of all knowledge, nor are they able to 'prescribe' chemicals which can remove every painful emotion or memory. In a sense, because I have survived the actual events, the emotional pain and distress I continue to feel are the 'aftershocks'. I have the strength to deal with them, I do not have to inflict the same distress on my friends or my therapist in order for them to come alongside and help me cope in the here and now.
The most pervasive expectation I have had has been that of the 'perfect relationship'. If my loved one really understood and loved me, they would know at every moment exactly what is happening emotionally to me. They would be so entwined with me that they would be able to read my mind. Most destructive of all is the expectation that if my partner loves me 'enough' then all the pain and emptiness inside from my early experiences, coupled with my physiological make up would end. Man, what a burden to put on any relationship let alone any individual. Often, this impossible expectation is coupled with the twin one of myself, ie that no matter how self destructive to me, I will do anything to 'prove' my love. Sometimes, this toxic combination has resulted in abusive relationships which have perpetuated the destructive experiences of trauma in the past. Adjusting my expectations to taking responsibility for my own emotional balance allows me to enjoy connection and relationships which are not burdened by unrealistic expectations. Accepting that our shared humanity means we all have our limits allows greater honesty and more secure relationships.
3. For Life Life is tough. For everyone. When we are at our lowest we often assume, wrongly, that everyone else and everything else is experiencing a life that is so much more than our own. The reality is that most of life is boring when people are not dealing with crisis or enjoying high points. Often I have assumed that no one else is struggling to extent that I am. It is a symptom of emotional struggles that we fail to perceive the daily grind of most people. No one exists on mountaintops in terms of their life experience. Mountains stand out because the terrain around them is lower. The lives and experiences of others we think are better, stand out because of the relative 'normalness' of those around them. I do not know what other people's experience is of life, nor can I tell anyone else what a meaningful existence consists of. I can only decide that for myself. I cannot possibly compare myself or my feelings about life to another. There are too many variables in our comparative experiences. Nor do I have a right to judge another person for struggling, particularly if I expect that their life experience has been 'easier' than mine. I have no right to call another person's mountain a molehill. Accepting myself and the life I am living as unique to me, without comparing it that of others means that my expectations of my own life shift and don't suffer in comparison. This means that material and physical circumstances become less vital to my expectations of life.
