Taking the 'PIP'

Two weeks notice then I lose a third of my welfare payments. It is the promised one third cut to disability payments as a result of the ongoing welfare reforms. Those who have followed this blog for any length of time will be aware that the first half of this year was dominated by the Work Capability Assessment (WCA) to decide whether I would be placed on the 'work' or 'support' version of Employment Support Allowance (ESA). The work based group received 33% less income and claimants are required to adhere to a punitive and cruel regime of seeking work and attending work related activity - as they have been deemed 'fit for work'. If they fail to adhere to arbitrary rules such as not being on time for appointments at the Job Centre ('on time' means even five minutes late, regardless of the circumstances) results in immediate 'sanction' - or suspension of payment of ESA ie the person being sanctioned has no income at all (it is estimated that thousands of individuals have died as a result of ill health following being assessed as 'fit for work' and nearly 60 suicides were attributed to the impact of the WCA and sanctions in the past three years).

Due to a deterioration in my mental health as a result of the pressures and anxieties around the inhuman WCA I was referred by my GP for assessment by the local Mental Health Services crisis team. Due to my presentation and the evidence presented from my medical records I was placed in the support group. This took place between February and July 2016.

By August I was beginning to stabilise and return to my recovery path, when I received a form to apply for Personal Independence Payments (PIP) as my Disability Living Allowance (DLA) was due to run out. Once again into the damaging cycle of trying to present the most accurate evidence of my condition and how it affects me on a day to day basis. To help those who are confused by this array of different 'benefits'. ESA is usually based on your national insurance contributions, and is a basic income. DLA was a payment (even if you were working) which was designed to help people meet the additional costs related to their disability. For me, it helped me remain in work for two years but on part time hours. It also meant I could maintain the cost of keeping a car which also enabled me to remain in work. PIP is designed to replace DLA.

When assessed for the WCA I was assessed by someone who clearly had training and experience of working within Mental Health Services. The questions related to my condition and the difficulties I faced in trying to get appropriate work. Although the process was highly distressing and resulted in a referral to crisis care, myself and my friend, who accompanied me felt the assessor did her best within a flawed system.

The PIP assessment was carried out by someone who by his own admission knew 'nothing about mental illness'. In particular when I asked him about his knowledge of mood disorders such as Bipolar and Personality Disorders and the similarity, differences and impact of their symptoms again he admitted his ignorance. But in the end it didn't matter because a PIP assessor's ability to deviate from the onscreen form which clearly is much more limited than necessary particularly in regard mental health conditions, is negligible. On the day of the assessment I had reached the end of a week long period during which I had suffered three or more severe migraine attacks due to the level of anxiety triggered by my receipt of the letter informing me of the date of the assessment. Given the levels of distress and relapse encountered earlier in the year I struggled to manage my worst anxiety symptoms. This included disrupted sleep through several nights of nausea and vomiting. Due to the threats of immediate loss of DLA payments if I missed the assessment and having used up my one opportunity to rearrange the original date so that my friend could accompany me, I had no option but to take all of the medication I needed to be able to at least function on a basic level.

Unlike the WCA assessment during which I was tearful and extremely distressed, I appeared, no doubt like a zombie in the PIP assessment. Despite myself and my friend explaining the impact of the WCA assessment on my mental health and my current consumption of beta blockers and migraine meds to manage anxiety symptoms, I was informed in the decision letter that he assessed me as 'presenting no visible signs of anxiety'!

I provided exactly the same level and quality of evidence in my written form as well as my answers to his questions, as the WCA interview, yet the outcome was not only vastly different, it actually resulted in an assessment of 'no need assessed'. This despite my explanation of the importance of being able to maintain access to my own transport in order to maintain friendships and stop isolation, as well as helping me to perhaps make money from tutoring when I felt well enough, as well as my concerns about creeping obesity as a result of my deteriorating emotional stability. I was unable to complete the cognition tests as a result of the migraine and beta blocker medication slowing my thought processes and as a result me becoming tearful and distressed because I couldn't complete a simple maths test. Instead of noting this down, he informed me that he had decided not to report my difficulties as it meant he would have to inform DVLA and could result in a loss of my driving licence. I accepted this at face value, but on reflection, this was a distortion of my presentation during the assessment and therefore, proved detrimental to my PIP application.

(Below is a graphic from information for candidates for PIP assessor roles published by Capita one of the larger private companies currently contracted to carry out assessments)

Initially, given that I have now spent the best part of a year dealing with the DWP assessing my mental health, a process which has severely disrupted recovery from long term mental health issues, I could not face anymore dealings with them. However, having found out the result and read the decision letter an NHS support worker has encouraged to go through the appeals process. This will be slow, probably take up to a year to complete and meantime I have to reduce my budget to an even lower level. I am in a better position than most, in some ways, as having a mortgage means that my monthly housing costs are lower than those who rent. However, ironically, if I were renting, I would have my house paid for entirely, so would not have to find monthly housing costs out of my much reduced income.

I have lost my car, which means that my access to paid work which will allow me to continue to manage my symptoms is even more limited as a result of this decision.

Given that I struggle on a daily basis to maintain a level of emotional stability, the uncertainty of nearly a year with my income being threatened has been unhelpful to say the least. Most of all, I am weary of the struggle. Yet, I know that having been able to work for nearly forty years, I have more resources than some. I have supportive family and friends who do not belittle me or ignore my value, because I have been struggling with this condition. I am aware that such understanding is a small oasis in a desert devoid of compassion or care for those we used to consider our neighbours. I have observed as the country I live in has descended into a morass of fear induced bigotry and ignorance of the needs and lives of others, particularly those in need.

It is painful to realise that the impact of Brexit has not caused much of a ripple in our wider media debate until people's own pockets and personal comfort was threatened by price rises to Marmite and Pot Noodle. My biggest fear was the loss of a protector bigger than the current cabinet and previous cabinet who have been prepared to impose austerity on the most vulnerable in our nation, in the name of paying down the deficit. Something, they have failed singularly to do. Without the EU there is nothing to stop the current government from pushing through the abolition of the Human Rights Act so that they cannot be challenged legally over erosion of disability rights.

Brexit was always more complex than the puerile sound bite farago which was foisted upon us as a nation. Unfortunately, some of those who hope that leaving the EU behind will solve all problems of poverty and inequality in this country will be sorely disappointed. The government voted into power in 2010 have deliberately targeted disabled people, over those of pension age, £9,000,000,000,000 is the current state pensions and other age related benefits bill. IDS stated in a recent documentary that it was a deliberate political and electoral decision. Think about that, we have voted twice for a government which has deliberately and carefully CHOSEN to take money from the most vulnerable in order to obtain and retain power. I know I need to be cynical, I know I need a thicker skin, but it actively hurts to think that the majority of fellow voters have also CHOSEN to vote for self preservation over collective good and battling the winds of economic and national storms together.

In order to manage to cope with the prevailing mood and rhetoric from the UK and the USA I have to retreat into box sets and pray for a change of heart in our government and nation.

I know I have written a long piece, and I am grateful if you have read this far. It is a way of explaining my lack of posts over the past year. I hope that it gives some small window into the reality of so many people. Not everyone has the platform or skills to be able to articulate the impact of PIP and WCA. Very easy for some newspapers and political party to dismiss. All I ask is for someone to speak up on our behalf. Surely our country is better than this?

Words (and their impact on Recovery)

'The verb is 'to crown'!' As I write I am shouting at a journalist, supposedly an artful practitioner of our language, telling me that someone is on in the process of being 'coronated'! Grrrrr. I would not call myself a grammatical tyrant, but really folks, English is so difficult to learn as a foreign language, precisely because we can carefully choose the words we want to use in any given context. I used to liken grammar to a train. It makes sense if you label in a very specific way... anyway I'm not about to launch into a Year 7 parts of speech lesson, although I have had a hankering for teaching recently. Anyway, the main thrust for my imagery was to convey to the children that how we structure our words is vital to helping us become really good at communicating what is in our heads to the world around us.

Of course as we grow older we find that not only have we left the childish belief that 'words can never hurt me' behind us, but we realise there are certain words which not only convey an idea, but can be loaded with judgement. Words like, 'unemployed', 'mentally ill', 'immigrant'carry with them sometimes very dark judgements, mostly about people who have a different background or experience to us.

One thing I have noticed as I have continued on my recovery journey, is that I am now more sensitive to certain words and, as a result, they can have a devastating impact on my emotions, often triggering feelings of failure. Sometimes it's a single word, at others it's a well worn phrase, or a sentence. Here is a selection:

Relapse. When I was working with drug users in recovery there was much discussion around 'lapses' and 'relapses'. Our mantra was 'a lapse is not a relapse...' I have found that when I face struggles in recovery from my emotional issues everyone refers just to a 'relapse' which to me means failure, going back to square one, letting myself and everyone else down. One word, but so much weight of judgement. I have combatted this by dropping the 're' and saying to myself 'a lapse is not a relapse' A lapse means that I have been overwhelmed by a moment, it is a temporary setback, recoverable. I can reset myself from a lapse. To me, for a relapse to happen means I have needed more extensive outside help to recover from out of control emotions and/or I have reverted to using self defeating coping mechanisms. It may seem a small thing, but the addition of a prefix totally changes my reactions and/or actions to recover again.

Mental Illness/Condition/Issues: I could call what I battle with, 'bagel', that way I can totally avoid judgements being loaded on me by others who have interpreted what suffering from a Mental Health Condition means. The problem is that without giving you my history and context the word is out of place and therefore fails to convey the ideas I am seeking to communicate. Hence it is problematic if I launch into my story by telling you that 'I was diagnosed with 'bagel' in 2011'. Sometimes I have the choice to ignore other people's judgements and values applied to certain labels and choose to redefine them for myself. If I believe that mental health conditions are just the same as physical health conditions, then why wouldn't I be willing to use commonly used phrases which are basically descriptive. The best way to tackle stigma is to introduce the ignorant to human reality. It is powerful to stand in front of a room and be able to admit that I struggle with my emotions and sometimes my thinking becomes clouded as a result. Particularly in recovery this can be more productive for me than focusing on trying to change people's use of specific words - why not simply introduce them to the person they avoid behind the labels?

Vulnerable v Fragile. One thing I heard through the DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) programme was that although I may be emotionally vulnerable at times, I am not fragile. There is a song by Julia Fordham called 'Porcelain' and it expresses that frustration women often have when treated as 'weak', needful of protection. I know there is a paradox here. It is nice to be looked after, to know that people care for our needs. I guess there is a line, maybe it's similar to the one some relationships cross when 'protective' becomes 'possessive'. There is a sense of smothering, of not being trusted to be an adult, a loss of independence. I think there is an element of seeing patients as 'fragile' which contributes to the environments in Mental Health services which create dependence and that thorny little issue of 'learned helplessness'. Granted there are times when it would lovely to have a white knight swoop me up into his strong arms while he whisks me away from my daily grind and struggles. Except, those moments are really meant to stay in my childhood stories and now, sometimes in the cinema. Most importantly, for my ongoing recovery, to see myself as having vulnerabilities without being 'fragile' is important to giving me a sense of control over my life and more especially, my emotions. My goodness, if my experiences in life have not shattered me, there must be a core of steel in there somewhere. I may be a product of my past experiences, but I am no longer their prisoner.

The issues around Mental Health Stigma are part of a wider demonising and marginalising of certain groups nationally and internationally. I do listen to Donald Trump and worry that he is so oblivious to the power of words, particularly when conveying vacuous and bigoted ideas. In the end no word is an empty vessel, I need not only to take heed of my internal judgements, but also the fact that those who hear my words carry their own history which affects their interpretation of what I am saying.

Perhaps, the conclusion to my reflections here is that I should remind myself to hear what is behind others' words, as much as I expect others to move beyond their own (narrow) definitions of mine. Maybe we all need to take time to get to know people as people, take the pre-judgement out of our interactions. I know, I am Canute and the waves of words flooding our public spaces is the sea coming in around my feet. Only place I can start is here.

On Superheroes, Mindreading and BPD

I have just completed a week in which I transformed myself into a superhero. The hardest part was to come up with my 'superpower' - in the end I opted for the title 'SuperConfused' with my super power being the ability to sow confusion wherever I went. It was quite a wheeze! In case you're wondering, it wasn't an experimental therapy option being trialled near me, it was in pursuit of entertaining 30 odd (sometimes in both meanings of the word) children aged 5-11 for a week of the summer holidays. Yes, I know volunteering is a funny old world!

I'm a reflective soul. Some may call it navel gazing, but occasionally, it yields positive fruit. This time my reflection led me to the realisation that I have been living a double life as myself and my alter ego, the Amazing Mind Reading Woman. This came out most clearly during an overseas holiday in the company of my family and some friends in July.

I have written a previous blog about some aspects of this alongside the phenomenon known as 'Apparent Competence': http://bpdlifeinthemoment.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/caught-between-two-minds-problem-of.html

Mind Reading as a feature of the symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) will be familiar to anyone living with or seeking to support someone who is emotionally sensitive. There are a number of aspects to this superpower of mine.

1) I know exactly what everyone is thinking about me. Especially when I am feeling stressed and/or emotionally vulnerable this 'superpower' is at its most potent. You see, I know that everyone around me is judging me and at times, loathing me, because that is what I am feeling and thinking about myself, and, my reasoning (confused by the power of emotional waves crashing over me) is that in that moment everyone around me can see right into my rotten core. It is a feeling of emotional and mental nakedness and can appear like paranoia, but in that moment I can have such belief in my mind reading 'abilities' that reassurances will seem to be 'flannel' and so much nonsense, as no one can possibly not recognise what I recognise about myself in those moments. Of course you have to be thinking that. If you struggle to understand the power of this 'ability' think about the number of times you have attributed motives and emotions to inanimate objects as well as total strangers: 'That lamp-post deliberately jumped out of nowhere and hit me smack in the face.' Or 'That driver in the fast lane thinks he's so much better than me, I'll show him.' Ok, so much nonsense which can be easily reasoned away. What if that level of conviction about the ability to see into others motives and thoughts is coupled with the most powerful of negative emotions?

How do we make sense of the world?

It is my understanding that we begin with our physical senses, sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell. We build up an understanding of the world around us through these physical experiences. So far, so simple. Through time we build up a bank of sights, smells, tastes, sounds as our experiences widen. What if we couple these experiences with emotions. For example, sights (a beach), tastes (ice cream, chips) coupled with a feeling (happiness) means that I can evoke a visual memory of happiness just by walking by a chip shop. What if our sense of what we perceive around us is affected by negative emotions? It follows that our emotions lead and overwhelm our physical senses of what is going on in the present moment, so whilst others around us may be oblivious to our internal meltdown, we are living the equivalent emotional response of a disaster movie. While most people may experience the same stressful situation as me, both their immediate response and the length of time it takes to recover from the feelings of anxiety and stress will not be as powerful nor last as long. So, within a couple of hours of missing a flight all my travel companions can be asleep, while I remain wide awake while adrenaline courses round my body, reignited by catastrophising thoughts and heightened emotions. Paranoia about the different experiences between me and my friends, triggers my mind reading tendencies which may continue for several days as I perceive judgement and disapproval - an echo of my own thoughts about myself.

2) All the Bad things in the World are centred on Me One of the paradoxes of low self esteem is that I can convince myself that everything bad that happens is because of something I have thought or done. How's that for a superpower? This sometimes links into my ability to read minds in that I assume everyone will be blaming me. I have apologised for a stormy day before now. Either this is faulty thinking deeply affected by overwhelming feelings of unwarranted guilt, or I am suffering from some as yet undiagnosed form of megalomania!

3) If YOU cared for Me/Were any Good at YOUR Job, you would be able to read my mind! This is the part of my superhero persona which, I think, provokes fear and loathing in others. I will sit at home, or in your office, A&E, wherever, in abject distress and expect you to work out a) how far down I am feeling b) if you should intervene c) how you can help me. Most of the time I am so overwhelmed with distress that all I want to happen is for it to stop. This I know is daunting to anyone dealing with me in these moments. How much of a risk am I to myself/others/you? For me, that answer is, just help me feel safe until the feelings pass.

I've written before of how challenging my behaviour could become in the past with mental health professionals who I had a habit of 'testing'. This resulted in me presenting as functioning on all evident levels, but expecting those trying to help me to be able to read what was going on, under the surface. 'Failure' would result in me going away and pressing self destruct in some more 'obvious' way. Deeply unfair, and likely to perpetuate the feeling of being manipulated by me. For me, those who managed to get past this stage were those who were able to take time to listen, who were allowed to assess me over a period of time and, above all, those who were honest about their limits. 'No one can change your past hurts.', 'I can't stop you feeling this bad about life', 'life sucks'. Reality and honesty have been the best tools used in helping me build therapeutic relationships.

In friendships and relationships I am challenging to love to say the least. My silence can be a gauntlet thrown down to challenge you to demonstrate a) how much patience you have b) how much you really love me, especially when I am not communicating c) Whether all the failed and failing relationships of the past, are really in the past, or if I can push you to reject me too. As with the professionals who have had to work with me, I can expect you to be able to read my mind. In the end, sticking to boundaries and being consistently straight and practical is better than joining me in my emotional morass.

Thankfully, I have not lost any friends for a number of years, either I've changed or people are more accepting of me. Another, thing that has changed is that I no longer tolerate 'bad' friendships or relationships which are not good for me or my emotional health. I don't have to invest in damaging relationships for fear they will be the only people who could care for me.... recognising that any level of abusive behaviour, does not constitute love. Actions do speak louder than words where this is concerned!

How do I get myself out of the Mind Reading loop?

1) Stop the physical symptoms of anxiety/anger. There are a number of techniques which have helped. The one tool I carry with me all the time is my breathing. If I can slow myself down by practising mindful breathing, this helps me regain control of my emotional responses. Another technique which is more of an immediate shock to bring my heartrate down is to plunge the whole of my face (right to the edge of my ears) into freezing cold water. If there isn't the means to do this, it helps to carry a freeze pack in my handbag which when held to my eyes for up to two minutes (or as long as I can stand it), has the same immediate effect.

2) Use my Senses to focus on my immediate surroundings. It helps to maybe suck a sweet and focus on the sensations, taste etc.

3) Identify the feelings. If I can name them, I have a number of DBT strategies I can use to manage them, until they subside.

4) If I have a relationship of trust, check out the reality of my beliefs about what others are thinking.

The times when I find myself mind reading have lessened over the past few years. However, life has unexpected twists and turns and sudden changes/crises may result in me assuming the superhero in me must be right about what is going on in your head. Every now and then I need to be remember that superheroes are for comic books and that I am not the Centre of the Universe, nor am I the Carbuncle of the Cosmos around which everyone and everything revolves - which means I am not personally responsible for tornadoes in Oklahoma, or the dodgy schedules of international airlines!

The WCA, My Recovery and Me (Part Two)

Two months after the upset caused by the process of filling in and sending off the form (ESA50) (http://bpdlifeinthemoment.blogspot.co.uk/2016/04/the-wca-my-recovery-and-me.html) and five months after the initial letter landed on my doorstep, another official envelope arrived instructing me to attend my 'face to face assessment'. I had two weeks notice. I do not feel like reliving the experience of the assessment here. I have previously explained the impact of the WCA process on my emotional stability. Given the length of time taken from the start of the process to the actual assessment itself along with the usual day to day pressures and some pressures related to having elderly infirm parents, struggling financially, having plans to work towards more long term income solutions fall through, it is hardly surprising that I have found myself in a period of 'relapse' and was referred to the Crisis Team. Thankfully, the support and skills I have worked hard to develop kicked in and I have not had to have any further referrals to Mental Health Services.

I remain emotionally vulnerable and raw. I am moving myself back to the basics of recovery which helped me to get this far. I don't have the emotional wherewithal to explore the emotional fallout of the assessment, which was two weeks ago now. I do however, have some observations to make about a process which is not fit for purpose. For those implementing it and those of us with the misfortune to have to rely on any support resulting from it, should we be found not to be selfish, malingering, charlatans.

1) My assessor was as helpful and compassionate as she could be under the circumstances. This reinforced how ill conceived the WCA process is. She was faced with the emotional outpourings of both me and my friend, who attended, thankfully, to support me. We encountered at least one person in the waiting room in absolute distress, but with no company and the assessor seeing her off with just a tissue and some kind words. Who, I wonder, has to pick up the pieces?

2) The first letter arrived at my home at the end of January. It is now Midsummer's Eve and the process is still not complete - I anticipate I will get a decision some time in July. Should I be placed on the Work Related Activity (WRAG) ESA Group I will immediately lose £30 per week and be forced to undergo endless applications for jobs which are ill suited to me or my skills and experience, or risk losing all financial support through sanctions. If I choose to appeal (which we are officially told takes six months, but in practice takes much longer) all payments will be suspended pending the outcome - the DWP has now recruited and paid for a team legal experts to fight these appeals as they were losing at a rate of 85% of decisions being overturned on appeal. This is not about saving money or becoming more efficient or encouraging people like me to be confident enough to return to full time employment, but about dismantling a key component of our welfare system.

3) I am due to undergo the same process from November for the Personal Independence Payments (PIP) which are due to replace my current Disability Living Allowance. At this rate, my 'review' of benefits will have taken well over a year to complete. It has already set back my recovery and my progress towards meaningful employment, by at least three months. My question is, given there are two teams situated in the same building in my local county town, why am I going to have to complete exactly the same questions, provide exactly the same information about exactly the same conditions (albeit a few months later) for payments which have historically been inextricably linked, given that one (DLA) results from the assessment of physical and mental needs performed when applying for or reviewing. Once again, I am forced to conclude that the DWP are prepared to go through the tendering of contracts, with the costs that go with it, invest in putting those with disabilities through a system which is designed to 'test you to destruction' as my friend observed, in a bid to 'root out' malingerers.

There has to be a better way. When Benefit Fraud accounts for less than 1% of the Welfare Bill, when disability benefits are a tiny fraction of the total welfare budget compared to the State Pension and Tax Credits; just because I can be easily dismissed as 'emotionally unstable','mentally ill' - an outsider, does not mean that I and others struggling with long term, complex mental illness do not deserve better.

Bridging the Gulf

I was in a crowded room. I knew a large number of people there. I had managed some conversations and got myself a cup of tea. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by an all pervading sense of alienation and aloneness. I have experienced such floods of negative emotions nearly all my life. The sense of being an alien, of being locked inside a glass prison unable to make myself heard or understood, is one that is familiar to me. As I sat there, I had a choice to stay and front it out, as I have done so many times before, or to make what I consider a 'tactical retreat'. Although leaving difficult situations in panic has been a response I have often used in the past, this time was different.

Last week I was having a conversation with someone about the sense of isolation and overwhelming sense of emptiness experienced by people with my diagnosis and symptoms. She too has experienced these feelings, but would make herself get involved in groups of people and 'do' things. I think there is a right time to do that, for me. But yesterday was different. I have had a week of giving out to a lot of people in different contexts. In order for me to be able to regulate my emotions I need to be able to identify them. When I am tired I find my ability to feel anything is impaired because it takes so much energy to manage any emotions. Numbness is easier to manage, but clearly, makes it difficult to function at any social level. Over the past couple of weeks I have recognised that I was lapsing into numbness, because, for me I had had too much general human contact with a wide range of people, some of whom I struggled to connect with. I retreat into numbness when I am in a group of people and I am beginning to feel overwhelmed by my emotions.

Essentially, in the past couple of weeks I have not experienced negative emotions, but around people I am deeply uncertain about my ability to read other people and my acceptance in their groups - fear of rejection is an emotion often in the background, particularly when I am feeling uncertain or vulnerable.

I work hard at recognising and responding to emotional signals. Something most people take for granted. The development of my emotional abilities was fractured due to my experiences in childhood, this coupled with the emotional amplifier in my brain which means that all of my emotional responses are in dolby-surround-sound and full glorious HD technicolour, means I do need respite from being around people. I am happiest when I am on my own. That may come as a surprise to many who know me, because I have learned throughout my life, and from many embarrassing mistakes, how to behave around people. Again, it is not something which came easily to me, I would describe myself as a quiet, almost shy child. The sense of being an alien was ever present. One of my family nicknames was 'Moon-man'. Another was 'Droopy' after the little depressed dog, who when he got mad, he got 'real mad' - my angry outbursts were epic!

Emotions are exhausting for me, even with the DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) Emotion Regulation skills which help me maintain equilibrium most of the time. Today, I am back on an even keel. Here's what I did.

1. I gave myself a break. Yesterday was not a day to challenge myself to stay in a difficult situation. It takes self compassion to know when I need to accept things as they are and when I need to push myself to change the way I react. I needed some groceries so I went shopping before going home. This meant it didn't feel like I was running away. In the spirit of self kindness I bought some treats.

2. I watched some comedy on catch-up until I felt myself relax.

3. I breathed mindfully until I was able to identify the emotions I was feeling. Having named them, I accepted that, given the week I've had these emotions were understandable.

4. I listened to my 'belters' playlist which has some summery, upbeat songs on it. I spent time in the sun, colouring mindfully. Eventually I enjoyed and fully participated in the music and ended up dancing in my back yard. I enjoyed the warmth of the sun.

The process of bringing myself back from numbness used to take weeks or even days. Looking back on yesterday I realise it is progress that I was able to use skills to look after myself and bring myself back to equilibrium in an afternoon. It is now four years on since I started using DBT skills and it has and is taking time. Good to remind myself that I had over 40 years without using them. Rather than feeling unable to reach people across the gulf caused by my emotional dysregulation I am becoming my own bridge builder.

How Safe is Your Church for Me?

A couple of weeks ago I gave a talk at Lancashire Roofbreakers. The group was set up just over a year ago and was originally called the Lancashire Churches Disability Network, which was quite a mouthful! For those who may be wondering where the new name comes from, it refers to the story of a group of friends who carried their paralysed friend on a bed to see Jesus. Of course he was visiting a family home and crowds made it impossible for the friends to get to Jesus. So, they climbed on the roof (look at Middle Eastern homes - it's entirely practical!) broke through and lowered their friend right in front of Jesus - hence the term Roofbreakers. The aim is to explore and find solutions to the problem of inclusion for those with disability in accessing and being included as full members of church communities.

As many readers of my blog know, Mental Illness is the invisible disability and it is often neglected when discussing accessibility in churches. The following is a blog I have written as part of the report on the morning of talks, which can be read in full @includedbygrace on Twitter, or google Lynn McCann, a brilliant champion for those with Learning Disabilities with a particular focus on those on the Autistic Spectrum. Lynn has been a real encouragement to me as we have met when her timetable allows to discuss the common ground between LD issues and Mental Health issues.

The following is a summary of my talk:

How Safe is my Church?

It is interesting to consider how quickly our minds move towards physical and accommodation issues when considering this question. Or am I a minority of one? I find it interesting when listening to others whose concern focuses on other disabilities. The need for ‘inclusion’ seems to equate to making sure people can all join together in one big crowd and how we manage to make it physically possible for that happen. This includes the size of our buildings, accessible doorways, seating etc.

As someone who has grown up in churches of all shades and opinions and who lives with a complex mental health condition, the focus on the physical surrounding is irrelevant to me in helping me to feel included within the Church Family.

My biggest problem with Church, is the people. Not the attitude I encounter (although stigma remains a massive issue) but the fact that Church by its nature forces me to spend time with large numbers of people. Let me explain why this would be a problem to me. I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. It is sometimes now referred to as either Emotionally Unstable PD or Emotionally Sensitive PD.

Marsha Linehan, an American Clinical Psychologist who has created an effective therapy for BPD called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and who finally admitted she herself shared the diagnosis, has summed up the experience of living with BPD as follows:

‘Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.’

Let’s just pause for a moment and imagine that the presence of other human beings, of any number can feel excruciating, then let me ask some questions about ‘how safe’ the way we do church, especially on Sundays, feels to me.

How Do We ‘Do’ Church?

 Medieval

If you spend any time visiting the large spectacular buildings of our historic churches and cathedrals, we can observe how the medieval church gathered. It was often the largest building in towns and villages and therefore was used for mass gatherings, there was no seating. As a modern church, we have inherited buildings from earlier generations. From a purely appreciative perspective, it is fantastic to know that there is such a ‘Cloud of Witnesses’ who have gone before us. Have they always worshipped solely in large spacious buildings, in large crowds, or has there been a different way of gathering together?

 Victorian

We have a legacy of physical spaces which force us to look at numbers over quality of relationship. What then, of the timetable of fellowship in each week? The Victorians put pews into the large medieval structures, or mimicked them by building huge structures in the medieval image. That means that it would feel like a waste if our main meeting together didn’t make use of this accommodation. What about two large gatherings every Sunday? Evening services effectively developed when Sunday Schools were at their height and churches needed to feed their Sunday School teachers spiritually. Is the way we plan services on a Sunday effective for today’s needs?

 Big Crowds

When I am invited to join in with my church family I am caught in a conundrum. I know that the Bible exhorts us to ‘not give up meeting together’, but why do our gatherings focus primarily on large groups of people?

We like numbers, in a society where Christianity faces many challenges sometimes our need to gather in large numbers can feel like a form of defence. It’s okay, we may say, if our large Victorian building is full, especially every Sunday. We feel safe in large groups. They’re anonymous.

If the presence of people inspires anxiety and panic in me, is it safe for everyone? What would happen if our focus moved from joining together as the whole church body (particularly in large and growing churches) and looked at how well supported our small groups are? It’s easy to escape the challenges of living in fellowship if you only attend the large, well-attended meetings particularly on Sundays. It also allows us to absolve our responsibility to be an inclusive church to the Welcome or Leadership Teams.

 Family Focused

For many with Mental Health issues, families are not safe places. I need you to teach me and model for me what a loving family can be. Is the emphasis on children, and the importance of family in the way you do Church, hurting people who have internal wounds which need to be healed? I found it interesting at our meeting of Roofbreakers how much time was spent discussing the needs of children in church with Learning Difficulties and the practical solutions offered to help them stay in Church. Many of the solutions were on drawing people into the larger group. The prospect of only being able to access Church if I am prepared to manage my emotional responses enough to ‘cope’ with being in groups of 100+, terrifies me so much, most Sundays I either have to put in all my energy to staying once I’ve managed to get myself up, to the building and through the door, or I opt out.

How Can we Do Church?

 Redefine

Can we redefine church from being the gathering of EVERYONE in our circles on a Sunday to a broader definition? How often do we enjoy being able to share in the Spirit with the struggles of the church worldwide, while we neglect the regular remembrance of those who are housebound, or unable to join with us due to disability of any kind. For me, the ability of friends in ones, twos and small groups to meet together and support me spiritually is vital to me feeling a part of the church.

Do we need to look again at where the church started? 3000 were suddenly added to the church at Pentecost, where did they all end up meeting? They didn’t have large buildings, nor did they have the ‘evangelical timetable’. You know the one: Sunday is Church, Monday is Ladies’ Prayer, Wednesday is Small Groups, Thursday/Friday is Youth.

Where is the idea that Church is ‘where one or two are gathered in my name’, or ‘Whenever they met together’. If Church is only Sundays (I know and have heard many times, ‘Church is not the buildings but the people’) then is the way we define Church out of sync with what we believe about what Church should be?

 Break Down the Numbers

What would happen if our focus was more on organising ourselves as mainly meeting as church in smaller groups. What if our gathering of the ‘whole’ congregation became less regular, on a monthly basis, and the main point of teaching was within smaller groups? What if we sold our buildings off, or changed them to be an essential resource for the community, thereby having a daily presence of the Church in witness to the world?

 Challenge Stigma

The best way to challenge any prejudice is to introduce the bigot to a real living person with whom they have to interact. If you want to know how my experience of life and faith differs from yours, ask me. In smaller groups it is easier to break down barriers. Again if Church only means the big Sunday Services, it becomes very easy to pat me on the head and distance yourself from what I’ve been banging on about at the front. Especially, if you misunderstand what Mental Illness is and how it affects people.

 Relationship

My understanding of the Christian gospel is that relationship is central to it. In the beginning, God established that ‘it was not good for man to be alone’.

Before we are in relationship with God there is a vacuum. Emptiness and isolation are common symptoms of a number of complex and more common mental illnesses. It follows then, that the Church has hope to offer to people with Mental Health issues. God understands that we were made for relationship.

Is the way we do Church at the minute designed to help us develop effective and satisfying relationships with one another? I often have conversations with people about how dissatisfied they are with the lack of depth in their Church friendships. That’s because we fail to apply God’s principles to our Church relationships. We emphasise our relationship with God, rightly and stress the importance of time spent learning more and more about Him through prayer and Bible Study.

The Church is Christ’s Bride, that means that every one of us form a part of one body, we are all united to one another in Christ. Somehow, I think we have decided to accept that this mysterious, spiritual union, somehow negates the necessity to learn more about one another, in fellowship.

How do we do that? By spending time with one another, for me the most effective and safest way to get to know my Church Family is in ones and twos. When I spend more time with you during the week, then there is a shared understanding when we come together for worship and fellowship as part of the wider family. If I can see that I am accepted, that there are reliable relationships and true friendships, then it makes the struggle to get to the bigger meetings worth it. How important, really is relationship and enabling the building of in-depth relationship, in the way we currently do church?

I am not offering any answers. I recognise the inherent challenge in much of what I have said. However, I hope it helps us to engage with the thorny issues around probably the most isolated disability group in our churches. Solutions and hope for relationships are welcome.

The WCA, my Recovery and Me

I've had a substantial period of relative stability. As with any path to long term recovery, I have had ups and downs as well as adjusting the direction of my life to managing my condition on a daily basis. Compared to three years ago, I have been doing really well, until...

Life happens to us all, bereavements, the day to day grind to manage income over outgoings. In addition I have to manage my reactions emotionally. It helps if I can plan my life and build routines to support my physical as well as my emotional health. Those are the skills I have had to learn through intensive DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)and those are the skills which have helped me manage the cycles of despair, self destructive behaviour and recovery. It was going well, until...

One of the most difficult aspects of life to manage when I am emotionally unstable is my finances. It is essential that I don't restart the spiral into debt which marked most of my adult life. I need to be able plan and to know well in advance if I am likely to lose any income so I can make the necessary adjustments. Perhaps, emotionally, I need more notice than most, I don't react well to change of any kind. So, any changes are highly destabilising. Through hard work and with the support of debt charities and the Citizens Advice Bureau, I have managed to get to a level of financial equilibrium even though my income is the least I have ever had in my life. Until...

Everything suddenly was thrown into disarray by the arrival of a white envelope which contained my Work Capability Assessment form. Suddenly, all my anxiety symptoms came rushing back. I had a full blown panic attack. Why such a reaction? I don't think anyone can understand the cumulative impact of all the rhetoric and talk about 'workers and shirkers' unless they have been involved in the realities of the so called 'welfare reforms'. The current political and economic culture casts me in the role of someone who is a drain on society. Despite having worked and 'paid' into the system for over thirty years, I feel guilty for being so ill, for so long.

Filling in the form itself, involves making sure I detail the impact of my condition on me. It means revisiting the worst times of my life, reinforcing the sense of me being a condition rather than a person. It reminds of the limits my condition places on my life, it reinforces the sense of being 'less than' everyone 'normal' and confirms that I am worthless as a person able to contribute to the wider community. This process of form filling was made worse by the fact that I had begun to volunteer on a regular basis and was rebuilding my self confidence, only to be reminded (by myself) of how far from 'normal' I am. I needed to get the form posted and away from me as quickly as I could. I was given a deadline of 18th March to return the form by and posted it on 4th March. If that had been the end of the WCA form, it would have been okay, but it wasn't.

On 11th March I suffered an emotional crisis triggered by another letter, which threatened me with losing my benefits because they had not received my form. It wasn't due until 18th March - the impact of the letter was compounded by the fact that in the past when I was in significant levels of debt I received similar 'threatening' legalese letters from debt collection companies. There was no phone number on the letter where I could query the non arrival of my form (along with significant amounts of reports and medical evidence). I had to phone the Job Centre Plus phone number. I had to wait 20-25 minutes before reaching a human being. The phone system is automated and it is not immediately clear that it is the right place for WCA queries. By the time my call was answered I was sobbing and distraught. Any ability to use my 'Wise Mind' skills had long since been overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety, panic and an increasing sense of injustice. The person at the other end, was unable to help me and pointed out that the system was showing that they had not received my form. As I had returned it on 4th March, this increased my distress. I asked what I was supposed to do? 'Send in a duplicate'. She dictated an address. 'That is different from the one on this letter'. 'Yes, now that you have failed to return the form on time, it needs to go for adjudication and you need to explain why it is late.' My mind spiralled, it wasn't late, I still had nine days to go until the deadline. She then explained that depending on whether my reasons were 'acceptable' I may have my benefits stopped. By the time I came off the phone I was completely out of control emotionally, something which I had not experienced for about a year.

My most level headed friend bore the brunt of my uncontrollable sobbing. Having read the letter several times, she pointed out to me that right at the bottom in smaller print than the 'URGENT THIS DEMANDS YOUR ATTENTION' opening paragraph, was the sentence, 'if you have returned the form already please ignore...' She spent a number of hours calming me down and we decided to leave redoing the form until after the weekend. We agreed that I would phone back the Job Centre Plus number on Monday and do a final check to find out if the form had been 'found'.

So, I phoned on the Monday, with still five days to go to the original deadline of 18th March. This time when checking the 'WCA system' the notes had been updated. My form had been received on 7th March. The lady asked me when the 'reminder' letter had been sent: it was issued on 9th March.

There had been no need for the letter to be sent, and therefore no need to cause me undue distress. The system did not help me remotely in my recovery or give me any incentive me towards returning to work full time. In reality, I do not think that I will ever be able to manage that and maintain my emotional stability. In fact the emotional fall out from the incident has caused me to remain emotionally vulnerable for a six week period. Energy which could have been spent on planning ongoing recovery and increase in activity which will eventually lead me on to a return to some level of paid work, has instead been spent in recovering from the WCA process and in regaining the emotional stability which had been part of my recovery.

On reflection my experience of the WCA process was relatively straightforward and simple, resulting in my current placement in the support group of ESA continuing. Without the pressure of being in the WRAG group of the ESA (and the £30 per week reduction) I can return to my path to recovery without daily anxiety about having to meet arbitrary deadlines, appointments and interviews which would destabilise me entirely.

Yet, I have suffered six weeks of instability unnecessarily. I am well educated, have had over thirty years of work and professional experience, have a strong support network and had been stable for some months prior to the WCA process. I can only imagine the damage caused by this process to those who do not have access to any of these internal or external resources.

I have a number of observations:

1) If you insist on people on sickness and disability benefits meeting immovable deadlines under the threat of losing their income, then your system needs to be equally accountable and efficient in managing the needs of those it purports to 'help'.

2) If you issue threatening letters to people who are emotionally and mentally vulnerable, please have the courage to provide a direct phone line on which to contact you. Do not pass the buck to public servants who are not privy to all the information about your processes and who are faced with having to manage highly distressed individuals, some of whom are at raised risk of suicide or self harm as a result of your system.

3) Because I have a mental health condition, does not mean that I can be dismissed as not being worthy of the usual courtesies and social mores of our community. Even in the criminal justice system a defendant is 'presumed innocent' after the police have laid charges against them. The WCA process feels as if I am considered to be deliberately trying to defraud the system.

4) 0.3% of welfare claimants have been proved to have made fraudulent claims. That means that 99.7% are not - why set up a system which is so punitive for such a tiny proportion of your target constituency?

5) When will we value people for who they are, not for how much money they either 'cost' or 'contribute to' society? Although, I can point to the fact that I have managed to work for most of my life I am loathe to base my value or any right to claim support on this. When I was able to I was happy to join with the rest of the community in providing for the vulnerable and those in need in our nation. After all, I was helped through university by free education, so it was right that I paid my tax and national insurance towards supporting those who didn't earn as much.

6) When we judge those on welfare, we forget that it is possible for anyone to lose their health, job or home due to a sudden change in circumstances. 'There but for the grace of God, go I...'

Life in the 'Wheel of Fire'

I studied English Language and Literature at university. Shakespeare, of course was one of the most significant writers studied, due to his influence in both literature and language spheres - he invented 1700 words that are still in common usage! Of all of his plays I am most drawn to the tragedies of King Lear and Hamlet, along with the tragi-comedy, Twelfth Night. I kind of love misery...

Central to all of these plays is the idea of fate and fatal flaws in the main characters, which causes their ultimate downfalls. This sense of being trapped in endless suffering is sometimes called 'the wheel of fire'. The idea of characters trapped in the 'wheel of fire' comes from Greek tragedy. It is the story of Ixion who is tied to the wheel of fire for the crime of lusting after Zeus's wife. As with all Greek punishments the wheel turns unendingly.

I have had a number of conversations with fellow sufferers of mental illness around the idea of suffering and the feelings of despair felt by the sense that we seem to be tied to our own 'wheels of fire'. It is tempting to see myself trapped in my own 'wheel of fire' made up of my mental health condition and the cycles of uncontrollable emotional storms which have plagued my life.

The idea of a Fatal Flaw is the closest I can come to describe the feeling of being trapped by who I am and how I feel about my life experiences. Perhaps my understanding of this idea has meant that I have not struggled with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder as a description of the cycles I have gone through in life. However, there is a flaw in this symbol. It is two-fold: firstly, the character's flaw is usually something like pride, or blind trust. In contrast, for me, the problems I encounter in being emotionally sensitive are not embedded in who I am, but in how I am 'wired' - I'm sure a neuroscientist could explain it better than me - the part of my brain which controls the emotions is more 'trigger happy' than average. So the 'flaw'is not in my personality, but in my physiology - if it were 'faulty' cancer cells, it would be easier for other people, as well as myself to understand - somehow.

Secondly, within all Tragedies there is a fatalism which means the characters are unable, or unwilling to try and break the endless turning of the 'wheel of fire', so their ultimate destruction is inevitable. Even though there have been times when the pain of living with trauma and the inability to manage the emotional fallout from it, has meant that hope has been absent in my life. I have come to the other side. I am not living at the whim of an author for dramatic effect. I am living in the real world with the complexities of real life. That means, contrary to what my feelings and flawed thinking have told me, it is not a life of black and white, either, or. There are degrees of suffering and shades of light of varying degrees.

Pain is necessary, it is a reaction to that which harms us, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. Suffering on the other hand is optional and not unending. This would have made me laugh a few years ago. For me, every day was suffering. I carried with me the pain of not just that day's sadnesses, but also the pain of my childhood and other historic wounds. They were not healing scars but open wounds, which were so sensitive to additional pain, that it was as if I would reopen the wounds with each new, perceived or real, hurt, however minor. For so many who I allowed to get close enough, it was puzzling that my emotional reactions to every day trials and tribulations were so out of proportion that my relationships with those people broke. They could not see that felt I was tethered to the constantly turning wheel of fire. This was my belief at the time - my lot in life is to suffer, simply because I must have done something 'wrong', or because I was intrinsically flawed in some way.

However, having recognised that, as the Bible says, 'sufficient unto the day is the grace thereof' (King James Version), we only need the ability to live that day's pain, I have started to live without that grinding, eroding sense of despair which comes from life in the wheel of fire. I have already survived my childhood, my twenties, my thirties, the past five years, the past month, week, day. Whatever pain contained in my life at that time, was experienced, in the moment, and now passed into history. To keep the pain alive is not to allow it to heal and will prolong my sense of suffering. In the light of this grinding despair, the impulses to self harm and self destruction are more readily understood. What helps me is the ability to recognise that I am not tied to the wheel of fire, I can step off it. I can choose to see my episodes of pain as just that - not the endless stream of misery that I have felt my life to be in the past.

The emotional and mental exhaustion with which I presented to mental health services, is a consequence of my mistaken belief that I had to carry the burden of all of my life's suffering in the present. Finding a way to give myself rest and respite of the unremitting pain I have felt all my life, has allowed me to view pain in the context of what gives my life meaning. For me it is my faith that helps me make sense of the world and my experience of it. For others, there may be different things which bring meaning to life's experiences. Until I allow myself to end the punishment of prolonging my own suffering, I will always be trapped in the wheel of fire. In order to do that, I must see myself with some compassion, to allow my wounds to heal into scars. Reminders of past experiences, without the constant reopening of old wounds which prolongs my suffering.

Sometimes I feel Sad - and that's OK

Most of my life was spent avoiding painful emotions, any dip in mood was met with a frantic increase in activity, avoidance and, frankly physically and emotionally draining 'coping mechanisms'which, if I'm honest, weren't particularly effective. At the time those coping skills, poor as they were in the long term, actually helped me to 'function'. The problem came as the cumulative effect of using my 'coping skills' became self destructive. I felt I had to keep using them because I was so in fear of the huge torrent of grief that had been dammed up for decades, that I believed my very life depended on me stopping myself from feeling, ANYTHING.

As I have described elsewhere in this blog, the use of those coping skills resulted in me being unable to feel anything. I had reached the point where not only was I lacking in any energy to keep going, but as my GP told me, if we looked under the 'bonnet' I would find that I had long been trying to function without 'any engine at all'.

Over the past five years since that point, I have slowly built up different sets of skills and found out that the huge emotional breakers I have feared for so long didn't kill me. It has not been an easy process, developing skills takes time, effort and determination. One of the first set of skills essential for me to learn and practice were the distress tolerance skills. If I know I am equipped to cope with the feelings I fear so much, then my very existence no longer depends on preventing myself from feeling.

As time has gone on, the importance of Distress Tolerance has reduced in proportion to the number of times I find myself in crisis. The second set of skills which dovetailed into the first was the Emotion Regulation Skills. In practice, the ability to identify and name the feelings I feared so much was one of the most important points in turning the corner from the way I had lived for so long. Rather than sitting frozen in fear of a fog of indefinable feelings, I can name my 'demons' and once named the sting is taken from them.

The sets of DBT skills along with the routine practice of Mindfulness have helped me to stop the constant rise and fall of difficult emotions, to give myself time experience them, without living in constant fear of being overwhelmed by them, so that I am able to effectively manage relationships which for so long were damaged and broken by the uncontrolled impact of my emotions.

The most vital fact I have needed to face up to is that I cannot escape emotions. Simply because they are part and parcel of being human, and I am in fact a human being, contrary to how alienated my emotional responses have made me feel. Emotions are an important part of the way I am built. All emotions have a function and actually are beneficial.

I have had to adjust my thinking about emotions from seeing them as some internal monster, ready at any point to wreak havoc on my life. As someone who, due to biological and social, environmental factors, is more emotionally sensitive than average, emotions have always loomed large. Due to the experience of trauma in childhood, there has been a significant amount of grief to manage. In the past that grief has been unresolved because most of my energy was focused on avoiding feeling it. If I cannot identify the grief, and name it, it can connect in an endless stream with any difficulties, or sadness I am feeling in the present. My baseline emotion is at a higher level than average, that means that I have always struggled with a high degree of underlying grief and sadness. So, it is understandable that even the most seemingly insignificant trigger to grief in the present may well lead to overwhelming waves of grief.

It has taken me three years of working on DBT skills to understand this about myself. If I struggle to understand why my responses are so extreme, how hard then, must it be for those around me? I think sometimes, this is what makes me feel like an alien, even when in the most supportive of company. I am only just beginning to be able to articulate this process for myself.

As I have moved along the path of recovery, I am learning to recognise sadness as an emotion in its own right. Rather than try to avoid feeling it, for fear of it connecting with the overwhelming grief of the past, I am learning to accept it for what it is in the here and now. The past and its experiences are done with. Sometimes I may still feel an echo of the grief of the past, but I no longer need to fear it as massive, rolling breaker, rising threatening above my head. The waves of sadness are more manageable as a result. Not only do I now possess the skills to manage my emotions, but I have learned to accept even sadness as an important part of being a human being. It's okay to feel sad, because sometimes there are things in the here and now to be sad about, and that's okay.

Stepping Over Our Wounds (via Henri Nouwen)

There is a struggle for those of us who bear the scars of old wounds. Each time a new hurt happens, it can rip open wounds, which remain fresh, because, instead of allowing the pain to fade and heal, in time, I know I have spent too long living with and feeding the underlying hurt by living and reliving the most painful of memories. It's as if I have a belief that I could 'undo' the past by remaining inside the trauma, condemning myself to be held captive in an never-ending 'time loop'.

I have a choice, to remain forever frozen in those moments of pain and so prolong the suffering, or accept that they have happened and will leave me with scars, reminders of what I have survived, but no longer capable of stopping me from moving forward. I found this meditation from Henri Nouwen helpful in explaining that choice and the moment when I can 'step over...' and move beyond the most difficult of experiences. I may be a product of my past but I do not have to be its prisoner:

'Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.'

A note of caution if you find this thought of 'stepping over wounds' challenging - acceptance and moving on from the wounds of the distant past is not condoning all of the wrongs done to us, nor does it prevent us, if it is the right time and circumstances for us from seeking justice. What acceptance does is to help us recognise that no person, circumstance, substance or material possession will be able to undo the injustices and pain of the past. Nor does acceptance entirely remove the shadows cast by such traumas. What it allows us to do is accept that we have had the strength and courage to survive the worst. Having recognised that, we then have a choice: to remain trapped in the past, or to build on the strength and courage we have to live whatever life we choose, for ourselves. The prison door is open, but I still need to walk out of it, myself.

There are Still 'Bad' Days

The thing is, outside of my emotion fogged vision of 'how life should be', it's actually not easy for anyone. That little realisation has taken me so long to get to, it's not funny. We're all guilty of it; that conviction that 'everyone else' somehow is living a gilded, perfect life. The belief that 'if only...', my life would be problem free and perfect. As I have learned to deal with the nuclear emotional fallout from the combination of my biological predisposition and impact of social environments, I have learned to be less focused on my own storms and able to see more clearly the world and people around me. The grass is always greener...? Only if I am entirely focused on my internal struggles.

The impact of mindfulness is often described as suddenly feeling 'awake' to life in the here and now. For me, practising mindfulness and DBT skills is not about distancing myself from my experience of 'real' life. Rather, it is to replace coping mechanisms which cushioned me and separated me from both the environments and relationships I was living through. In a sense those skills which helped me survive trauma and the symptoms of mental illness, actually built a wall of 'bubble wrap' around me which became so deep that my emotional experience eventually became total 'numbness'. Recovery has meant that I am able to feel and experience life as it is. I do feel more aware and more awake to life more clearly. It is not distorted by either emotional responses which cause me to be terrified of my life experience, or those emotional responses which are so maniacally 'happy' that they deny the impact of real day to day difficulties which are part of life.

As I have moved from clinging on by my fingertips in the most terrible emotional storms, to a mix of calm and 'choppy' emotional experiences (ie 'normal' life), I have the energy to recognise more clearly life as it is in the here and now and, more importantly the emotional energy to cope with everyday ups and downs.

The picture I have in mind is the difference between the scenes from 'The Perfect Storm' where a small vessel is tossed about mercilessly and hopelessly on huge waves, beyond which it is impossible to see, to the kind of 'swell' which is more common, where waves can be felt and seen, but where the ultimate destination can be seen beyond. That is the difference between, 'before' and 'after' skills and learning how to use them to manage my emotions.

So, here I am at a time of year that is not the most uplifting, recognising that I am having a few 'bad' days. The difference for me now is that I can see beyond these days, that I am certain, 'this too will pass'. The other thing is that any fears I have that 'bad' days mean I am relapsing back to the previous 'Perfect Storm' days are unfounded. I have moved from merely surviving and existing, to a life which is meaningful and worthwhile. As long as I continue to build on the skills I have learned and use the helpful techniques that help me manage aspects of life that other people may take for granted, then my internal as well as external life will more closely reflect the life experience of most people.

The Sound of Silence....is it golden for you?

'Click, Click, Click' these used to be the first sounds to enter my consciousness as first the radio, then the TV and finally the phone were switched on. There was no point in my day when I was able to hear 'background sounds', or even the sound of silence. From the radio in my car to my ipod constantly plugged into my ears when working 'quietly' to everyone else's music or endless chatter, I never considered that my quiet times were anything but.

Three years on from beginning to practise DBT skills, and mindfulness in my daily life, I have found that there are many times when I am enveloped in the 'sound of silence'. Everyday, after the initial alarm, I potter around my house doing my daily chores and even eat, drink and read in 'silence'.

If I'm honest, I have only recently become comfortable with silence. In the past there was an urgency in blocking it out. So much energy was invested in damming up the feared internal distress that both physical and mental 'busyness' became an ingrained habit. In the same way that I invested every last drop of physical energy in my paid work, I invested all of my time alone in noise to drown out my internal distress.

There is a reason that some of the torture techniques recently reported from Guantanamo involve noise. Either incessant blaring music or 'white noise', but then again the difference between music and noise is in the ear of the beholder! Walking in nature without my ipod is relaxing simply because I am no longer forcing into my mind noise for fear that I will be overwhelmed by the internal noise within.

What has changed is the realisation that I no longer fear the feelings that used to overwhelm and defeat me. I have learned to move on from my past and my present is no longer burdened with long remembered hurts. Some emotional pain is justified but it becomes suffering when I allow it to mar my experience of more positive experiences in the here and now. Scars exist and are a natural part of having survived trauma, but they fail to heal if I keep tearing the scabs from them. If I can learn to accept the feelings without trying to drown them out with constant noise, then the rawness of the scars will lessen and heal without the underlying distress keeping the emotional pain fresh.

Silence has an important role to play in healing. In silence I find space to feel, think, reflect - important that it does not become brooding. This is where the disciplines of mindfulness give me the skills I need to make the most of silence. Focus on the immediate, the here and now, ground myself in the present and when feelings which are unconnected with my current moment arise, let them go. The fear of being unable to cope with silence goes, the more I practise non-judgemental, one thing at a time.

Something else which making room for silence does, is that it allows me to enjoy even more the times when I listen to music or watch something. When I am able to enjoy the silence, then I am able to experience and therefore enjoy the non silence even more. Silence and space allow me to enjoy the times and experiences which fill the silence. I can appreciate the night sky most when I am in an environment which is far from artificial light - when I am far from light pollution.

The problem with my previous fear of silence is that in an effort to run from it I cluttered my mind and emotions with noise and mental pollution. If I can give myself space and time to experience silence, then it allows me a purer experience of life when it comes into that silence. The other thing about 'silence' is that outside of a vacuum, which none of us live in, it is never absolute. There is always something we can listen to, if only we could switch off the artificial sounds with which we swamp ourselves!